“The resultant negative impact of one or both partners being consistently sleep-deprived can be devastating for the relationship, as well as to physical health, work success and in other life areas,” Cilona says.
When someone isn’t sleeping well, whether it’s for reasons related to their partner or not, they experience cognitive changes that increase moodiness and make them more irritable during the day, something that is often taken out on the people you’re closest with. Dr. Jeffrey Durmer, neurologist, sleep medicine physician and Chief Medical Officer at FusionHealth, says people who aren’t getting enough sleep tend to experience a lack of judgment, and say and do things they wouldn’t generally do if well-rested.
People are unable to process emotional content as well when they’re sleep-deprived, he says. “For a couple, this could lead to miscommunication and perhaps worse relationship issues, and sometimes when you’re sleep-deprived that concept of being mindful of each other and taking each other into consideration, that all goes away.”
Separate Beds Is a Potential Fix, But May Not Be the Best One
A significantly large population of adults have undiagnosed sleep disorders.
A significantly large population of adults have undiagnosed sleep disorders.
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I don’t want to be uncomfortable sleeping with other people. I know it’s detrimental to what little love life I currently have. It bothers me a lot, and has always been something I’ve viewed as chronic. I think most people in a similar situation to mine share the sentiment that if they could consistently sleep well with their loved one next to them, they’d prefer that over sleeping separately.
Fortunately, Durmer believes that in many cases this is a possibility. He acknowledges that getting better sleep can positively influence a romantic relationship, but says it’s important to keep in mind that if you’re waking your partner up or vice versa, sleeping in separate beds or rooms eliminates the initial irritant, but it might not necessarily be your best solution. It’s more of a stop-gap that doesn’t always address the issue that is at the root of the problem — which is commonly a sleep disorder like sleep apnea, snoring, insomnia or restless leg syndrome. Durmer says a significantly large population of adults have undiagnosed sleep disorders.
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“These disorders can create as much a problem for the partner they’re sleeping with as it does for [the person experiencing them],” he says. “The idea of people sleeping apart might be helpful for those who elect to, but if a sleep disorder is the underlying problem, it can be addressed.”
Once you figure out if you have a sleep disorder and take the steps to correct it, you could be back in bed with your partner, with both of you sleeping soundly. Even if you do simply dig sleeping alone because of something like environmental preferences, you may still want to consult a sleep expert and see if you may have a sleep disorder, as they can wear away at both your physical and mental health over time. Durmer recommends finding a certified sleep specialist for diagnosis and treatment, instead of going to going to a primary care physician who might not be fully qualified to deal with those types of issues.
NOT SLEEPING TOGETHER DOESN’T MEAN “NOT SLEEPING TOGETHER”
If I do someday end up in a serious, lasting relationship, it’s possible I will still prefer sleeping alone. Even if I’m finally able to find something that alleviates my insomnia, I will probably always rather sleep in cold conditions with rain sounds blaring, while my theoretical partner may not.
I feel optimistic that if this imaginary person and I stay communicative about it, we can sleep in different beds every night and still have a loving, happy and healthy relationship on every level, including the physical.