Crapshoot: The worst-named game ever made

From 2010 to 2014 Richard Cobbett wrote Crapshoot, a column about rolling the dice to bring random obscure games back into the light. This week, we’re holding out for a hero. Sorry, wait. We’re holding our hands over our mouths to avoid hurting his feelings by sniggering too loudly.

In a not-too-distant future, a world oppressed by the shadow of Terrorism cried out for its saviour. And the counter-terrorism task-force known only as HELL listened. Its best scientists gathered and forged a plan. They made a prototype warrior; the first of many capable of doing what no mere flesh and blood man ever could. They made him strong. They made him heroic. They made him a living god.

They made one mistake. They named him Bert Higgins.

Bert Higgins: The Man From HELL

We may never know what convinced the forces of HELL to create a cyborg capable of disabling whole armies of hardened terrorists simply by announcing his name. Who needs a machine-gun when just those three syllables—which you just know would be grunted in an Arnie voice—could lead to criminals and hostages alike collapsing into the same pool of hysterical laughter and probably a little bit of pee. There’s no going back from that. Who cares if the day is saved if even the mayor can’t keep a straight face while handing the hero his medals afterwards?