ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE DAYS
Shortbread McFiver woke up at 2.59pm on Thursday afternoon. “Oof och ooyah ma heed!” the Fiver’s increasingly unacceptable stereotypical cousin from north of Brexitland yelped. Po’ Shortbread was recovering from an evening during which he’d sunk seven bottles of Fistfight, the 87.32%ABV whisky-flavoured turps beverage, one bottle of turps (87.33%ABV) found at the back of Granny Fiver’s sideboard, and, to keep it all down, 18 piping-hot bowls of Cullen Skink. “Ah well, at least this is the worst I’ll feel all day,” chuckled Shortbread, making the best of a bad lot. Oh Shortbread!
Shortbread stepped out of bed and on to a piece of scaly smoked haddock skin discarded during the previous evening’s milky soup binge. He slipped hysterically across the bedroom floor, on to the landing, down three flights of stairs and out into the street, where he attempted to catch hold of anything that might halt his momentum. Sadly the first thing he grabbed was the back of a passing Ford Model T, which dragged him several hundred yards along the road before taking a sharp left turn, catapulting him over the edge of a cliff with a lot of jagged rocks and a salt mine at the bottom. Then a piano fell on his head. “Ah well, at least this is the worst I’ll feel all day,” he shrugged philosophically, a weak smile revealing that his teeth had been replaced by a row of black and white keys playing an out-of-tune version of Maple Leaf Rag. Oh Shortbread!
He really should have known better. The events of the second paragraph on this slow news day having taken 11 minutes to occur, Shortbread pulled out his phone to check the score of Scotland’s game against Kazakhstan, as 11 good men and true embarked on the nation’s latest attempt to qualify for a major international tournament. “Help ma boab!” he yarooed, upon discovering that the hapless shower were already two goals down against the team ranked 117th in the world. “Ah well, at least this is the worst I’ll feel all day,” he sighed, hoping to prove the rule of third time lucky. But all he managed to prove is that he’s none too clever, because Scotland ended up losing 3-0, a result that would have put them bottom of Group I were the enclaved microstate of San Marino not a thing. Oh Shortbread, you kind of knew it deep down, didn’t you?
The exact level of national humiliation has been calculated by scholars and academics as Kazakhstan = 1978 x (Costa Rica + Uruguay)², though boss Alex McLeish insisted afterwards that his side “started brightly” and even “had one chance just before they scored”, a masterclass in positive spin given the Kazaks notched their first after six minutes. Scotland’s Euro 2020 hopes, as well as the manager’s future, now rest on Sunday’s game in San Marino; anything less than a healthy win will seriously irk the long-suffering Tartan Army and surely mean Big Eck is for the off. McLeish will gain succour from the likely return of captain Andy Robertson, and the sense that this is surely the worst he’ll feel all qualification campaign. Oh Alex!
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It is a little present from me. I don’t want to brag but when I was at Juventus, we won the league and I left but I also got a little present to the players there” – Paul Pogba on his and Antoine Griezmann’s decision to buy celebratory bling rings for the France squad to mark their Ethics World Cup win.
FIVER LETTERS
“For the first time ever, I have just laughed out loud while reading The Fiver. The cause was Tim Woods’s letter about Swindon Town. The fact that this wasn’t even worthy of prizeless letter of the day goes a long way to explaining why this was the first time, and highly likely the last, as well” – Nick Parish.
“As one of the genetically blessed 87% (Thursday’s Fiver), I chafe at the pro-left bias implicit in changing gear with my left hand, not to mention driving on the left” – Adrian Tuck.
“After Kazakhstan’s 3-0 victory you have to wonder who Franco Varrella, manager of San Marino, is going to rest for their next game. Most of them have work the next day and lads, it’s Scotland” – Ben North.
Send your letters to [email protected]. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Ben North.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Adam Johnson has been released from prison after serving three years for child sex offences.
Peter Beardsley has been charged by the FA with using racist and abusive language towards youth team players while he was Newcastle Under-23 coach.
Gareth Southgate has lauded England’s youthful promise and creative options. “We’ve got loads,” he chirruped when asked about his creative options.
PSG have criticised the Met Police and Chelsea after several French fans were turned away from the Women’s Big Cup match at Kingsmeadow for allegedly being in possession of knives, knuckledusters and class A jazz salt. “The authorities have brought no evidence of wrongdoing,” said a club suit.
Oldham have appointed former caretaker boss Pete Wild as manager until the end of the season following Paul Scholes’s decision to fling himself out of the door marked Do One after just 31 days.
And Declan Rice is sorry for writing “UP THE RA” on social media when he was 16. “While my naive words were not meant to be a political opinion and do not represent who I am, I sincerely apologise for any offence caused,” said England’s former O’Ireland international.
STILL WANT MORE?
Inside Stuttgart: a fallen giant in search of a fresh-faced identity. Sachin Nakrani goes under the bonnet of the struggling Bundesliga club.
The forgotten story of … Sahib Abbas, the striker saved by football in Saddam Hussein’s Iraq.
Nick Ames hears how six pals from north London are on the verge of Concacaf Gold Cup glory with Montserrat.
The Joy of Six: Paul Wilson collates some piping hot Germany v Netherlands action.
On Saturday in Gibraltar, Mick McCarthy begins his second spell as Republic O’ Ireland manager. A nation wants and needs him to do well, writes Paul Doyle.
Simon Burnton on how the Hatters lost a manager but soared back towards the big time.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!