Georgian Police, the cop game that makes Police Quest seem normal

From 2010 to 2014 Richard Cobbett wrote Crapshoot, a column about rolling the dice to bring random obscure games back into the light. This week, is it possible to follow the letter of the law when you don’t even recognise the letters? Luckily, turns out everyone speaks ‘gun’.

Sadly, this is not the Georgian I was hoping for. I really wanted this to be a Police Quest set in the Regency, full of cries of “Cease and desist, you bounder, lest you also become a cad!” But no. We’re talking the country of Georgia, whose Ministry of the Interior—if the story is accurate—thought it would be a great idea to have a game promoting the fine work of the police in a “virtual hunt down of criminals and Russian spies.” It’s free. And there are two parts—neither of which I understand a word of.

I’m almost positive this will not prove to be a problem.

Remember – no Russians.

Probably the best starting point here is to compare Georgian Police (technically, yes, its full name is just “Police”) with the American-made Police Quest. One is a ridiculous, surreal journey into a world of weird protocol where everyone speaks in their own convoluted language. The other is Georgian Police. We’ve looked at the original Police Quest before, and… wow. Get a cuckoo clock. On the plus side, at no point does the designer of Georgian Police try and make you admire his balls.

And my balls are doing fine too, thank you for asking.

And my balls are doing fine too, thank you for asking.

Georgian Police is a little more restrained… for about a minute or so, before turning into the most hilariously out of place Unreal shooting gallery ever. You’re a cop, called to a hostage situation, I think, who accidentally ends up being the only one to infiltrate the building with a pistol. About five femtoseconds later you pick up an AK-47 rip-off, and damn near the entire rest of the game consists of clocking up the kind of bodycount that Rambo, Jack Bauer, and smallpox can only dream of.