1
Your first problem: recruitment. Your phone’s already ringing off the hook with agents trying to sell you their players. So do you go on a big summer spending spree to try to bridge the gulf in quality? Or keep the faith with the core of the squad who got you promoted? Spending spree: go to 2; Keep the faith: go to 3.
2
Flush with your first batch of broadcast money, you decide your best hope of competing is to invest. But how? Are you prepared to pay a premium for proven English talent, or will scour the world for bargains and risk the inevitable uncertainty of adapting to a new league? Buy British: go to 6; Buy foreign: go to 7.
3
Prioritising team spirit and cohesion, you decide to give your existing squad a chance to prove themselves at a higher level. But against the best clubs in the country, you’ll need a plan. Are you going to play sophisticated, risk-taking attacking football? Or sit deep, keep a rigid shape and try to steal 1-0 wins? Go on the attack: go to 4; Keep things tight: go to 5.
4
You make a dream start to the season, earning plaudits for your attractive style of play, briefly topping the table in September. But gradually the lack of depth and experience begins to tell. Defensive frailties creep in. A 9-1 drubbing by Manchester City brings you to crisis point. Will you seek reinforcements in the January window? Or hold your nerve? New signings: go to 14; Hold your nerve: go to 9
5
Your no-nonsense style wins few admirers. “More like a wrestling team,” is Jürgen Klopp’s churlish verdict, after a bitter 1-0 defeat in which your centre-half pulls out a lock of Mo Salah’s hair. It might not be pretty, but it works: you survive your first season comfortably. Now for season two. Will you try to evolve into a more technical team? Or plough on with what works? Develop your style: go to 15; Plough on: go to 16.
6
Plumping for a domestic recruitment strategy, you stuff your squad with £100m of Arsenal fringe players and a former star defender looking for one last big payday. But with no real philosophy, results go downhill fast. By February you’re bottom, and looking for a new manager. Do you promote the youth-team coach? Or go for a relative unknown who reached the Europa League quarter-finals with Besiktas? Foreign unknown: go to 11; Promote from within: go to 12.
7
With the help of your super-agent contacts around Europe, you assemble a cosmopolitan, star-studded squad including two former Champions League winners. The fans are elated. There’s talk of a cheeky tilt at Europe. But four games in, it’s all gone wrong. The new signings don’t look bothered. The old pros are jealous of their huge wages. What to do? Sack the manager: go to 10; What? After four games?: go to 8.
8
You publicly back your manager, fully committing to his vision and playing philosophy. And slowly, with everyone finally pulling in the same direction, your all-star squad begins to power you up the table. Remarkably, you finish seventh in your first season, earning you an unlikely European place. Big clubs are beginning to sniff around your squad. The future looks bright. Go to 14
9
Realising that a big January spree offers more risks than rewards, you decide to stick with what you’ve got. Although you win plenty of admirers for the way your club is run and the football you play, you’re also being hopelessly outclassed every week. You can’t stop scoring own goals. You’re tired of losing. RELEGATION comes in mid-April. And deep down, you’re actually quite relieved.
10
Your decision is roundly condemned by the League Managers’ Association, who decry the Premier League’s ridiculous “sacking culture”. And while there’s an immediate uptick in results, the new-manager bounce is only temporary. With eight games left, you’re forced into another change. Do you appoint the former club legend and all-round good egg? Or some trendy hipster type who’s worked wonders on a shoestring in La Liga? Legend: go to 12. La Liga: go to 13.
11
To the fury of the now-diverse but still painfully banterific Soccer Saturday panel, the new coach oversees a slight improvement, but not enough to save you from RELEGATION. Nonetheless, he will curiously keep getting hired by ever more prestigious clubs, moving to West Ham, then Valencia, then a lucrative stint at Jiangsu Suning, from where he will inexplicably get the Real Madrid job.
12
The appointment of a new manager who “just gets the club” is warmly received by fans. No more egos: it’s back to basics and old-fashioned hard work. Unfortunately, you still have a massive wage bill and 18 points from 28 games, and no amount of Club DNA is going to change that. RELEGATION is inevitable, followed by a painful ADMINISTRATION in which the club mascot is repossessed by bailiffs.
13
Remarkably, your trigger-happy approach works for longer than people expect. A constant churn of players and managers keeps everyone on their toes, and while it all feels a bit chaotic, and nobody’s ever quite sure who actually owns your players, you manage to embed yourself in mid-table and even enjoy the odd cup run. Well done. Go to 14.
14
After three or four seasons of relative mid-table comfort, you’re frequently described as “a model club”, and are ready to move to the next level. Unfortunately, the vultures are already circling. Manchester United pick off your two best players. Tottenham poach your manager. You try to replace them, but despite the sky-high expectation levels, something doesn’t feel right. The following season begins badly. What do you do? Start making changes: go to 15. Stick to the plan: go to 16
15
The end is undignified: years of patient progress undone in a few short months. Managers come and go. Bored La Masia graduates swan in and out. The atmosphere feels toxic. And above all, it feels like you’ve mislaid what made you so good in the first place. Meanwhile, a late-season training break to Dubai ends in farce when five of your squad get drunk and steal a camel. RELEGATION.
16
You stay true to your principles, and resist pressing the panic button. But over time, the strain of constantly defying gravity begins to tell. The goals dry up. Morale hits at rock bottom. Other clubs feel fresher, more interesting, more relevant. One day, you’ll be able to reflect on the incredible journey you’ve taken, from the depths of the Football League to the big time. For now, though, RELEGATION awaits.