CYCLE OF WOE
Sometimes, upon reading a release from Fifa, there can be no response but to sit back in awed appreciation. These guys just get football, on a different level to most of us. This is why they are the custodians of the game, and safer hands there could not be (though Gordon Banks, who will pluck a few balls in Friday’s draw, had a pretty decent pair. Of hands.)
The draw will surely prove this to all of us. Held in the State Kremlin Palace, a 6,000-capacity arena, there will be 1,500 journalists and 1,400 guests, 465 volunteers, 210 performers, 30 coaches (representing all but two of the qualified nations: Australia don’t currently have one and Uruguay’s Óscar Tabárez doesn’t seem to be bothered) and 10 “football legends” including two from England, the co-host Gary Lineker and the aforementioned Banks. Meanwhile, Fifa proudly announces, 162 bins and containers will be used to separate and recycle waste.
Hang on, 162 bins and containers? And this number is interesting how exactly? Sure, it’s good that they’re there – no “football legend” wants to hang around in an arena strewn with empty crisp packets and apple cores – but with statistics like this it seems nothing will stop Fifa from littering the world with mundanity.
This isn’t even a one-off. At the end of the 2014 World Cup – where “specially trained volunteers” were “responsible for waste separation” – it proudly announced that “420 tonnes of recyclable waste was collected from the stadiums and additional World Cup-related facilities”. During preparations for the preliminary draw for the 2018 tournament, held in St Petersburg back in 2015, Fifa announced that “a tailor-made system of 150-200 waste bins will be used to ensure that non-recyclable waste is separated from recyclable material such as paper, plastic, glass, batteries, food waste, cardboard, cans [and] packaging materials”.
It turns out that this number was not only woefully imprecise but wildly inaccurate. A subsequent release declared “recycling a success at Russia 2018 preliminary draw” and announced that “more than 300 containers were used”. “In total, 655kg of packaging made from various forms of polyethylene was sent for recycling, along with 790kg of cardboard and paper, 350kg of glass, 107kg of plastic bottles, 77kg of organic waste and 6kg of batteries,” Fifa trilled. “In addition, more than three tonnes of decorations will be reused at civic events.”
The Fiver would like to make it absolutely clear that recycling is important. We do not wish to belittle it. But let’s just consider this boast for a moment. An empty plastic water bottle weighs about 19 grams. A single piece of paper weighs about 4.5 grams. So Fifa got through 5,632 non-reusable bottles and threw out 176,000 pieces of unnecessary paper, and then declared its sustainability program “a success”. The scamp.
Fifa’s statistical breakdown of tomorrow’s ball-plucking concludes that “the draw to establish who the competing nations will face during the group stage” will offer “arguably the most important numbers of all”. In Fifa’s world, the idea that the most important bit of the World Cup draw is the World Cup draw is in some way “arguable”.
Tomorrow’s schedule in brief, then: at 2pm local time (11am GMT/12pm CET) the 30 coaches and other members of the team delegations will attend a “team seminar” where they “will learn about the key operational aspects of next year’s showpiece event” (fascinating bin statistic ahoy), and at 6pm local time (3pm GMT/4pm CET) the draw itself will start, whereupon we will finally learn the identities of the national sides destined to take the starring roles in the ease-through-qualifying-crumble-at-the-finals drama that England seem so keen – and Fifa will appreciate this – on endlessly recycling.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Tino by miles. Tino was another league. But always in a nice way. Not that Maradona was in a bad way. But Tino was really, really, a constant search for trouble. Good trouble” – Gianfranco Zola ranks Faustino Asprilla, once placed under house arrest on charges of weapons possession and criminal damage for allegedly firing a machine gun at security forces near his farm in Colombia, ahead of Diego Maradona as his wildest ever team-mate.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I can assure Alex Metcalfe (Wednesday’s fiver letters) that us Bury fans have never referred to the derby between Rochdale and Oldham as El Flatcapico or even the more accurate El Crapico, but then I suppose ‘them t*ssers down the road are playing each other today’ doesn’t roll off the tongue quite as well” – Adrian Foster.
“As a Rochdale fan of 40 years, I must take issue with Alex Metcalfe’s claim that the derby with Oldham is called El Flatcapico – admittedly I left the UK 20 years ago and now only make around one game a season (the last a miserable loss to Rotherham) and times may have moved on, but surely neither town has relocated to flat cap wearing Yorkshire in my absence? It’ll be whippets next” – Nick Livesey.
“Taxpayers Stadium: The Jizznasium?” – Dylan Reynolds.
“Reading the news that same sex couples attending the forthcoming World Cup, who exhibit fondness for each other by holding hands or other such gestures have been warned that they could face persecution or punishment I set to wondering what will happen should a participating football team or members thereof celebrate, say, a goal or maybe a victory, or even perhaps, the glory of winning the competition. Even the firm handshake of yesteryear could be punished never mind current trends for group hugs and occasional kisses.” – Johnny McIntyre.
“How are we going to break it to the children of north London that Santi won’t make it this Christmas?” – Daniel Doody.
Send your letters to [email protected]. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Dylan Reynolds, who wins a copy of Football Manager 2018, thanks to the good people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got plenty more to give away, so keep typing.
RECOMMENDED WATCHING
There is a pub in the middle of Brighton, 270 miles from Anfield, that is home to a community of Liverpool fans. They call it the Brighton Kop and it is expecting 3,000 Reds when Jürgen Klopp’s side visit Brighton on 2 December.
THE RECAP
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
A group of death? The best and worst-case scenarios for England before Friday’s World Cup draw.
England fans have been told to stick to just the one ice-cold pint to avoid trouble at the World Cup next summer. “I would recommend to make sure that you don’t drink a lot when you’re in Russia,” whooped tourism suit Igor Karzov.
Sean Dyche toasted Burnley’s Total Football after their fourth win in five matches – but insists his team are not trying to be Barcelona. “The pride I have in the players and their professionalism is off the scale,” he roared.
David Silva has scribbled his name all over a new Manchester City contract, extending his deal by one year until 2020. “I am incredibly proud of what I have achieved at City in my seven and a half seasons here and with Pep in charge, I feel we are in a great position to win trophies this season and beyond,” the Spaniard said.
Oldham Athletic have appointed Paul Jewell and Paul Terry, brother of John, to their backroom staff. “I’m looking forward to it, it’s a really exciting time and it’s a good time to be here,” cooed manager Richie Wellens.
And finally, Iceland captain Aron Gunnarsson could be ready to do one at Cardiff City after rejecting a new deal. “He would stay and play in the Premier League – if I wanted him,” sniffed manager Neil Warnock.
STILL WANT MORE?
Find out all there is to know about Russia’s World Cup stadiums, including history lessons and the hitches along the way, in this dapper guide.
Dave Challinor gets his chat on with Paul Wilson about giving up the long throw, Tranmere and taking AFC Fylde to Wigan in the FA Cup second round.
Everton have put their faith in Big Sam Allardici in order to renew their, and his, lofty ambitions, writes Ed Aarons.
An ex-Arsenal youngster is big in Bulgaria, and the tale of Felix Wiedwald’s borrowed cap feature in this week’s edition of Classic YouTube.
Marcelo Bielsa’s short-lived catastrophe at Lille is almost over, so-say Adam White and Eric Devin in the latest Ligue 1 blog.
Is Hatem Ben Arfa on his way back to the Premier League and are Liverpool set to bid £53m for Sporting Lisbon’s Gelson Martins? That and more in today’s Rumour Mill.
And he’s part of an exclusive club, but was Wayne Rooney’s halfway line goal on Wednesday the best in Premier League history?
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