Ashes 2017-18: Australia v England third Test, day one – live!

31st over: England 115-2 (Stoneman 52, Root 20) Four more for Root, who’s going at a T20 strike rate. This boundary came off the edge, but safely, played so softly by the England skipper. Runs it away through the cordon rather than seeing it fly away uncontrolled. Root 20 off 14 at this stage. Test cricket is easy, hey? Gets an unpleasant short ball from Cummins, right up around the bat handle, but Root is classy enough to get up, get enough bat on it, and drop it away.

30th over: England 111-2 (Stoneman 52, Root 16) Stoneman goes down, and Mitchell Marsh is the culprit! Well, Tim Paine dropped one in his first Test back, and so did Shaun Marsh. Now Mitchell continues the trend. Hazlewood set Stoneman up, pushed him back with three short balls, getting him ducking on the back foot. Then pitched up, drew the hesitant drive, got the edge, and it flew straight to first slip. Marsh went with his finger pointing up, even though the ball was low enough to cause him to crouch for it, and the ball burst through his thumbs, clocked him in the head, and rebounded away to safety. A maiden, but it should have been a wicket maiden.

29th over: England 111-2 (Stoneman 52, Root 16) And another boundary. Cummins starting from the other end, too straight, and Root flicks beautifully through midwicket. Then gets a shorter one just outside off, and Root punches off his back foot for four more! Runs flowing as Nelson comes up.

28th over: England 100-2 (Stoneman 52, Root 6) Here we go. Sandwiches digested, juice boxes squeezed flat and inflated and popped on the bitumen. Hazlenut to (f)Root. First ball after lunch, driven off the outside half away through gully for four. Good start. Swings into Root’s pads thereafter, and the captain squirts it for a run. Stoneman gets a big fat juicy watermelon outside off, too short and some width, but he can’t cut that fruit. So Josh serves up another, and this time Stoneman slices the offering over gully for four.

There’s his pineapple! (If you’re not aware, this is a term for the yellow Australian 50-dollar note.) And the England hundred is up as well.

John Goldstein emails in. “I am really sad that this is the end of the Waca. All the Aussie cricket grounds seem to have developed in their own way and have all become distinct from each other. Even after many years of upgrades and rebuilds and so on. Just building new rather than developing seems odd from my point of view and more in keeping with baseball.

I know there is an argument that new grounds will make their own history but so many of them are designed by committee with advertising, corporate entertaining and multi-use convenience at the forefront and sod all about the sport itself.”

That’s probably a fair description about new stadia. Especially in this country, they have to be multi-use to be viable. I’m going to check out the new Perth Stadium tonight, so I’ll report back on the Day 4 OBO.

Meanwhile, on the linguistics front, I can proudly report that Ravi and I are deep in the weeds.

James Sutherland is on the telly repeating the ICC statement that there’s no credible evidence that any fixing is involved in the Ashes. He says that if anything credible comes up, of course they’ll go hard at it, but at the moment nothing has. He also points out that Australian and England players are sufficiently well paid to remove the power of any financial lure, and that players have been jailed in the last few years so there are strong disincentives too.

Here’s the smart solution form OBO reader Neil Broderick. “Rather than ban sport betting why not legalise it and let the players get paid for fixing the match. After all who in their right mind would bet on a fixed match? So in a short period of time there would be no problem since there would be no bets.”

Genius.

Well, sighs of relief for England after winning the toss today. Batting first on this pitch should be worth a lot. But a first session that’s about even, after the loss of a couple of wickets. England would probably have taken this, and Australia would probably still feel like they’re a wicket behind the game.

Stoneman has been excellent this morning, working hard through the tougher periods, but always playing positively when the ball was in his spot. He provided the early momentum after Cook was done for by Starc. Vince gave Stoneman good support, and once again threw away a good start with an unneeded shot. So Root will start the second session fresh to the wicket, and will need to come through for his team this afternoon.

27th over: England 91-2 (Stoneman 48, Root 1) Last over before lunch, and it’s Lyon to bowl it. A short ball to Stoneman brings Root onto strike. He gets off the mark immediately, flicking a ball through midwicket for one. Stoneman smothers the last couple, and that is the session.

26th over: England 89-2 (Stoneman 47, Root 0) What a beauty! Hazlewood is fast and furious. Bouncer to Root first up, then a ball that seams viciously off the pitch. It started well wide of off, and cut back back the best part of a foot. Root left, and was right to do so, but could have lost his off peg anyway. Wicket maiden.

The fast bowler wins the battle in the end. Vince has been leaving and defending with intent, but this time he saw the fullish length and played a shot he didn’t need to play. Hazlewood gets more bounce and movement than anyone else from a full length, and he draws the nick behind. A string of maidens eventually brings a result. Vince is furious with himself.

25th over: England 89-1 (Stoneman 47, Vince 25) Missed catch! Not a drop as such, more a chance that didn’t eventuate. With lunch approaching, Stoneman changes gears to defensive, blocking out a Lyon over. The last ball squeezes out to the leg side, and hits Cameron Bancroft on the boot at short leg. Loops up but nowhere near anyone.

Referencing one of my opening statements, Mark Turner has provided a Vogon Waca Poem.
Behold the Waca sky
Marvel at its ball red depth.
Tell me, Root do you
Wonder why the barmies ignore you?
Why its foobly stare
makes you feel bowled.
I can tell you, it is
Worried by your rutched facial growth
That looks like wickets
And more, it sees
Your squiffle potting shed
Smells of boxes.
Everything under the big cricket sky
Asks why, why I wrote such verse
You only charm googly.

24th over: England 89-1 (Stoneman 47, Vince 25) Vince is winning the patience battle. Five balls from Hazlewood, defends two, leaves three. Stoneman began the over with another leg bye. These two have battled through the new ball threat now, and they have 50-odd overs to cash in. Can they do what they didn’t do in Brisbane, and go on with this chance.

One from Robert Wilson earlier. Cook may no longer be with us, but I’ve no doubt Robert is.

“There were strongminded assertions about early to bed and early to side but it’s the bleeding WACA innit. Perth Tests always make me feel like I’m 12 years old (with added smoking and drinking). I’m sad that it’s the last one but, as Donna once said in The West Wing, I’m monumentally pumped. I’m looking for Warner to get a million and Cook to bat for a year (plus, you know, lots of too-fast-for-the-naked-eye wickets). Besides, there’s a meteor shower later and I might step out for that. I don’t suppose you could tell me what direction is southwest from here? I know Spain is down there somewhere.”

23rd over: England 88-1 (Stoneman 47, Vince 25) Smashed four four! That wasn’t a papaya, but Stoneman tucked in anyway. Decent delivery from Lyon gets a big slog-sweep, and while it’s not entirely controlled, it bounces out through a vacant square leg region for four apples. Then a cover punch for one. Stoneman on the verge of his pineapple.

22nd over: England 83-1 (Stoneman 42, Vince 25) Like a forest, James Vince is all about the leaves. Happy to make Hazlehuffandpuff for no reward. Gets on strike with a leg bye, then calmly sees out the rest of the over.

21st over: England 82-1 (Stoneman 42, Vince 25) Talk about intent! Lyon bowls a touch full, and Vince is onto it in no time. Advances, creams it through cover for four. That will give him some confidence. He’s holding back when required, but showing he has what it takes when the opportunity comes. Really good knock thus far.

20th over: England 77-1 (Stoneman 41, Vince 21) A maiden for Hazlewood, as Vince forswears temptation and leaves bat unused.

19th over: England 77-1 (Stoneman 41, Vince 21) It’s GOAT time. Or by the Guardian guide, should that be Goat time? Confusing. Nathan ‘Nathan’ Lyon lands his first ball beautifully. Round the wicket to the left-handed Stoneman, turning it away. Stoneman sweeps a single. Vince comes down the wicket to drive one. They each repeat the dose. England trying to be proactive against Australia’s dangerous tweaker.

A few people have written in on this topic, so here’s Ian Forth. “Acronyms are only acronyms if they form a word. WACA, yes; FBI, no. FIFA, yes; ICC, no. FBI and ICC are merely initialisms. Or sometimes initialisations.”

I respectfully disagree. Interesting how often OBOs (an acronym) become discussions of linguistic prescriptivism. Those definitions may once have had a stricter separation, but the act of usage itself is what defines language. Hence, language and definition changes with and is shaped by usage and adoption. If a word is broadly enough used for a thing, the word comes to mean that thing. The FBI is an acronym, because that’s how a large number of English speakers would define it. Hanging on to outdated definitions doesn’t achieve much. It just becomes a means of performative rectitude.

18th over: England 73-1 (Stoneman 39, Vince 19) James Vince nearly nicks off as he has already in this series, to a full swinging ball angled across him from Starc. It beats him for pace though, luckily for him. He blocks. He leaves. He survives. Starc pounds down another bouncer that clears Paine, for four more byes! Tough on the keeper, though he could have got a bit more elevation there. Ian Healy is already giving England 400 here. Easy, tiger.

17th over: England 69-1 (Stoneman 39, Vince 19) Vince squirts a single from Cummins first ball of the over. He’s not seeing much of the bowling. Stoneman is seeing it well. A couple of blocks, then he gets a juicy cantaloupe and feasts on it, dead straight down the ground. Juice running off his chin. Cummins is not happy and responds with a short ball.

16th over: England 64-1 (Stoneman 35, Vince 18) Finally, an ugly shot from Stoneman. He’s been working hard, but slips there. Sees the width of Starc’s delivery and flaps at it, but wasn’t in position to play, and was trying to drive on the up. Lucky to miss that ball, and the Australians think momentarily about a DRS review. But no.

Hope you’re in the air soon, Nick.

15th over: England 63-1 (Stoneman 35, Vince 17) Ian Chappell with some interesting analysis of Stoneman’s technique to the short ball. Chappelli says you can’t play it standing upright at this ground, because the steepness of bounce means you’ll rarely be in control of your shot. You have to evade, duck, sway, and trust the bounce. Stoneman starting to show a few signs of getting into that rhythm, rather than continuing to jab with the splice. But he’s still getting forward to the full ball. Blocks out most of Cummins’ over after ducking a bouncer.

14th over: England 62-1 (Stoneman 35, Vince 16) Away after drinks, with Starc to continue. The Australians a little annoyed at this fast start, you would think. If England could go in at 120-1 at lunch, they’d be over the moon. Long way to go before that happens though. Vince punches three through cover.

Well, most of the gambling happens illegally anyway, so legislation isn’t going to do much.

13th over: England 58-1 (Stoneman 34, Vince 13) England loving this first hour. A couple more singles worked from Cummins, then Vince survives an appeal after it struck high. The drinks break approaches, and you might expect a little caution, but Vince is feeling so delighted to be alive that he lashes the last ball with a square drive for four. Beverage break.

12th over: England 52-1 (Stoneman 33, Vince 8) Short leg in for Stoneman. Starc pitches full instead. A couple of runs punched through cover off the back foot. Then to finish the over – that’s a dragonfruit! It takes off like Falcor, wide of the batsman but clears the keeper for four byes. So the curators have found a bit of something after all. We’ll see if it survives with the older ball.

“As a West Australian expat,” writes Matt Harris, “it’s going to be sad to see the end of the Waca and its unique character. I know the journalists and others who occasionally have to work there have more complicated feelings about the old venue. But to me, being sunburnt to within an inch of one’s life on a patch of grass in East Perth is one of life’s great pleasures. I once had one of those molded plastic arm casts melt during a Waca Test. It’s almost a shame that the weather for this week looks decidedly mild.”

I once had my own arms melt during a Waca Test. Had to type with my face for a week.

11th over: England 46-1 (Stoneman 31, Vince 8) Stoneman has gone into the cordon more times than a Vietnam War protestor. This time it’s off the edge, but he plays it with soft hands and a bat angled back, so again plays it into the ground first. Maybe this is just really good, survivalist batting. Takes a single. Vince happy to soak up deliveries, getting a feel for it out there. His restraint in Brisbane was impressive in the first innings.

You asked for it, Sheppard. There’s a Carmen Miranda hat of a session coming your way.

10th over: England 45-1 (Stoneman 30, Vince 8) Another short one from Stoneman fended into the gully. Is that four fends now? None of them that controlled, at first glance, but he’s managed to get them all to ground so perhaps there is technique in his madness? Am I just being generous? Hazlewood goes very short, proper W.A.C.A. short ball from a NSW visitor, and Stoneman has all the time in the world to slide down the fireman’s pole and into the basement. Finally escapes the exam with a clunky prod into the covers for one. Vince has two balls to face. Blocks the first. Drives the next through midwicket for four. Proper shot, got on the front foot to that one, lifted his back leg as he gave it the full face with a genuine on-drive. Lovely stuff.

Ben Mimmack is bullish. “I‘m calling it now. Stoneman is getting a century before lunch.”

Now then. If you haven’t found this, may I highly recommend it. Adam Collins and I meant to sit down for 20 minutes with Jason Gillespie. We ended up talking for an hour, because he was such an interesting and insightful character, whether on cricket or the wider world beyond.

Yes, he talks about bowling and injury and back scans that “light up like a Christmas tree.” But he also speaks with insight about ethics and politics, grieving the death of his father, coaching philosophy, the trend of vegan athletes, his own “lightbulb moment”, having alternative views in a macho sport, and being professionally romanced by Andrew Strauss. It’s a wonderful way of getting to know one of cricket’s genuinely good people.

If you want to download the episode or subscribe, you can do that here.

Or if you want to listen on the Guardian site, it’s below.

9th over: England 40-1 (Stoneman 29, Vince 4) Pat Cummins is on for the 9th over. He starts above 140 kilometres per hour immediately. He’s been so important this series so far, taking key wickets when they were really needed, even though he hasn’t taken piles in any one innings. Scorecards are mute prisoners of history. Some nice deliveries to start, but late in the over Vince gets off the mark with a trademark glorious cover drive. Doesn’t nick this one. Four.

“Afternoon Geoffrey,” emails Patrick O’Brien. “Cook falling over himself to get out is reminiscent of the Final Days of Ponting, R. Might have one more innings in him but he seems gone daddyo.” Hmm. That was here at Perth too. Ponting on hands and knees after being cleaned up by Jacques Kallis.

8th over: England 36-1 (Stoneman 29, Vince 0) Another fend to gully! Stoneman again hops up on his toes and can’t control the short ball, with Hazlewood’s steep bounce. Shane Warne reckons the bounce out of this pitch is only going to last as long as the ball is new. So England are negotiating this period well, even if it looks hairy from time to time. Survival is all that matters. And when Stoneman gets a full ball straight, he punishes it through square leg for four.

On Australian place names, Yum counsels us “not to forget the Obi Obi Hall in Obi Obi Rd, Obi Obi.”

7th over: England 32-1 (Stoneman 25, Vince 0) Gee, the action keeps happening. First Mitchell Starc break’s Stoneman’s bat, snapping the handle as the batsman defends. Then bowls a short one that is gloved just in front of gully. Then pitches up and is driven gloriously through the non-striker’s legs for four. Gets off strike with a one, and Vince leaves the last ball.

6th over: England 27-1 (Stoneman 20, Vince 0) Hazlewood to Stoneman. Beats the edge, then jams a short ball up in the air off the splice. No short leg. A single results. Hazlewood looks menacing. “He’s consistently now 8 to 10 kilometres per hour quicker than he was at the Gabba just three weeks ago,” says Mark Taylor.

5th over: England 26-1 (Stoneman 19, Vince 0) James Vince in. Lets the first couple of balls slide across him from the left-armer, and that’s the Starc over.

The helter-skelter continues! Starc has kept attacking the stumps this morning. Cook glanced him for two from the first ball, well saved by Hazlewood in the deep. But the second beat him for swing and pace, nailing him on the front pad as the batsman fell over trying to repeat the shot. Cook’s head remained down, not wanting to even look at the umpire. He knew he was stone, man.

4th over: England 21-0 (Cook 5, Stoneman 16) Now Cook’s into the action. Moves his feet nicely to Hazlewood and drives through cover for four. Loving this outfield, versus Brisbane where every four was a three. Hazlewood hits back with another beauty that just beats the outside edge. Bounce and movement. A terrific battle in the early stages.

“If you write Waca Ground as opposed to WACA Ground,” writes Dylan Wilson, “how would the uninitiated know it stands for something? Surely it could easily be taken as one of those quirky weird Australian place names like Dunedoo, Tittybong and Wee Waa?”

Excellent point. Please take it up with the Guardian style guiders.

3rd over: England 17-0 (Cook 1, Stoneman 16) Starc targeting Cook’s pads, and the Englishman jams a single out to midwicket to open his Dollarmite Savings Account. Starc continues with an absolute beauty to Stoneman. What a delivery. It started on middle, Stoneman tried to play it to leg, and it swung past the attempted shot, squared him up completely, and missed the edge and stumps. Absolute peach. Then Starc follows up with a couple of rotten papayas, a full toss on leg that is glanced for four, then another higher one clipped through midwicket. Two fours in a row for Stoneman, then he gets width and square drives four! What a start from the new guy. Width there, and didn’t swing hard but just used Starc’s pace to guide it away. Fast outfield, make the most of it.

2nd over: England 4-0 (Cook 0, Stoneman 4) Swing for Hazlewood as well. He’s coming over the wicket, swings his second ball too much, and it hits Stoneman but would have been going just down leg. This is a testing start for the England pair. Hazlewood slips wide. It’s full, and crashed through the covers for four. Stoneman laces it. “Look at his head, look at his hands,” enthuses KP, as Stoneman got everything going towards the line of that ball and utterly middled it. Parry and thrust.

1st over: England 0-0 (Cook 0, Stoneman 0) Starc to begin. He’s bowling to Cook, who is playing his 150th Test match. There was a presentation of a special cap to the former captain from the current, just before play. An amazing career he’s had, in terms of longevity and output. Starc is swinging the ball, and Cook is leaving it just outside off stump. Immediately questions if a ball swings back in.

KP on the telly is swallowing his feelings to try to say something nice about his former captain. “He’ll be doing whatever he can – he’s a proud man a stubborn man – to get back into this series.”

Sorry, got distracted by the corruption stuff there. England go in unchanged, while Australia has brought in Mitchell Marsh for Peter Handscomb.

England: Cook, Stoneman, Vince, Root*, Malan, Bairstow+, Moeen, Woakes, Overton, Broad, Anderson.

Australia: Bancroft, Warner, Khawaja, Smith*, S Marsh, M Marsh, Paine+, Starc, Cummins, Lyon, Hazlewood.

Talk to me

As ever, we want you. Send me a tweet at @GeoffLemonSport, or an email at [email protected]. All day, all night.

Match-fixing, or talking about match-fixing

So-called. OK, we have to address this because it’s… not exactly a big story, but a loud story going around this morning. My initial impression is a lack of substance. A British paper has reported a sting in which some dodgy characters talked a big game, offering to spot-fix passages of play in the Perth Test. The report has a lot of detail about what they offered to fix, but doesn’t have anything about any actual players being involved. Which is kind of necessary for fixing.

So at this stage the story is: two guys with no known connections to any Australian or English cricketers offered an undercover journo something that they have no way to deliver, in exchange for large amounts of cash. While it may shock you to suggest that criminals might lie for money, that’s the sad reality of the modern world we live in.

One would also think that if any fixes were actually happening, the newspaper would hold off its report until the deed had been done. Just like with Salman Butt and company. Why trigger the sting before the event? The only reason is if you won’t have a story after the event, so you want to get in now.

Anyway. All the acronyms – ICC, CA, ECB – have to take these things seriously, so they’re looking into it.

A spokesperson from Cricket Australia said: “The allegations raised by media outlets are of serious concern. Cricket Australia takes a zero-tolerance approach against anybody trying to bring the game into disrepute. Cricket Australia will co-operate fully with any ICC Anti-Corruption Unit investigation.”

Alex Marshall, the ICC anti-crookery boss, said “From my initial assessment of the material, there is no evidence, either from The Sun or via our own intelligence, to suggest the current Test Match has been corrupted. At this stage of the investigation, there is no indication that any players in this Test have been in contact with the alleged fixers.”

If anyone runs out six partners today, we’ll reconvene on the subject.

However you spell it, we’re told this will be the last Ashes Test at the W.A.C.A / Waca / Whacker / Waqar Younis. I strongly suspect it will be the last Test of any kind. The new stadium looms just over the river, a monolith of concrete and glass sitting on the skyline like a Vogon spaceship. The idea was to use it for the big teams, and keep smaller drawing sides playing at the old ground. But I suspect once the new ground has had an India Test next summer and a few one-day games, those running it will just want to keep all matches there in future.

And so the W.A.C.A. fades into history. All its myth and legend will only grow, with no current reality to detract from it. To fill in the time, why not read Ali Martin’s farewell. Or you can read from Vic Marks, a rare cricketer in that he’s an Englishman who won a Sheffield Shield playing for Western Australia back in the mid 1980s. A wealth of knowledge lies within his bonce, and he has the uncanny ability to make it come out of his fingers.

I have just remembered that under the Guardian’s house style, I should type the ground’s name as the Waca, not the WACA. Never the WACA. On the Guardian, acronyms that are said as words are then typed as words, whereas ones that are said as letters are typed as letters. Hello FBI and CIA.

Sometimes, though, a formal gent like Richie Benaud would say, “Welcome to the W.A.C.A. ground,” so as far as I’m concerned that punctuation is totally legit.

What’s going on in Perth

To set the scene: we hear a lot about the fast and bouncy Waca, but this is a bit like Uncle Rico telling you when he used to be a star quarterback. “Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we woulda been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind.” After they relaid the square around the turn of the millenium, it’s mostly been a pudding. Flat track, millions of runs in it. The groundsman is leaving for the MCG after this Test, and it’ll be the last Ashes Test at the Waca, so he may have been tempted to leave a lot of grass on it and make it more a bowler’s wicket. But even then, the glimpses we had seemed pretty dry, and Steve Smith reckoned it was a bit soft as well yesterday. So, win the toss and bat. And bat. And bat. Joe Root had better hope his mob can find those hundreds they’ve been searching for.

It’s a warm and bright day in Perth, but no more than warm – a gentle 23 degrees at pleasant, as opposed to the 40+ it was through the last Ashes Test here in 2013. Hoo boy, that was fun. The sun is brighter here than anywhere else on earth, for reasons unknown to me or to science, but it’s a scientific opinion fact. But you may be interested to know that there is rain forecast for days four and five, so perhaps the draw is on the cards if neither team does anything silly.

Greetings and salutations from all Perthlings to those travellers from distant stars. From the western coast of this continent island, from Albany to Fitzroy Crossing, Margaret River to Broome, we say: welcome. And I would like to purge the earth of people… sorry, urge the people of Perth, to open their arms wide to all as the Ashes Mach III looms on the near horizon like a menacing new stadium about to render obsolete a clunky old concrete dinosaur.

Mixed enough metaphors in there? I have no idea what’s happening anymore.

The only part that actually matters, however, is that the cricket is about to get underway. Not an insect undertaking a long journey, but a game of the same name which will soon start. After the next 75 scarce minutes that we have together alone and undistracted, cricketless, another Test match will begin.

Australia versus England. You may have heard something about this contest. If you haven’t, it’s about two countries that quite like each other really but have a hard time expressing their emotions because of the suffocating effects of patriarchal culture, thus can only express fondness through theatrical violence of the physical, verbal, psychic, and spiritual kind. On the plus side, this has turned into a form of expression that is quite compelling to watch.

The Ashes are on the line, with England 2-0 down. A win here, and the Aussies get them back. But if England can come back and attain a result, the series remains open into Melbourne and Sydney, the holiday games of the year.

Geoff will be here shortly. In the meantime, here’s Vic Marks on Australia’s love of the sledge: