Names: Kate Washington and Genki Kondo
Years together: eight
Occupations: educator and park ranger
It was obvious to everyone but them. When Kate Washington and Genki Kondo finally told friends and family they were a couple,“None of them were even as excited as we were … they were like ‘oh yeah of course,”’ says Genki.
In the 12 years before they got together, the pair were flatmates, poured their hearts out to each other in long letters when they were apart, and considered each other family. Genki would even refer to Kate as his sister sometimes. “But everybody would just roll their eyes and be like, ‘Yeah, sure she is your sister.’”
The South Australian couple met at university in Montreal in 2001. They were from different cultures – Genki is half Japanese, half Kenyan, while Kate was born in Canada, with an Australian father, and grew up in Europe. Both did environmental studies and had a mutual friend – Kate’s then-boyfriend. At the end of their first year of university, that boyfriend suggested the pair move in together. “He was like, ‘That’s great. I can go see my best friend and my girlfriend all at the same time’,” Kate remembers.
They shared a tiny apartment, with thin walls and broken heating. They were good together: studying, partying and staying up late talking. When they were apart, they missed each other, although Genki would often spend time with Kate’s family during the holidays, when his own family was so far away.
They learned to respect each other’s differences, even their levels of “mess tolerance”. Says Genki: “I was the messy one … but she was really gracious in understanding … showing gratitude when I did make … my version of an effort.”
That serves them well these days. Kate laughs when she hears other couples complaining about their partner’s mess: “We worked out that way of communicating with each other about living together as friends, when you could say, ‘Get fucked, you’re really annoying me, can you just clean the toilet?’ You could say that as friends … it wasn’t this deep seated, emotional, ‘You don’t respect me because you won’t clean the bathroom.’”
They had other relationships during that time, even though they experienced “little snippets” of feelings for each other. But the timing was always off. Genki felt it keenly, writing letters to Kate that he never delivered. When they’d snuggle up on the couch together to watch TV at night he had to hold back: “[It] was a bit heartbreaking for me because I was a bit of a lovesick puppy some of those times,” he admits.
They kept it platonic. When Kate had a breakup, Genki was her “heartbreak counsellor”, keeping her stocked up with her favourite mango gelato. It was enough. More recently, they agreed anything else would have been disastrous for their friendship. “It wasn’t worth the risk of losing the friendship to then pursue something that I felt really ill-equipped at,” says Kate. “And my history had shown me that I wasn’t very good at relationships, I’d say because I kept going through them. Whereas in the back of my head, it was always going to be Genki. I just had no idea how or when.”
In their final year of university, Kate moved out. Genki was partying while she needed to study. Their relationship shifted. “It caused us to realise, ‘OK, we’re going to be friends, but we need to start living a separate life,’” says Genki.
After university, they both went travelling: Kate to Europe and then Australia, while Genki explored Canada and then Central America. They’d write to each other, care of family members, sharing their experiences, thoughts and feelings.
While Kate was settled in Australia, Genki travelled to Japan. She remembers thinking he was close and it was their moment. She wrote to him saying: “‘I’m ready. Let’s do this. I want to be with you.’ And I remember getting a letter back, which was essentially, ‘Too late, love.’” Genki had waited years to hear those words, but by then he was with someone else.
They continued to be long distance friends, although the letters dropped off a bit. Kate caught up with him in Canada in 2011 – then Genki planned to visit Australia on a working holiday visa to help Kate and her then-partner set up a farm.
By the time he arrived in Port Willunga, Kate and her partner had broken up, so Genki moved in. Although they’d both grown in their time apart, they were still close, and the old roommates would once again stay up late, putting the world to rights.
When an opportunity to assist on an environmental research trip on the Eyre Peninsula came up, they jumped at it. They camped out in the bush, collecting plant and animal data during the day, and sharing a tent at night. When the trip was cut short, they drove to the Flinders Ranges to climb St Mary’s Peak. That night, they set up camp on the mountain’s saddle, watched the sun set and the stars come out, then Genki finally kissed Kate. “Took 12 years just to get the first kiss,” he says, “[but] that setting was just so beautiful. I figured, ‘OK, if I’m going to try and fall flat on my face, might as well be here’.”
After everything, they were excited and passionate about being together, but decided Genki should finish his travels around Australia for a few months. When he returned, they tackled the issue of Genki’s visa, which was due to expire. They didn’t want to get married just for the sake of it, so applied as a defacto couple, deluging the department with 12 years worth of letters and photos.
They were in limbo for about a year, but during that time, they decided to get married. They were on a camping trip in the NT, swimming under a waterfall when Genki proposed. Initially Kate laughed but when she realised he was serious, she agreed. On their return to Darwin, an email approving Genki’s visa was waiting for them. “It was just another symbol or sign that we chose our own path and we got supported along the way anyway,” he says now.
They were married at home in their own informal ceremony. “I was wearing my mom’s old wedding dress refitted. Genki was in a kimono that his uncle had brought from Japan and had taught him how to wear that morning. And Genki picked my flowers … from the garden as I was getting ready. It was just so beautiful. And the whole thing was being created by the people around us and by each other.”
Marriage didn’t change much – that is until their daughter Nuala arrived a few years later. Kate had an idyllic pregnancy but the demands of a newborn were intense. “All of a sudden, I felt like I couldn’t do anything,” she says, remembering how she’d get up in the morning with a simple plan for the day and go to bed at night feeling defeated. “She just needed so much from me and I’ve got a lot to give but I was struggling,” she says. “Genki was working in a really physically demanding job and he’d come back after … working flat chat outside in the heat, and then I’d be sitting there with the baby and just being like ‘just take her.’”
They had different ways of coping, but with little sleep and constant demands, their relationship became strained. It shook Kate up: “I wasn’t expecting to resent my husband and not just my husband, but like my lover and my best friend and my partner in this universe.”
She went to see a psychologist. Although she was reluctant to label it as postnatal depression, therapy helped. “It got me really thinking about how, as a society, we just focus way too much on the nuclear family and we’ve lost all of our resources,” she says. She undervalued her role as a parent: “I was worried about not being able to do the laundry or the dishes, when actually what I was doing, looking after her, it was so essential and so important.”
Eventually things settled, and these days Nuala sleeps like a teenager, the couple say. Where once they stayed up all night solving the world’s problems, now the besotted couple geek out talking and watching videos of her after she’s in bed. They’ve also got some of their time back: “We had time to just be adults who happened to have a child rather than always being parents. So we’re undeniably parents, but that isn’t the culmination of our story,” Kate says.
Through everything, one thing kept them going: “Cuddles help,” says Genki. “Ever since we were friends, even after we’ve had a conflict. And I literally mean cuddles, not even a kiss or some passion … We can take sanctuary in each other when we’re going to bed.”
Nature helps too. “Camping, going out bush just resets everything,” says Kate. “We’re not necessarily talking but once we’re out there and it’s just having the basics around you … It just gives that space between thought and reaction.”
And says Kate, agreeing to disagree works too: “Being comfortable with being uncomfortable. And not forcing the solution.”
“We’ve known each other through so many changes,” says Genki. “So in some ways, when we first got romantically involved, we had the head start … So we had the concession and the maturity that an older couple would have, and sort of the acceptance that you will change. I already know that you’ve changed. So I expect you to change. So if you change as my wife or my lover or the mother of my child, I’m not going to take it personally. I expect it.”
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