With James Bond strapped to a table, his body about to be split in two by a laser, the spy yells at his captor Goldfinger: “You expect me to talk?”
The hefty villain famously replies, “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!”
Goldfinger is alive and well in 2022, only now he goes by the name of Amazon.
After the streaming giant completed its $8.5 billion acquisition of MGM, which co-owns the 007 movie franchise, two weeks ago, it instantly began splitting Bond into many pieces with its evil money-grubbing laser, effectively kicking off the death of a 60-year-old brand beloved by generations.
You can smell the British flesh start to sizzle. Last week, Variety reported that Amazon Prime Video and producers Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson — the other co-owners — will create a reality show called “007’s Road To A Million.” It’s a planned competition in which contestants trek around the world to the exotic locales featured in Bond films to win a $1.3 million prize.
I call it “The Appalling Race.”
That’s because it’s the first stop on the inevitable destruction tour of one of the strongest cinematic properties in movie history. The one that gave us “Shaken not stirred,” and made millions of boys dream of Aston Martins — and Ursula Andress. The big-budget, luxurious behemoth that made Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig into household names will now be reduced to commonplace reality TV.
Will the next Bond girl be played by Countess Luann de Lesseps?
We’ve seen how this plays out before. Just look at “Star Wars.” It was once a modest six movies, a Christmas special, an arcade game and a theme park ride. Then Disney bought Lucasfilm and plundered that galaxy far, far away with the gluttonous appetite of Jabba the Hut.
Diz cranked out a new film series that fans (sorta) enjoyed. And then two more tangential “A Star Wars Story” movies (“Rogue One,” good, and “Solo,” horrendous). And then came the Disney+ show “The Mandalorian.” Now they’re turning up the assembly line speed to Ludicrous Speed — 10 more “Star Wars” TV series are on the way, starting with “Obi-Wan Kenobi.”
The excited anticipation for a new “Star Wars” movie — fans used to have to wait as long as 15 years to see one — is gone forever. The same thing will happen with James Bond.
Don’t be fooled by Amazon’s partnership with Aaron Sorkin on the Oscar-nominated “Being the Ricardos” or their producing the lovely comedy series “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” — they are poachers killing a grand old elephant for its ivory tusks.
Amazon execs will pay lip service to 007’s legacy and then wring out every marketable idea they can from it. We’ll surely be force-fed “The Chronicles of Young Moneypenny” and a workplace comedy about MI6 called “The Top-Secret Office.” Prepare yourself for a sympathetic reexamination of 007’s nemesis — “Blofeld” (Teenage Ernst discovers his fluffy white cat in an alley and they become unlikely best friends).
Sounds ridiculous, right? Well, that dystopian nightmare is sneaking behind us like Oddjob with his killer hat.
The end of the 25th James Bond movie “No Time To Die,” starring Daniel Craig, boldly signaled a new era. However, when it comes to Bond, 007 need not be shaken or stirred.