ROMANCE AND SAUCE
Following a weekend of FA Cup ties that produced no upsets whatsoever, it is left to the plucky minnows of Chelsea to go all Mills & Boon on the fifth-round romance stakes by slaying Manchester United at Stamford Bridge. Two places and one point behind United in the English league pyramid, it has been left to this rag-tag collection of butchers, carpenters and postmen – or, at the very least, multi-millionaire footballers who may know their local butcher, carpenter or postman – to fly the flag for the little guy when United’s juggernaut rolls up with a place in the quarter-finals at stake.
Their managers could scarcely be more different but there is a lot at stake for both. In the red corner we have a likable and enthusiastic young Scandinavian pixie looking to stay in one of the biggest jobs in English management despite a recent sobering defeat. In the blue corner is an equally likable but considerably older and more world-weary, Italian chain-smoker looking to stay in one of the biggest jobs in English management despite a recent sobering defeat. And with new FA Cup rules dictating that this tie is guaranteed to play out to a finish, it seems a certainty that Tuesday’s headlines are guaranteed to riff, be-bop and scat all over either Ole Gunnar Solskjær or Maurizio Sarri’s latest setback.
With Jesse Lingard and Anthony Martial both out with knack, Solskjær must decide whether or not to start with Alexis Sánchez, an ivory-tinkler so out of form that in his last appearance he didn’t so much resemble a footballer as a particularly poorly co-ordinated supporter who’d won a Uefa competition where the first prize was the chance to play 41 minutes of Big Cup for the team of their choice against PSG. In the build-up to the game, the Chilean’s manager attempted to boost his player’s morale by likening him to a condiment, specifically one of those bottles of ketchup you tend to get in low-rent greasy spoon cafes.
“You know that bottle of ketchup that you squeeze when it never comes out – but when it suddenly comes there’s loads?” he tooted. “I’m sure he’ll be fine.” While Ole’s analogy works up to a point, the Manchester United interim manager appeared to be working on the assumption there is still plenty of ketchup left in his particular bottle, something that most available recent evidence suggests is not the case. If his boss decides to gamble on shaking him and giving him a vigorous pat before such an important game, Sánchez seriously needs to hit the breakfast plate running.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Jacob Steinberg from 7.30pm GMT for hot MBM coverage of Chelsea 1-2 Manchester United, followed by the FA Cup quarter-final draw.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Having joined the EFL as CEO in October 2013, I am proud of what we have achieved since then” – The Fiver confesses it’s not exactly sure what these things are that outgoing chief suit Shaun Harvey is talking about.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Football Weekly will be in this general area.
FIVER LETTERS
“As a Yank who succumbed to the lures of the Premier League 10 years ago, and who tripped upon The Fiver somewhat more recently, I’ve noticed a trend in letters to kick The Fiver when its humour quotient is down. Sure, you may get a queazy feeling when it arrives in your inbox, blanche at the prospect of more bad puns, and come to loathe its very existence by the time you finish with Bits and Bobs, but what would you do at 4 o’clock-ish each afternoon if you didn’t have The Fiver to kick around anymore. The Fiver is the Richard Nixon of tea-timely football emails. Let’s all hope The Fiver follows his example, and, like Ramires and Oscar, goes to China” – Tim Travelstead.
“What with UK GDP falling in December, slowing to 0.2% in 2018 Q4 and Brexit next month, it’s good to see that macroeconomists over at the Bank of England have nothing better to do than explain: ‘Why football players are paid so much?’ Spoiler alert: there’s lots of TV money and not many Leo Messis. That’s all very well but it doesn’t explain most of the Manchester United squad” – Noble Francis.
“I can’t believe anyone was foolish enough to ask Dormund’s chief suit if the players having a trim before the game was partly responsible for their trouncing by Spurs (Friday’s Quote of the Day). After all there’s no precedent whatsoever for such a theor … ah” – John Myles.
“Mark Dean’s letter about Valentine’s Day football (Friday’s Fiver letters) reminds me of a romantic gesture of my own. On Valentine’s Day 2004, the first since getting married, I told my wife Louise that I’d got diamonds for her. That day’s Chesterfield v Rushden & Diamonds fixture is the last Spireites match she ever went to. But we are still married” – David Ede.
Send your letters to [email protected]. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … David Ede, who wins Welcome to the Blue Heaven: Jimmy Nielsen with Paolo Bandini! Plenty more prizes to come.
BITS AND BOBS
Kilmarnock’s Kris Boyd has criticised Queen’s Celtic supporters after being struck by a coin during Sunday’s late defeat at Rugby Park. “We’re led to believe they’re the Greatest Fans in the World,” he posted on Social Media Disgrace Instachat. “Wrecking seats, flares and invading the park. Oh, and in case anyone didn’t know, I’m just a fat orange (it must just be my favourite colour) b******. The shouts and abuse I can handle as a bit of banter even [if to] others it would be sectarianism. Getting hit with a coin, though, is a step too far.”
Jürgen Klopp has no doubt that Liverpool fans would prefer winning the Premier League to Big Cup as he prepares to face Bayern Munich. “Now we play [Big Cup] and we all expect we will do our best,” he blared. “And thank God we don’t have to make that decision.”
West Ham have written to supporters, telling them of plans to move London Stadium seats into the same timezone as the pitch. “My team and I have been working hard in the background with stadium management, mindful that seating is something supporters wanted us to explore and we have listened,” cheered Karren Brady.
Paraguay have appointed Eduardo Berizzo as their new manager.
And Pro Piacenza were only able to field seven players – six teenagers plus the 39-year-old team masseur – for their Serie C game at Cuneo. They duly lost 20-0.
STILL WANT MORE?
Arjen Robben gets his chat on with Nick Ames.
Ryan Giggs gets his chat on with Donald McRae.
A former colleague of The Fiver is right in the Bundesliga mix. Andy Brassell has more.
Sid Lowe on Celtia’s fear and loathing without Aspas.
Mauro Icardi, Inter and the return of unwelcome headlines. Paolo Bandini reports.
The latest state of things at Monaco.
A cracking piece on nepotism in football. By Daniel Taylor.
Golden Goal: Steve McManaman for Liverpool v Celtic in 1997.
And Beau Dure dons his tin hat for a piece on Soccerball and Pro/Rel.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!