The Fiver | A history of buckling under the slightest hint of pressure

NEYMAR BIG CUP FOR PSG?

Having come from behind to take a commanding 3-1 lead in the first leg of their Big Cup last-16 match against PSG, plucky reigning champions Real Madrid are in the French capital to see if they can close the deal. It’s come to something when the ordinary man in the street is rooting for a club as widely reviled and derided as the 12-times champions, with their arrogant sense of entitlement and obscene levels of spending but when they’re assuming the role of Rebel Alliance against PSG’s Qatari-bankrolled evil empire, your tea-timely email of the people, The Fiver is happy to root for Los Blancos, even if it does mean a long and vigorous scrub-down in the shower followed by an even longer look in the mirror.

Given their long and ignoble history of buckling under the slightest hint of pressure in the business end of Big Cup, with last year’s comedy capitulation against Barcelona being a particular Fiver favourite, we’re not giving Qatar FC much of a chance here, but stranger things have happened. With Neymar knacked and likely to be replaced by Real old boy Ángel Di María, the pointlessly meandering dribbles and fancy tricks and flicks that served the French side so poorly in the first leg may well be replaced by the kind of actual penetration and cohesive passing that leads to the minimum of two goals they need to advance to the quarter-finals.

“I hope for the best possible performance from Madrid with their best players, because I want us to be better than them,” tooted Qatar FC coach Unai Emery, failing to echo the rather less baffling sentiments of the two Qatar FC fans who were arrested for their overzealous attempts to keep Real Madrid’s players from sleeping on Monday night by putting on an impromptu version of the unstoppable smash-hit Stomp on the street outside their hotel.

But while they went out with several loud bangs, Porto are expected to do so with more of a whimper on what promises to be a decidedly routine European night at Anfield. The Portuguese side got tonked 5-0 at home in the first leg and have few expectations beyond salvaging some pride against a Liverpool team they have never, ever beaten. “We won 5-0, but only because we scored with virtually every chance we had,” sighed Jürgen Klopp. “If we hadn’t and if Porto had scored their two chances, the result would have been different.” With these kind of incisive insights into the game’s nuances it’s not difficult to see why the German gets the big bucks. For you, Porto, this season’s Big Cup campaign is over.

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT

Join Scott Murray for hot MBM updates of PSG 2-1 Real Madrid (3-4 agg), while Barry Glendenning will be on hand for Liverpool 4-0 Porto (9-0 agg).

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“It was a crazy, crazy time … we met the king, I took a selfie with him … and then I heard there had been a dolphin named after me! I was in my hotel room, seeing all of this happen. It was amazing! – Divock Origi recalls the good old days of 2014, when he scored at the World Cup and aquatic mammals bore the name of Belgian footballers.

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FIVER LETTERS

“To answer the esteemed Noble Francis’s question as to how Russia Today would treat José Mourinho, perhaps Larry King will join the studio crew on their World Cup coverage” – JJ Zucal.

“While Noble Francis the economist may cease with his mortal body, I have no doubt that his letters will keep appearing in The Fiver for many years after” – Jordan Glossop (and many others).

“Not awarding Noble Francis letter o’the day in the Noble Francis Guest Edition of Fiver Letters is the only thing in The Fiver that has ever made me laugh. By the rule of monkeys with typewriters it had to happen eventually I suppose” – Simon Williams.

Send your letters to [email protected]. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … JJ Zucal.

THE RECAP

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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Fiorentina and Cagliari have retired their No 13 shirts in memory of Davide Astori, the clubs have announced.

Chris Smalling says Manchester United’s last-minute 3-2 win against Crystal Palace was like a Lord Ferg display. “There’s not been many games where we’ve come back – granted, there’s not many games when we’ve gone 2-0 down – but you can see how close we are that everyone celebrated together,” he blathered.

A mere 88% of Arsenal Supporters’ Trust members believe Arsène Wenger should be sacked at the end of the season. Maybe the other 12% were unavailable.

A day after being appointed caretaker boss of ISL club ATK, Robbie Keane picked himself to play up front and scored the only goal in the win against NorthEast United. “It’s been an experience to say the least,” trilled the ATK boyhood fan.

You thought VAR was bad section: several Bulgarian clubs, including CSKA Sofia and Septemvri, have expressed their “disgust” and called for the referees’ chief to quit because of “tendentious refereeing” in league games.

And Pep Guardiola has added his yellow ribbon to a list of things Martin Glenn does not understand.

STILL WANT MORE?

Paul Pogba and Alexis Sánchez may be ‘franchise players’, writes Paul MacInnes, but José Mourinho needs to find a way of making them function effectively in his system.

The season’s on the line for Unai Emery and PSG, reckons Paul Doyle.

The Ethics World Cup: the state of … Nick Ames has the lowdown on how it’s all looking, 100 days out, from ticket sales and stadium builds to who might actually be playing in the thing.

Martin Laurence crunches the numbers and discovers that, yes, Arsenal have been bad this season. Very bad.

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