Recently, I undertook an international relocation and I am experiencing intense feelings of isolation. My motivations for moving abroad were to enjoy a more agreeable climate, closer proximity to nature, and a more tranquil and healthful lifestyle. However, I have encountered significant difficulty in establishing friendships. This is not my first experience residing in a foreign nation; I lived in various countries in my twenties, a period I recall as exceptionally joyful.
Now, at the age of 34, this experience feels distinctly different. I am living in solitude and engaged in remote work. This was a long-held aspiration, yet its reality is considerably more challenging than anticipated. I experience homesickness and miss my family, friends, and partner, although we maintain regular contact and frequently travel to visit one another. I understand that cultivating a new life takes time. I long for the familiarity and support network I had in my home country. Was this relocation the correct decision?
Eleanor says:
It is indeed poignant when a long-desired goal, once achieved, results in disappointment. This can evoke a more profound sense of disillusionment than simply not attaining the desired outcome – akin to preparing meticulously for a celebration only to find oneself alone in the silence.
Undoubtedly, you recognised that this transition would present challenges. Yet, this awareness does not diminish the present difficulty. I recall a morning shortly after my own move, reflecting, “What have I done?”
Navigating Loneliness After Relocating Overseas
Avoid comparing your current experience to your twenties; both you and the social environment you are attempting to integrate into have evolved. Maintaining existing friendships in your 30s is already demanding – many are focused on marriage, parenthood, or career advancement. This holds true even for individuals who remain in their hometown. In your circumstance, you are facing a significant challenge of adult loneliness – lacking an established social circle, a physical workplace, and a co-resident partner (which would facilitate befriending other couples), and simultaneously tasked with “making friends!”
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This is a substantial undertaking and will require considerable time. Moreover, it might not replicate the ease of relationships in your home country; for some, connections formed during formative years possess a different, more effortless quality. Experiences vary considerably among individuals. Just as there are those who thrive in urban environments and those who prefer rural settings, there are individuals who flourish through international mobility and others who seek comfort in familiarity.
Re-evaluating Your Decision to Move Abroad
The phrasing of your question prompts reflection: “Was this the right choice?” I often question the true meaning of such inquiries. What criteria define a “right choice”? Is it the absence of regret? Is it the guarantee of greater happiness compared to an alternative path? These are unknowable with certainty. I believe the most pertinent question you can answer definitively is: How does this decision make you feel? Are you content with your choice?
If not, you possess the agency to reverse it.
Often, reversing a significant life decision feels untenable. Culturally, we are conditioned to avoid “quitting.” Alternatively, we might feel shame in “abandoning” an optimistic vision of what life could be. However, do not allow adherence to a narrative to obscure present realities. If the situation is unpleasant, acknowledge it. Many individuals have moved overseas and subsequently changed their minds – this is not a failure. You have, in fact, gained valuable insight, even if not the conventional “learning experience” attributed to travel. You have gained deeper self-knowledge and a clearer understanding of the value of your established networks.
Considering a Change of Course
If part of your motivation for moving was to undertake a significant adventure that fosters self-discovery and resilience, reconsidering your decision can also achieve this. Acknowledging “this is not what I want” can provide a profound sense of clarity, autonomy, and self-reliance.
Reflect on the possibility of reversing this decision. If considering this option evokes a sense of relief, that may be your answer. Conversely, if it provokes resistance and the thought “I am not ready to give up yet,” that too is a valid response.
There is a distinction between challenging oneself in enriching ways and simply enduring unnecessary suffering. Persist only if you believe the situation will improve – not out of a sense of obligation.