Our retired neighbor has been sneaking onto our yard to weed and do other yardwork without our permission. At first, we were confused by magically improved areas of our yard; we mow and use a weed whacker, but that’s about it. The mystery was solved when I came home early from work one day and discovered our neighbor hard at work on our lawn. She saw my confusion and said: “I can’t stand clutter anywhere.” We left it at that. I want to confront her now before she starts up again this spring. My husband says let it go. I think her behavior is invasive and comes with an implied rebuke: You don’t care for your lawn properly. Thoughts?
NEIGHBOR
You are absolutely right that your neighbor has been trespassing and violating your property rights. I sympathize with your feelings of invasion. But what really intrigues me here is the weirdness. Your neighbor has been working hard, in secret, to make your yard nicer. I also interpret her comment about clutter differently than you — more as the confession of a neat freak than as a criticism of you.
Don’t misunderstand me. You have every right to stop her. (I would!) But if you go in too hot, as I fear you may, you will destroy your relationship with her. And under these odd circumstances, that seems like a shame. Yes, she made errors in judgment, possibly caused by too much time on her hands or a controlling nature. But let her bounce back from this.
Be measured. Say: “We understand you like your yard kept a certain way. But you have to respect our rights when it comes to our yard. Please stop gardening on our property.” Now, here’s the kicker: Tell her you’re talking to her about this because you value your relationship. Your gentleness could go a long way. After all, she’s still going to be living next door after your talk.
vCard.red is a free platform for creating a mobile-friendly digital business cards. You can easily create a vCard and generate a QR code for it, allowing others to scan and save your contact details instantly.
The platform allows you to display contact information, social media links, services, and products all in one shareable link. Optional features include appointment scheduling, WhatsApp-based storefronts, media galleries, and custom design options.
Fair Share?
My father passed away last year after a terminal illness. My brother and I were named co-executors under his will. With everything now nearing completion, my brother decided that he is entitled to more than his half of our inheritance. He sees it as compensation for work he did for the estate. He keeps harassing me about this and said he will disown me if I don’t pay up. I just want to grieve my father on the anniversary of his death and move on with my life. Should I pay my brother?
BROTHER
I am sorry for your loss — and for this added stress. Sadly, though, in my experience, when people couple monetary demands with threats of abandonment, they are often halfway out the door already. Paying your brother is no guarantee that you will keep him in your life.
Now, you haven’t mentioned whether your brother performed some service for the estate that deserves compensation. (He may have.) But even so, most states and many wills provide for payment of executors. If your brother believes he is entitled to compensation (and you agree), he should make his appeal in court — not harass you to change the terms of your father’s will or pay him directly.
Only for a Night
Our house has an adjoining one-bedroom apartment. We use it only for relatives; we are not interested in renting it. A friend asked if her parents could use the apartment for one night under very sympathetic circumstances. We agreed. A few weeks later, she asked if her parents could use it for a week, even though she has a guest room and there are countless Airbnbs in the area. I refused politely. Now I feel used. Am I wrong?
FRIEND
Conflicts inevitably crop up over the course of friendships. It sounds as if your friend overreached in her second request, and you handled it. I would rather you speak to her directly about your lingering feelings than ask me to spank her publicly. (Do you honestly wonder if you’re wrong here?) You may also find that discussing issues with friends promotes greater understanding and deeper connections. Try it!
Just Checking …
My husband is an artist. Two weeks ago, he gave one of his paintings to relatives of our daughter’s boyfriend whom we’ve come to like. We haven’t heard whether they received the gift or if they like it. With such a personal present, is it OK to follow up with them?
PERPLEXED
Listen, I understand (as a writer) that when we send our personal work — our paintings or novels, for instance — into the cold world, it can make us feel vulnerable. It’s only natural to want reassurance.
It would have been great if the recipients had thanked you promptly for your husband’s painting. But they haven’t. There’s no harm in following up to confirm that it was delivered. Going forward, though, I’d advise that your husband give paintings only to people who have expressed interest in owning them. It’s not the recipient’s job to make us feel good about our creative work.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.