ONLY PAR-DIEU FORGIVES
There are an uncanny number of links between West Brom bench bandit Alan Pardew and religion. Pardew’s surname itself, of course. At Crystal Palace his chairman was called Parish, defined as “a small administrative district typically having its own church and a priest or pastor”. Just as Jesus is associated with John the Baptist, Pardew is close to John the Carver. The bits at the end of the phrases “played 27”, “won three” and “lost 13” are all numbers. The mass departure of West Brom fans towards the end of yet another defeat can be defined as an “exodus”. The Fiver isn’t sure what a deuteronomy is, but Pardew almost certainly has one of those as well, in the back of a cupboard somewhere, next to his leviticus.
Lately Pardew has been preaching forgiveness, for his club’s so-called “Cab Four”, one of whom, Jonny Evans, will captain the Baggies against Huddersfield on Saturday. Returning the armband was, Pardew said, what God would do. “He’s paid a heavy price for it, trust me,” preached Pardew. “It’s like all things in life, if you make a mistake does that mean you are going to have to pay for it for the rest of your life? I don’t think so. I think God teaches us to forgive.” The Fiver’s checked – or at least, we’ve checked with at least one version of God – and we think he does too. So, in conclusion and to summarise, the right thing to do would be to forgive Evans, so that’s what everybody’s done. Right, Alan? Right? Alan? “On this occasion I wouldn’t say he’s been forgiven.”
This episode has sent The Fiver into its pre-weekendly existential crisis. In the space of two sentences, Pardew has established that he believes in forgiveness, that lots of people believe in forgiveness, that forgiveness is important and right and good, and also that he won’t do it. What does it all mean? Why must you test us so? “He’s paid a price and he’s still paying a price,” Pardew continued of Evans. “So he’ll learn that that was an event he deeply regrets as he lives on. The most important thing from Jonny’s perspective was his performance last Saturday.”
So the alleged taxi-taking isn’t an event Evans deeply regrets, it’s an event he’s going to learn that he regrets, at some point in the future. And further to that, can we talk about how good last week’s game against Southampton was? You know, the one West Brom lost? Is it just us, or does nothing about this make any sense at all? “Trust me the guys, all four of them, have apologised more than enough, they really have,” Pardew concluded. “And in the right way as well.” This prompts three further and final questions: precisely how many apologies are enough apologies? Is there a wrong way to apologise? And do you have anything for a headache?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s great for the fans, they’ve said things about us and our fans have said things about them, the manager’s the same, so it’s great. You want that in derbies. You know, Lee is like his dad. He talks a good game and I don’t listen to much he says. I’m sure it will be a decent atmosphere, we’ll try and do our best for him” – forget José and Antonio: get yourself down to Sunday’s Cardiff v Bristol City derby day as Neil Warnock and Lee Johnson resume hostilities.
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Game recognise game. Photograph: Joe Giddens/PA
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FIVER LETTERS
“Backflips. Does anyone still do backflips as a goal celebration?” – Andrew Want.
“I’m probably focusing on the wrong part of Elliott Conway’s letter yesterday but is W1ND455 a valid vehicle registration plate?” – Paddy Reilly.
“Very much liked Sir Les’s recent interview and warmed to QPR given the club’s support for the survivors of the Grenfell disaster. I also thought his comments on the distance between fans and players was astute: how many Fiver readers have recently shared public transport with players from their respective top-flight clubs? During the late-80s I lived in Stirling and commuted by train to my work in Edinburgh. On the morning train I would frequently sit in the same carriage as Hearts lynchpins Craig Levein, John Colquhoun and (if memory serves) John Robertson. They disembarked at Haymarket while I went on to Waverley. I always promised myself I would say something to these wonderful footballers, among the greatest to grace Heart of Midlothian, but I never did. Neither did anyone else, mind. A different age, indeed” – Kevin McKee.
“Sitting on a busy train from London Waterloo to East Sheen, I couldn’t help but get a sense I knew the guy sitting opposite. Tall, elegantly dressed and diligently pencilling notes in a philosophy book, I realised I was in the presence of Brede Hangeland. We got talking, and I learned that Brede, playing for Crystal Palace at this stage, was on his way home from a game at Stoke, or somewhere like that. He proceeded to tell me he played ‘like $hit’, which was refreshing to hear instead of the usual clichés peddled by footballers. Was a gent” – Robert McGowan Stuart.
Send your letters to [email protected]. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Robert McGowan Stuart.
THE RECAP
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
A minute’s silence will be held before all matches in Spain this weekend for police officer Inocencio Arias García, who died from a heart attack suffered during clashes between fans before Athletic Bilbao v Spartak Moscow on Thursday.
Having almost failed to get past Östersund and into Big Vase’s Round of Arsenal, they’ll now face Milan. “I feel bad for Arsenal, they could have gone far in the competition,” honked Rossoneri suit Massimiliano Mirabelli.
Reckon that’s a dig. Photograph: Catherine Ivill/Getty Images
Queen’s Celtic boss Brendan Rodgers is still smarting after their Big Vase exit to Zenit. “We were much better than them in the first game,” he tooted. “If we played with a little bit more courage and belief, we could maybe have got a result.”
The FA has charged Pep Guardiola for wearing his yellow ribbon in support of imprisoned Catalan politicians, “in breach of kit and advertising regulations”.
Chinese Super League newcomers Dalian Yifang have snaffled José Fonte from West Ham.
And Newcastle’s big transfer deadline-day loan acquisition Islam Slimani is now knacked. “It will at least be a couple of weeks,” sighed Rafa Benítez. “We have to be careful with him because he had a problem when he arrived.” Ah.
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