The Fiver | Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Romelu Lukaku and some serious verbals

A FULL AND FRANK DISCUSSION

Football is about marginal gains, those little extras that can make a difference in the heat of the battle and, for some, verbals are seen as being more effective than a balanced diet. But there is a line. Take Tuesday night’s Coppa Italia derby between Inter and Milan, when Zlatan Ibrahmovic faced up to his former Manchester United teammate Romelu Lukaku, repeatedly shouting at the Belgian as tensions grew to “go do your voodoo sh1t, you little donkey” – a niche but surely needless reference to Everton’s majority shareholder Farhad Moshiri claiming the former Toffee turned down a new contract due to a message from the spirits, which in turn prompted Lukaku to threaten legal action.

As The Fiver has always maintained, football is better without fans as it allows us to sit back on the sofa and hear every single cuss, swear and affront, rather than listening to the tedium of songs that do not scan to the tune of Sloop John B. Insults about mothers and wives – an art form we are unfortunately well versed in due to Weird Uncle Fiver – were also exchanged between the strikers, leading to a Benny Hill-style chase around the pitch. Neither Lukaku nor Ibrahimovic were happy with keeping the TV audience entertained with mere verbals, instead deciding to go forehead-to-forehead, resulting in a yellow card each for our intrepid heroes. A second for the Swede followed later, before Lukaku and Christian Eriksen nabbed a 97th minute-winner, leaving Ibrahimovic’s opener a footnote, much to his ego’s chagrin.

Ibrahimovic later countered claims that his voodoo verbiage was racially motivated, using his experience of creating the third person to post on assorted social media disgraces: “In Zlatan’s world there is no place for racism. We are all the same race – we are all equal! We are all players some better then [sic] others.” Once the dust settled on Inter’s triumph, it was left to Milan boss Stefano Pioli to crow: “[Ibrahimovic] apologised like the great champion he is. He got a bit caught up in the desire to help the team.” The Fiver also knows how to apologise like a champion, as our lawyers will testify, usually after falling victim to a different kind of spirit.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

“I had to ask [Nathan] Ashmore to go down to feign [knack] to ensure we can get some information into the group. After that I felt there was a slight sea-change and I felt the game swayed slightly more in our favour in the first half” – Boreham Wood manager Luke Garrard gives himself a post-match pat on the back for getting his goalkeeper to che@t in the 0-0 National League draw with Chesterfield.

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FIVER LETTERS

“Re: ‘Mr Roman’s scuffed sacking shoe’ (Monday’s Fiver). Is it not more likely to be a buffed, highly-polished sacking shoe, on account of the well-upholstered managerial backsides it has engaged with, over the years?” – Desmond O’Byrne.

“I don’t think many people were going to buy the Barcelona clásico shirt (yesterday’s Corporate News of the Day), but I was. However, it is available for delivery only in EU countries, so not the UK. Welcome to Brexit” – Inma Pedregosa.

Send your letters to the.boss@ .com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day prize is … Desmond O’Byrne.

NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Jozef Venglos, the first manager from outside the UK and Ireland to take charge of a club in the English top flight when he joined Aston Villa in 1990, has died aged 84.

Dr Jozef Venglos when he took over at Celtic.
Dr Jozef Venglos when he took over at Celtic. Photograph: Bruce Adams/Daily Mail/Rex/Shutterstock

Around 850 non-league clubs at steps three to six of the National League system will share £10m from the UK government’s Winter Survival Package. It seems like a decent wedge at first, but our primary maths makes that £11,000 each.

Jürgen Klopp believes Frank Lampard will prosper without the impatience of Roman Abramovich and that he has left Thomas Tuchel “a present” at Chelsea. Hopefully it’s not like the one in Palace’s dressing room at Brighton all those years ago.

Manchester City may be top of the Premier League, but how about the Moyesiah? West Ham have only gone and leapt into the Big Cup places. “I’ve sensed for a while that we’re getting better,” he cheered. “But I want to grow steadily. It’s very rare that you can get to this position and stay there.”

There’s nothing to see at Newcastle, no sirreee, after Leeds won 2-1 to extend Steve Bruce’s winless run to 11 games. “I’ve seen enough to know we’ll be fine,” he parped.

Bukayo Saka might only be 19 but he’s already the boss at Arsenal. “He’s got that character within him,” beamed Mikel Arteta after their 3-1 win at Southampton. “We need that leadership.” And he’ll be having a word in Martin Odegaard’s ear now too.

Saka, Saka, Saka. Saka can, Saka can, Saka can, Saka can.
Saka, Saka, Saka. Saka can, Saka can, Saka can, Saka can. Photograph: Frank Augstein/Reuters

Neil Lennon has been flashing his gums again amid this dismal season for the Queen’s Celtic. “I think I’ve had some great support from the board,” he cheered. “I can’t control speculation or fake news, fake stories. That’s the way the world is now.”

And Plymouth boss Ryan Lowe praised the club’s triumph in logistics after ending a 1,716-mile week with a 2-0 victory at Swindon. “We’ve had to work our socks off to get people organised and get people in the right places and go at the right times and hotels, and food and everything,” he vroomed.

STILL WANT MORE?

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Straight into action for Tommy T.
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source: theguardian.com