Sure, being a movie critic seems like an amazing job. But that’s because you guys aren’t forced to see the 100-plus films that suck every year. From Sia to Gaga, here are the five worst movies of 2021.
‘Music’
What’s that Madonna lyric? “‘Music’ makes the people leave together”? Australian singer Sia’s unwatchable directorial debut (and presumably her final bow) is offensive to people with autism, good taste or both. Her main character, named Music (reliving this is incredibly painful), imagines her life as a series of coked-up, bright-pink music videos you pray will end. Kate Hudson shaved her head to play Music’s big sister, and Leslie Odom Jr. violently holds the little girl down to stop her from screaming. “I’m crushing you with my love!” he says. Critics, meanwhile, crushed “Music” with our reviews.
‘House of Gucci’
If Lady Gaga gives one more fake interview about how her preparation to play Patrizia Reggiani — the ex-wife of fashion mogul Maurizio Gucci who paid to have him killed — caused her agonizing pain, I will chuck my TV into the alley. The abysmal movie is longer than her character’s eyelashes and was directed by Ridley Scott to be neither camp nor serious true crime. Jared Leto’s acting is as Italian as a Tombstone pizza.
‘Eternals’
Why call it “Avengers: Endless” or “Infinity Bore” when the movie describes itself so perfectly — eternal. Angelina Jolie does an almost-British accent as one of 10 forgettable Marvel heroes who can barely move their faces. It had Oscar-winning director Chloé Zhao at the helm and an enticing premise — a centuries-old collective of superbeings who protect Earth. But it turned out to be one of the worst MCU movies ever.
‘Space Jam: A New Legacy‘
1996’s “Space Jam,” starring Michael Jordan, was an event, but not a good movie. So, naturally, they made a sequel 25 years later. Asking who’s better in the lead role, Jordan or new star LeBron James, is a bit like saying “What’s more delicious: kale or spinach?” Yet James is notably worse in a role that asked him to simply be himself in front of a green screen for probably about a week. The movie, featuring the Looney Tunes, is little more than product placement for Warner Bros.
‘The Starling’
I should start calling these the Melissa McCarthy Awards. She never fails to make the cut! The formidably talented comedic actress has made yet another piece of roadkill, this time about a woman who tries to recover her life and her marriage after her child dies. Nice idea, horrible execution. You almost admire the skill it takes to make a movie so tone deaf and poorly written.