FEEL THE SPARKLE
The latest in a long line of fizzy, mood-enhancing, energy drinks – hello Carling, Coca-Cola, Worthington’s and even Milk (if you jazz it up in a SodaStream) to have sponsored the English League Cup over the years, Carabao has done more than any of its predecessors to breathe new life into a competition that most football fans tend not to really care about unless their team gets to the final and gives them a Big Day Out.
With an avant garde approach to draws that has in the past resulted in Charlton being drawn twice in the same round against different opponents, Ray Parlour and John Barnes being asked to do the honours from Aisle 7 of Colindale Morrisons and actual discussions being held with the International Space Station to gauge the feasibility of staging one outside the earth’s atmosphere, the Thai drinks manufacturer has never been found wanting when it comes to generating publicity … even if quite a lot of it is not necessarily the kind anyone in their right mind would actually want.
On Thursday morning, the quarter-final draw for this year’s tournament will take place in the banter-tastic environs of Zoe Ball’s Breakfast Show on BBC Radio 2 at 8.45am, but before that can happen eight games of football must take place to find out who will be included in the green Carabao tombola. Five of them are on Tuesday, although none – not even Crawley v Colchester – have been deemed sufficiently glamorous for live TV coverage in the United Kingdom. However, post-match highlights will be available to everyone on Quest, in something of a departure from its more traditionally testosterone-charged fare regarding tough-as-teak truck drivers, salvage hunters, gold prospectors and trawlermen.
As well as the big game at The People’s Pension Stadium, Burton will entertain Leicester, while Oxford host Sunderland and Everton and Watford will go toe-to-toe in one of the night’s all Premier League fixtures. With Everton boss Marco Silva under pressure and his former side still anchored to the bottom of the league, the team selection policies of both managers will be mildly intriguing. Well, they won’t but The Fiver feels duty-bound to find some way of bigging the fixture up.
In the other all Premier League tie, Manchester City will welcome Southampton to the Etihad, whose players will enter the amphitheatre with all the enthusiasm of a group of Christians going out to face a pride of starving lions. Following the 9-0 monstering they suffered at the hands of Leicester City on Friday, the Saints could do with marching in to something with less potential for further disaster than back-to-back games against one of the best teams on the planet, but Pep Guardiola has been talking up their chances. “I am not going to judge them on that or prepare to play against them based on what happened against Leicester,” he said. “They will try to do their best.” Much like Burton did against City in the same competition last season, only to get thumped by – yes, you’ve guessed it – nine goals to nil.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Simon Burnton from 7.45pm for scorchingly hot Carabao Cup action featuring Man City 5-0 Southampton and Everton 2-1 Watford.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I thought he was the mayor?” – Gareth Bale shows he is not ready for a Christmas general election by admitting he missed the news that Boris Johnson had become prime minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires on … where’s Mesut? You can get your mitts on a copy of this very cartoon from our print shop, or snap up one of David’s favourite cartoons from down the years right here.
FIVER LETTERS
“On Angus Gunn being the only Premier League keeper to ship nine goals (yesterday’s Fiver), Chris Kirkland did the same for Wigan against Spurs in November 2009, so he was only on his tod for 15 years or so” – Joe Riordan.
“Greetings from damp miserable Wellington, New Zealand (not because of the weather but because of certain sporting results – Hammers v Blades). On Guendouzi’s tackle on Zaha, it was legal height as it was below the armpits, and he did wrap his arms, as required by the laws of the game. Where he went wrong is that he was not playing the right game. We see this is often a problem for rugby players from France” – Chris Boys.
“With nothing quite going as planned, a new leader that hasn’t worked out, contempt for supporters, blatant cheating, a meeting with the palace that ended rather badly, an invisible Jeremy Corbyn and the unwavering love of Piers Flippin’ Morgan … are Arsenal the quintessential team of Brexit? – Tony Crawford.
“Southampton players have to pay a day’s wages for a cr@p performance? (yesterday’s Fiver). Can one of the pedants quickly count the number of days since the beginning of the TV & Radio listing era? I think there’s a large bill coming due with The Fiver’s name on it” – Mike Wilner, Los Angeles.
“Please terminate your Stop Football nonsense and show some leadership in stopping VAR. STOP VAR! STOP VAR! STOP VAR!” – Dale Chase.
Send your letters to [email protected]. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Tony Crawford.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
You wait ages to see a goal from the halfway line, then a Japanese team fires in two in 90 seconds. Not sure what the keeper’s doing, though …
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Granit Xhaka is “devastated and sad” about the events at the Emirates on Sunday but Unai Emery has suggested he apologise to the Arsenal fans. “He was wrong and he feels it inside very deeply. But that is normal as a human.
Uefa has escalated its war on racism by ordering Bulgaria to play one game behind closed doors as punishment for the chanting which marred the Euro 2020 qualifier with England this month.
Liverpool say Harvey Elliott has learned his lesson after serving a 14-day ban for mocking Harry Kane on social media. “We can’t forget that he is only 16,” trilled assistant manager Pepijn Lijnders. “I see a very educated boy.”
Supporters’ groups are to meet Premier League suits and demand action on VAR-ce after the chaos was ramped up to new levels of trumpery moonshine at the weekend.
Fran Kirby has been dropped by Pippin Neville for next month’s England fixtures, the sell-out at Wembley against Germany and the visit to the Czech Republic.
With Paul Pogba out until December with ankle-knack, Ole Gunnar Solskjær says Fred, yes Fred, is the man to fill Manchester United’s midfield void. “He’s been brilliant for us,” roared OGS.
“Neymar has the sensibility of a child,” says Dani Alves, Brazilian football’s pampered prince’s so-called best friend in football. “But Ney is not a child, no. He is a man.”
Eden Hazard has admitted he has humungous shoes to fill at Real Madrid. “Taking this shirt after Cristiano isn’t easy, he’s historic,” wailed the Belgian, scorer of one goal so far as compared to Ronaldo’s 451.
And where’s Jack Rodwell? Not at Roma. The Sunderland legend did not do enough in a trial to stay on in the Eternal City.
STILL WANT MORE?
The making of Bobby Firmino, by those who knew him growing up in Brazil.
Granit Xhaka has become a lightning rod for the general absolute state of things at Arsenal, says Nick Ames
James Milner gets his chat on with Donald McRae about his disdain for VAR, talking Spanish in his sleep, and the title race
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!