My husband was not sexually experienced when we met. He was not a virgin but hadn’t had a long-term relationship to learn the art of intimacy. He was self-conscious about this and I told him that we had the rest of our lives to figure it out. I’ve tried showing him what I like in books, films, articles, and with toys. I’m not asking a lot, but it seems that the second he’s in the act, everything we have discussed is forgotten. I usually get frustrated, so I take the reins to end the interaction as quickly as I can.
He climaxes then rolls over and goes to sleep leaving me upset and unsatisfied. I now actively avoid sex with my husband. I have the sexual desire and masturbate two to three times a week to get a release. I wish I didn’t have to. I feel guilty that I am the only one allowed to be intimate with him and am not fulfilling my duty as a wife and a sex partner. I love my husband with all my heart. All other aspects of our life together are wonderful. His pride means he refuses therapy. Even talking about this is insulting to him. But, after 12 years, I don’t know what else to do. Do you have any advice?
Do not withdraw. Reconnect with him. This situation will not improve without some renewed effort to engage him in pleasing you. There is nothing wrong with “taking the reins”, in fact, that may be the best way to educate him. Books and movies provide generalised erotic ideas but cannot easily be put into practice, so most partners will require very specific instructions. Every woman is unique in her sexual desires, and you deserve to have your needs met. But it is going to take explicit, detailed instructions in incremental stages, so be patient, make it fun and erotic, and reward him when he gets it right.
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Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
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