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A young female South African physician has ignited a national dialogue regarding a subtle form of domestic abuse often kept hidden: financial abuse. This issue impacts women across various professions, emphasizing the need for awareness and support.
Doctor’s Story Brings Financial Abuse to Light
In a series of widely viewed online videos, Dr. Celiwe Ndaba detailed how she experienced financial exploitation by her husband, an ordeal that escalated and ultimately led to their separation. Her candid account has resonated with many, highlighting the prevalence of spousal financial abuse.
Vlogging About Financial Strain
Often filming from her car en route to work, the mother of three chronicled over two weeks how, despite her flourishing career, she felt ensnared in a detrimental marriage for years. She felt manipulated into supporting her husband’s lifestyle, particularly his aspiration to own a Mercedes Benz.
Dr. Ndaba, who has since resumed using her maiden name and experienced a surge in her follower count, described taking out loans for him to acquire these vehicles as the “worst decision” of her life, placing considerable financial strain on their family.
She recounted that despite her urgings for him to choose a more economical option, he refused, accusing her of trying to “turn him into a laughing stock by making him drive a small car.”
Warning to Others
The physician explained that her motivation for speaking out was to caution others, emphasizing that abusive relationships are not limited to “uneducated” or “less fortunate” women.
Her estranged husband, Temitope Dada, has not yet provided a response to a request for comment.
Husband Responds on Social Media
Following the online discussions, he created a TikTok account where he acknowledged: “You may know me as… ‘Mr. Benz or nothing.'”
His limited posts feature hashtags such as #divorcetrauma, where he alleges the accusations are untrue.
Support Groups Emerge Online
Nevertheless, the comments sections on Dr. Ndaba’s TikTok and other social media platforms have evolved into supportive communities. Many female breadwinners share strikingly similar experiences.
“You are brave to speak out so publicly… I have been suffering in silence,” one commenter noted.
The Intersection of Independence and Patriarchy
Cape Town-based lawyer Bertus Preller suggests that despite the increasing number of South African women entering professions like medicine, law, and entrepreneurship, high-paying jobs do not necessarily liberate them from patriarchal influences.
He argues that women’s financial independence clashes with “cultural norms that prioritize male authority.”
Their achievements, in some instances, appear to render them targets.
Defining Financial Abuse
Financial abuse, as explained by the lawyer, arises when one partner exerts control over or exploits the other’s financial resources.
“It is a subtle yet potent tactic of domestic violence, aimed at keeping the victim under control,” he stated.
In South Africa, this is legally recognized as economic abuse under the Domestic Violence Act.
Mr. Preller clarifies that actions such as “unjustly withholding money for essentials or interfering with shared assets” fall under the act’s purview.
Personal Accounts of Financial Exploitation
A university lecturer, speaking anonymously, shared with the BBC how her husband misrepresented his qualifications and ultimately left her in a precarious financial state.
It began with her car being primarily used by him without him ever paying for gas. It then included loans she secured for his unsuccessful business endeavors, and finally, an eviction notice as he ceased contributing to rent, leaving her to cover all family expenses, including those for their three children.
Despite these challenges, they remained together for nearly a decade, even with the presence of physical abuse.
“He’s very smart… I was in love with his smartness, his big dreams. But he couldn’t follow them up with actions. His pride was his downfall,” she recounted.
Even when he managed to earn money, he still withheld contributions.
“He started withholding whatever money he had for himself. He’d go out drinking with his friends, come back – the salary is gone,” she said detailing the extent of the financial abuse.
The Psychological Impact of Financial Abuse
Legal financial expert Somila Gogoba emphasizes that beyond monetary control, financial abuse often has profound psychological dimensions.
“For the abuser, this behavior may stem from feelings of inadequacy, fear of abandonment, or the need for dominance,” she explained.
Impact on Victims
- Feelings of worthlessness
- Fear
- Dependence, which can be paralyzing
Research on Breadwinners and Intimate Partner Violence
Research from the University of South Africa indicates that these experiences are not isolated, highlighting that women who earn more than their partners face a significantly higher risk of intimate partner violence.
In their comprehensive study of 10 women who were their families’ primary breadwinners, only two were married.
“For eight of the participants, their choice of being single resulted from their experiences of physical, emotional and sexual violence… All the women said they believed that their role as female breadwinners was viewed as threatening to the traditional male role of a provider,” said researcher Bianca Parry.
Cultural Expectations and Power Dynamics
Ms. Gogoba asserts that female breadwinners are often undervalued compared to their male counterparts, despite their economic contributions: “This cultural backdrop can encourage some partners to feel entitled to control the finances, even when they do not contribute equally.”
“This control is not just about money – it is also about power and maintaining a grip on the relationship dynamics.”
Nombulelo Shange, a sociology lecturer at the University of the Free State, views this as part of a growing trend of financial exploitation among middle-class women in South Africa.
“Black women face a double patriarchy: Western expectations at work, traditional expectations at home. When these collide, harmful ideologies escalate,” she noted.
Balancing Act
She further elucidated that navigating the pressures of being a successful woman while simultaneously fulfilling the roles of “the caregiver, the mother, the good wife, the good neighbor, and community member who goes to church every Sunday” is challenging, as women have historically been conditioned to accommodate men’s egos.
Since Dr. Ndaba’s disclosures, women on social media have shared accounts of providing their male partners with their debit or credit cards when dining out to create the appearance that he is covering the bill.
According to Ms. Shange, this exemplifies how the responsibility for a harmonious home environment often rests on the woman’s shoulders.
“You think: ‘If I just get them a car, they’ll be happy.’ Love makes you blind. When your person struggles, you struggle too – you want to fix it,” she explained.
Long-Term Financial Consequences
By the time the university lecturer finalized her divorce, she had accumulated debts of 140,000 rand ($7,500; £5,600) – all incurred in her name.
“Before, I could plan things like holidays. Now they are a luxury,” she lamented.
Dr. Ndaba has repeatedly emphasized to her followers, as she did in one vlog: “Finance is an important aspect of people’s marriages.”
Seeking Protection and Advice
The lecturer wholeheartedly agreed, advising young women to take their time when getting to know their partners and engaging in open, honest conversations.
“Talk about the finances, talk about your background, talk about emotions and character.”
Ms. Gogoba advocated for increased vigilance in safeguarding financial well-being, advising individuals to maintain separate bank accounts, securely protect their PINs, and regularly monitor their credit card activity.
All experts concurred that women should recognize that love should not demand an unsustainable financial sacrifice.