Stephen Colbert: ‘Republicans think that if they don’t talk about January 6, no one else will’

Stephen Colbert

The House approved a 9/11-style commission to investigate the 6 January attack on the Capitol on Wednesday, though 175 Republican members opposed the bipartisan body. “Even though they were in the building when it was attacked by the bloodthirsty mob, they opposed it,” Stephen Colbert explained on Thursday’s Late Show.

“Why? Apparently, Republicans fear a January 6 probe could undercut their midterm message. That message: restoring honor to Mr Potato Head’s penis.”

“Republicans seem to think that if they don’t talk about January 6, no one else will either,” the host added, noting that GOP leaders who demanded equal representation on the commission and then balked when the request was granted, “don’t want to find out why they were almost murdered, because it could hurt them politically”.

The refusal to even look into the siege by congressional Republicans has met outrage from a surprising source: Capitol police officers. On Wednesday, 50 members sent a letter to Congress calling the “no” votes “unconscionable to even think anyone could suggest we need to move forward and get over it”.

“Strong words – this must be particularly tough for Republicans to hear because they’re not used be stopped and questioned by police,” Colbert joked.

“Really makes you wonder just who were these Republicans talking about when they said ‘back the blue’. The guys from Avatar? Cookie Monster? Mitch McConnell’s hands?”

Seth Meyers

“There are some who think we should stop talking about President Trump,” said Seth Meyers on Thursday night, “but in our defense, Republicans still call him the leader of their party, he’s talking about running again in 2024 and he’s under criminal investigation.

“Meanwhile, most Obama news these days is showbiz-related – I wouldn’t be surprised if he turned up in the Friends reunion,” the Late Night host added before a clip of Fox News host Sean Hannity’s latest conspiracy-laced rant about the former president.

“If you’re wondering why Fox is rehashing rightwing nonsense from 13 years ago, it’s apparently because according to a new book, Obama called Trump a ‘madman’, a ‘racist, sexist pig’, ‘that fucking lunatic’ and a ‘corrupt motherfucker,’” Meyers explained.

The Fox outrage is rich, he added, since “Trump’s been called much worse and deservedly so. I feel like even Trump’s friends would describe him that way. Hallmark makes birthday cards specifically for Trump that basically say the same thing.”

Trevor Noah

On the Daily Show, Trevor Noah discussed the mental health toll of FaceTuning, image manipulation, and so-called “Zoom dysmorphia”, in which people feel dissatisfied with their face as refracted through the self-facing computer camera.

“Zoom shouldn’t make you feel bad about your looks; it should make you feel bad about your dirty-ass living room,” Noah joked. “But you have to remember, people – this is a new phenomenon that we’re dealing with. Humans didn’t evolve to see their own faces all of the time.

“Think about it: for most of human history, if you wanted to know what you looked like, you had to get your friend to smash up some blueberry, and rub it on a cave wall,” he continued.

While we may all use Zoom less in the near future, photo filters aren’t going anywhere. The ability to layer effects on selfies have “helped mankind achieve its dream of puking rainbows”, Noah explained, “but some of the filters just help you look more attractive. Which may sound harmless, but they could be anything but.”

The filters set unrealistic beauty expectations, “and once you have this filtered version of yourself in your head, you become dissatisfied with what you really look like”, Noah said. “So in essence, we’re basically catfishing ourselves.”

So-called “Snapchat dysmorphia” is especially toxic for teenagers, who are increasingly turning to cosmetic procedures to alter their real-life appearance as young as 13. “I don’t blame the teenagers” for the dangerous phenomenon, said Noah. “I blame the parents, and the plastic surgeons. I mean, how can you let them do this to themselves? They can’t even buy cigarettes, and you’re going to let them buy a new face?

Jimmy Kimmel

And in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel recapped House Democrats’ rejection of a GOP-led resolution to allow legislators to go mask-less in the Capitol. “It took a while, but we finally found the one thing Republicans aren’t willing to cover up: their faces,” he joked.

“The only reason they need them on the floor of the House is because less than half of House Republicans are vaccinated,” the host added. “They don’t want to get vaccinated, and they don’t want to wear masks.

“It feels like the end of an episode of the Twilight Zone – we finally find a cure for the disease everyone has, but they’re too dumb to take it.”