FIVERCOIN™, ANYONE?
What to give those who have everything? Football’s answer is, as ever, more money. And there’s a new cash cow in town, the wonderful world of cryptocurrency and non-fungible tokens. Everyone’s involved, from Paul Pogba’s dragon eggs to “Messiverse” crypto-art collections. Top, top Social Media Disgrace star Plain Old John Terry is an advocate and last week applauded Wayne Rooney for “making moves in the NFT [non-fungible token – Fiver Big Tech Ed] world”. Rooney features in a collection that also includes boxing legend Muhammad Ali, rugger legend Jonah Lomu, swedging legend Michael Bisping and ice hockey bloke Alex Ovechkin.
What does it all mean? Don’t ask us. The Fiver still keeps cash under a mildewed MFI mattress and, if payday is looming, writes a cheque to pay for the weekend’s supply of Tin. You can stick your Switch card, or that waving-a-mobile-phone-at-a-sensor you see The Kids do when they pay for their expensive IPAs and avocado and mung bean salads.
Things become very confusing when press releases like this from Manchester City drop through the Fiver Towers letterbox. “We are excited to partner with 3Key in their journey to simplify the decentralised finance (DeFi) trading analysis user experience through the power of football to engage with our fans with a range of content and activations,” roared Stephen Cieplik, City Football Group’s senior vice-suit of Global Partnership Sales last week.
Even harder to comprehend is the news that 3Key do not appear to have something called a digital footprint. This is apparently a bad thing, though it sounds akin to what Weird Uncle Fiver has been trying to achieve for some years. After some canny internet sleuths did some digging, City suits have had to confirm they will not activate any products or services connected to the partnership unless all relevant regulations have been met.
Meanwhile, the NFT graphics that football stars ask fans to pay for often resemble the type of cartoonish doodles you see on the graffiti wall of the school art department. They supposedly have a value in cryptocurrency terms that can be traded, even if you can right-click and save the jpeg yourself, in an echo of those halcyon days of Napster and “home taping is killing music”.
In short, football has found a new revenue stream. Timely, as sources of old money are sapped by the pandemic with inflation on the rise. Betting sponsorship may soon be drying up as a result of heavier regulation. And crypto by nature is unregulated. This is the Wild West stage of crypto wibble. As club football returns this weekend you will find a crypto website sponsoring VAR in Serie A, clubs flogging “fan tokens” and more ropey jpegs on players’ various Social Media Disgrace feeds. What could possibly go wrong?
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Luke McLaughlin for MBM coverage of Chelsea 7-0 Servette in their Women’s Big Cup clash (8pm GMT).
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We wish to state categorically that the allegations are frivolous, baseless and lack merit and should be treated with all the contempt [they] deserve … [we] call on the South African FA to responsibly accept defeat and show respect to the Black Stars’ achievement on the field. This is not the first time Ghana has defeated South Africa and this will not be the last time” – a few choice highlights from the Ghanaian FA’s 1,100-word response, after South Africa had called for their Human Rights World Cup qualifier to be replayed.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Football Weekly Extra is here! Join Max and co as they chat Wales, Stockport County and the impending, inevitable return of the Premier League.
FIVER LETTERS
“There’s a Fiver Lazy Stereotype Editor now [Wednesday’s Fiver]? They are going to be very busy – they’ll need to work faster than a Fiver hack trying to gulp down the last of his [Snip! – Fiver Lazy Stereotype Editor] at closing time” – Dan Davis.
“Back at the start of the millennium Charlton played Mark Fish, Jorge Costa and John Fortune in the same defence. Sadly they didn’t pick Luke Young to make up the back line” – Dan Ashley.
“We thank you for recognising Canada’s football existence – our victory at the Edmonton Iceteca was preceded by a win over Panama that featured a goal that is unlike any other goal ever scored” – Clive Jones.
Send your letters to [email protected]. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Clive Jones.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Chelsea goalkeeper Édouard Mendy and his cousin, Real Madrid’s Ferland Mendy, have both complained that media outlets have used images of them to accompany stories about Benjamin Mendy. “These ‘mistakes’ of photos appear anecdotal, but actually they are quite the opposite, they are highly symbolic,” said Édouard on Social Media Disgrace Instagram.
$tevie Mbe has wasted no time setting standards at Aston Villa. “The players have to have the right mentality. Go above and beyond. They need to strive to be elite,” he said about, er, banning ketchup from the canteen. $tevie also channeled his inner PJ and Duncan [just us? – Fiver Ed] by insisting Villa were not a stepping stone back to Liverpool.
The Pope’s O’Rangers have appointed Giovanni van Bronckhorst as Gerrard’s successor. “I feel so lucky … I cannot wait to meet the club’s incredible supporters again and begin this new era for us all,” cheered the former O’Rangers player.
Britain and Ireland’s 2030 World Cup bid is still in with a chance despite the pwopah nawty scenes around Wembley during the Euro Not 2020 final – according to the sports minister, Nigel Huddleston, anyway.
Jack Rodwell – remember him? – has signed for Western Sydney Wanderers of the A-League Men, and could barely contain his excitement. “With my wife being from western Sydney, the Wanderers was the perfect destination,” Rodwell gushed.
Not every FA comprises supine suits. Denmark’s, for example, has vowed to draw attention to human rights abuses in Qatar – admittedly, while playing in the Human Rights World Cup, but we are where we are.
Reading have agreed a six-point deduction with the EFL, after owners that the EFL apparently deemed suitable custodians of the club breached the EFL’s profit and sustainability rules.
And in the kind of foul-up you might expect to see on the touchline at Fiver FC, Exeter will have to replay their FA Cup tie with Bradford after sending on six substitutes.
RECOMMENDED BOOKING
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STILL WANT MORE?
“Although never a showy writer, Lacey was held in special esteem and affection by peers and rivals who recognised his blend of wit, craftsmanship and knowledge of the game. The quality and integrity of his work allowed him to stand aloof from the frantic chase for a scoop” – Richard Williams pays tribute to the Guardian’s former football correspondent, David Lacey, who has died aged 83.
“I told off our kit man, Mike, for playing too many Hollywood passes last week. He was fuming. We play the Swans way” – the Swansea manager, Russell Martin, gets his chat on with Ben Fisher about the passing approach he employs at the Liberty – and with his five-a-side team.
The Human Rights World Cup is just over a year away – read this series on where workers stand in Qatar and the legacy of abuse that overshadows the tournament.
Treat your ears to some classic football theme tunes in this top 40 rundown.
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