3. Practice self care. Really.
It’s become a cliché to say parents need to put on their own oxygen mask first, but it’s one that needs repeating, says Burke Harris, who emphasizes that “self care is not selfish.”
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“Kids take their cues from their parents about how to react to the events that are going on around them. If they cue into their parents’ stress, that can activate the child’s stress response,” she says. “So it’s a little bit ironic that for parents, one of the most important things they can do to ensure their child’s well being is to practice self care for themselves.”
Burke Harris’s playbook to reduce stress includes regular exercise, a healthy diet, mindfulness and a regular sleep routine. She also stresses the importance of maintaining healthy relationships and seeking out mental health care.
“One of the things I say frequently is, if this feels hard, it’s OK because it is hard. This is a pandemic,” she says. “Right now is a really good time for people to reach out to get mental health support, because this is really an extraordinary time.”
4. Find moments of joy
Even in trying times, shared joy with a parent is “sustenance for children,” Klein says.
“It doesn’t have to be all day long. It never was all day long, but you have those moments of connection to your child and at least one moment a day where you shared a good smile or a snuggle,” she says.
Burke Harris is practicing “gratitudes” before dinner, looking with her family for silver linings.
Miller suggests creating a connecting ritual every day that you can all look forward to together. Maybe it’s a game or puzzle or a nightly bike ride.
That way, if throughout the day your child is seeking your attention, you can say, “I am so looking forward to our special time together. It’s coming up!”
5. Reconsider ‘bad’ behavior
If your toddler is having trouble sleeping, or your teenager is storming out in a huff, recognize that for what it is: a reaction to a stressful situation. (Regression is one common reaction to stress in children.)
“I think it’s really important for us to recognize that there’s an anxiety there even when we’re not acutely aware of it,” Miller says. “We can be more explosive, we can get more frustrated as adults, and our children can be more easily frustrated because of that.”
6. Use screens the right way
In some ways, parents have a new appreciation for screens as they help with distance learning or allow contact with distant friends or grandparents. While everyone agrees usual limits can be relaxed, experts say the extra screen time is still concerning.
Around the time teenagers started spending more time on social media and less time together, their mental health started to decline, too, says Dr. Jean Twenge, author of “iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy — and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood.” She fears the effects of the crisis as children become even more dependent on screens.
Young children, on the other hand, might not have the patience for Zoom and end up melting down with too many screens, Klein says.
Miller suggests using technology wisely, to create virtual family reunions or small play dates. And she notes that for learning, research has shown that having an adult accompany a child made all the difference in helping children learn.
7. Create transitions
In this time of working and schooling at home, families lack the normal routines and transitions that move them through their day.
Miller suggests creating a new routine to start the school and work day. Instead of walking to school, maybe it’s a hug ritual, a morning dance or deep breathing to get ready for the day.
8. Have an emergency plan
At this point, you’ve probably perfected your home emergency/pandemic kit. But Miller asks parents to come up with an emergency plan for emotions, too.
Creating an “emotional fire plan” in the same way they you come up with an escape route for a fire helps prepare for the inevitable flare-ups.
“We know every household has emotional fires, and right now more often than usual,” she says. So what will you do when overwhelmed with emotion? Perhaps it’s deep breathing and taking a break, or saying “Mommy needs five minutes.”