CRISIS? WHAT CRISIS? (OH, THAT CRISIS)
The Fiver knows a crisis when it’s in one: the clock’s ticking towards 4.58pm and you’re scrambling around looking for a Quote of the Day. It’s raining, there’s a hole in your shoe, your trousers are on fire and the bass, synth and digitally delayed guitars of Mr Mister’s Broken Wings is playing on a loop in your head. It gets worse: you discover nobody anywhere has said anything amusing or controversial and your regular go-to guys have been struck dumb with laryngitis. Get well soon, Keysy! Get well soon, Sepp! The Fiver’s rooting for ya, Garth!
Crisis.
Admittedly such things are all relative but, given our extensive knowledge of panic, you’ll pardon The Fiver for pooh-poohing the notion that a very good, mega-rich football team who have lost two successive games are in what you’d call a crisis. But to paraphrase Sheriff Ed Tom Bell from No Country For Old Men, this is Real Madrid so it’ll do till the crisis – or Sunderland – gets here. Predictably, this isn’t how the Spanish press views the matter and when The Fiver rang its castanet-clacking, guitar-plucking, siesta-taking, bull-fighting stereotypical Spanish cousin Juan de la Juan de la Juan de la Juan Straw Donkey Olé Olé Olé Eldorado Sun Sea Sand Dust Fiver to see how the local hacks reacted to Real Madrid’s smiting at the hands of Tottenham Hotspur, he wasn’t slow about telling us.
“Ha de la ha de la ha de la ha de la ha!” he jabbered down the phone. “Repaso al Madrid! Sin rumbo! Saltan todas las alarmas! Pesadilla en Wembley! Son una impotencia!” he added, before hanging up and leaving us none the wiser and fast-forwarding through a One-Day Spanish CD so we could do our own translation. “Tottenham, vibrant in their performance, destroyed the champions after a fantastic second half when they imposed their speed and punch to burst all the fragile seams of the team that was the envy of the continent but has now become vulgar and easy to beat,” wrote Jesús Sánchez in Real Madrid newsletter Marca, while his El País colleague José Sámano described the result as evidence that Zinedine Zidane’s team “is gone”.
Whether or not Zidane will be gone in the near future remains to be seen, with his team already eight points behind Barcelona in La Liga and in no danger whatsoever of failing to qualify from their Big Cup group. “You always ask me if I’m worried, but I’m not worried,” whispered Zidane. “I’m never going to be, whatever happens. We played against a better side. They were better tonight and we have to accept that. We didn’t play badly. We had chances to level, but what’s been happening to us recently is that we’re not able to score. That’s it.” So there you have it: Real Madrid are in crisis and as The Fiver’s old drinking buddy PG Wodehouse used to say: “In all crises of human affairs there are two broad courses open to a man – he can stay where he is or he can go elsewhere.” Zizou will embark on one broad course or another, although the choice will not be his.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Similar performances for some clubs are magic, are examples of brilliant tactics and amazing attitude but from other players and other teams the same kind of performance becomes conservative, becomes negative, becomes so many adjectives. Just as an example, Tottenham beat Real Madrid 3-1 and Tottenham didn’t score against Manchester United so my players deserve at least a little bit of credit” – what about love? What about trust? What about José?
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FIVER LETTERS
“I have, since 8 August, been avidly following every predicted score you have made. You see, I placed a quid on Real Madrid to beat United 2-1 in Biggest Cup on your advice and it came in. Since then I have placed a pound from my winnings on every predicted scoreline in your publication. Unbelievably, that initial flutter has got me as far as November. From the thrilling highs of Arsenal 3-1 Cologne to the galling, ‘what the hell are you doing?’ lows of Wednesday night’s bet on Liverpool 10 – 0 Maribor. So here I am, £2 left in the kitty and with presumably a couple of half-baked, ill-conceived Big Vase predicted scores in Thursday’s Fiver. No pressure” – Simon Lea.
“I think the Arsenal board are on to something (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). They’ve been accused of being out-of-touch elitists. Obviously they don’t fancy getting rid of any of their own privileges, so they’ve taken the novel route of making the fans more elite. By increasing the number of hospitality seats they’ve become less out of touch with the fans, without having to change their own behaviour one bit. Soon they’ll be only a couple more increases in ticket prices away from being the most in-touch board of the Premier League” – Richard Hyslop.
“I was on the coach from Bristol to London on Wednesday afternoon, Megabus no less, when The Fiver pinged into my inbox. Well, more dribbled than pinged, but I was bored so I started reading. The usual drivel, some abuse of Sunderland, outlandish predictions for the evening’s Big Cup games, when to my great shock the man on the seat next to me actually laughed. That’s right, I sense your disbelief, he was reading The Fiver over my shoulder and found something that made him laugh out loud. Out loud, damn it! Not even just one of those little nasal exhalations. Naturally I asked him just what he had found to laugh at in what is, and let’s be honest here, a cripplingly unfunny email at the best of times, but sadly it turned out he was French, so I guess we’ll never know. I can only conclude The Fiver becomes amusing when you can’t actually understand it” – Sholem Lenkiewicz.
“If Espírito Santo gets the Everton gig (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs), will he bring in the Father and the Son on to his management team to form an unbeatable holy trinity? If ever there was a team that needed a miracle” – Mick Ward.
“Re: Leonid Slutsky being ‘my own most serious analyst’ (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). Is he having some kind of existential crisis? A long, hard look in the mirror will convince him that Hull is other people” – Justin Kavanagh.
Send your letters to [email protected]. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Sholem Lenkiewicz, who wins a copy of the excellent new David Squires book, The Illustrated History of Football: Hall of Fame. We’ve more to give away, so keep typing.
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BITS AND BOBS
Tammy Abraham, Ruben Loftus-Cheek and Joe Gomez have been called up by England for the first time – but Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, headwear salesman Daniel Sturridge, Chris Smalling and $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver are among those to have missed out. And look: Ashley Young is back in the squad. “Generally speaking we want to look at younger players and develop the team, but I’ve always said if a more senior player is playing well and warrants the call-up, we should include them,” cheered Gareth Southgate.
Best we get some Spurs reaction in. “We now belong not only among the best teams in England but in Europe, and results like this will show people where we are going,” whooped Mauricio Pochettino. “Right now, we’re very proud. But this means nothing if at the end of the season we haven’t won a trophy.”
Sergio Agüero banged in a club-record 178th Manchester City goal in their particularly entertaining 4-2 Big Cup win at Napoli. “He’s a legend for the club, for the history, and everybody has to be so proud of that,” parped Pep Guardiola.
Speaking of which, how well do you know the other Premier League clubs’ top scorers?
Chelsea’s coaching staff are confident N’Golo Kanté will be fit to face Manchester United on Sunday but must now convince him he’s ready to return from hamstring-twang.
Liverpool U-18s coach $tevie Mbe believes Rhian Brewster and co need to become “world class” if they want to break through into the first team at Anfield. Presumably unless they’re goalkeepers or defenders.
And Hyde United boss Darren Kelly is trying to gear up his eighth-tier outfit for an FA Cup upset against MK Dons on Friday night. “You have got to believe, and I believe we can achieve something,” he roared. “It’s live on the BBC, so they must believe we can do something.”
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THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
Bournemouth’s likeable left-back Charlie Daniels gets his chat on with Stuart James about signing up for Juan Mata’s foundation, that goal against Man City, fatherhood, the decline of his old club Leyton Orient and more.
Tottenham’s win over Real Madrid exposed the soft underbelly of some of Europe’s super clubs, muses floating footballing brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson.
And while we’re all a-quiver at plucky Tottenham’s exploits, here’s Barney Ronay lavishing praise on their English core.
Not everyone’s basking in Big Cup joy though. Dominic Fifield looks at the reason for Chelsea’s descent from champs to chumps.
Up for the Cup: fans, ball-boys, players, club suits and others explain why the FA Cup first round matters.
FA Cup first-round shocks feature in this week’s Classic YouTube.
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