Cabin crew have to deal with all sorts of passengers during their days and nights working on planes. Sometimes flight attendants used codewords to communicate with their colleagues. This way they can discuss matters without the pricked ears of passengers listening in and understanding.
This is disgustingly relevant when cabin crew relieve their trapped wind as they walk down the aisles.
“Let it out down the aisle over the passengers,” the stewardess recommended in Smith’s book. “It’s called crop dusting.”
Smith also revealed an episode that saw a flier endure a bad bout of bloating during a flight. She describes how a woman came to her complaining of terrible lower stomach pains.
“It was obvious to me this woman was suffering from a severe case of trapped wind – a common ailment associated with flying,” wrote Smith.
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“‘Madam,’ I said. ‘I know it doesn’t sound very ladylike, but I think you have trapped wind. The best thing you can do is kneel on all fours ad try to break wind.’
“I handed her a few Rennies from the first-aid kit and pulled the curtain across. ‘Now,’ I said calmly, ‘I’m going to leave you alone. This is your space – no one’s going to come in. You can do whatever you want in here, and if you would feel more comfortable, you could go to the toilet?’
‘But as soon as I left the galley she came flying out again, arms flailing, screaming at the top of her voice.
“‘By the time I reached her she was thumping the emergency exit door and pulling at the handle. ‘Madam, do not touch the door,’ I warned, pulling her away from the exit and back into the galley.
“‘Hands off, hands off,’ she yelled, lashing out with her elbows. It was like trying to restrain a pit-bull. At that point, my flight series manager Anageld came into the galley and together we managed to calm the woman down. But she was still complaining of pain her in her midriff.
“‘I think it’s trapped wind,” I told Angela. ‘Mmm, I’m not so sure -let’s do a PA call for a doctor.’
“There were two doctors on board- male and female. The male doctor took one look at the woman, mouthed ‘trapped wind,’ rolled his eyes and walked out of the galley.
“The female doctor, however, decided the woman must be suffering from something far worse and proceed to stick a morphine drip into her arm. But in the doctor’s haste, she forgot to close the valve and a fountain of blood came spurting from the woman’s arm, prompting another screaming fit.
“We had to put our biohazard aprons on protective masks and gloves in order to help the woman further as her blood sprayed everywhere.
“Once the doctor had closed the valve and the morphine kicked in the woman began to mellow – in fact, she looked blissfully happy. She returned to her seat but continually rang her call bell for the rest of the flight, asking for drinks and more Rennies, and making sure we’d arranged for an ambulance to get her in Johannesburg.
“There’s no doubt about it, trapped wind can be agonising – at worst it can feel as though your insides are about to explode – but this woman was a drama queen.
“She loved all the attention. There had been no need to give her morphine. The only thing this woman needed to do to alleviate her pain was some good old crop dusting.”