ELLAND BACK
When Don Revie’s team were promoted from the old Second Division back in 1964, the FA took it upon itself to publish a table of the worst disciplinary records in the country. Who topped the list? You know damn fine well who topped the list. The Fiver didn’t make up Dirty Leeds, you know, don’t blame us. To be completely fair, they hadn’t had anyone at all sent off that season, the FA had massaged the figures by lumping in the record of their ill-disciplined junior team, and the only senior player at any point punished for acting up was Billy Bremner, which let’s face it should be taken as a given. But mud sticks and here we all are.
Times change, though, and by comparison Marcelo Bielsa’s side are a right bunch of dandies in big shirts. Real fancy. The sort of preening aesthetes that would make Oscar Wilde and James McNeill Whistler look like Big Jack and Norman Hunter. They’ve only racked up 312 disciplinary points this season, a figure that doesn’t really mean anything now we come to think of it, but does put them seventh best out of 24. So that’s good, isn’t it? And their thoroughly modern, non-combative, laissez-faire, hands-off style was very much on display on Thursday at Elland Road when they didn’t bother competing at all with Barnsley, failing dismally to lay a glove on the Championship’s bottom side yet somehow making off with the three points. In a parallel universe somewhere, Barnsley won 13-0. And you thought Crystal Palace were a bit unfortunate against Manchester United.
But it’s all about results at this time of the season, and their thoroughly uninspiring 1-0 win has put Dirty Leeds – again, for the record, not our fault – on the brink of a return to the Premier League. They now need just one point from their final two games against fellow 1970s tribute act Derby County and Charlton, and might not even require that, should West Bromwich Albion fail to win at Huddersfield on Friday evening or Brentford drop points at Stoke on Saturday. “Until the situation is mathematically resolved, we cannot talk about promotion,” says Bielsa, scrupulously refusing to tempt fate in a way that would have made the notoriously superstitious Revie proud. The Fiver has no need of a lucky suit, though, and we’re absolutely sure that the 16-year exile is effectively over. Next up, if the history books from the Sixties are any guide, a title challenge. It’s either that or a bench-emptying 30-man brawl. The former is more likely than the latter, a sad indictment of contemporary mores.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Ben Fisher from 5.30pm BST for hot MBM coverage of Huddersfield 0-0 West Brom, before Scott Murray guides you through West Ham 0-0 Watford at 8pm.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s put us more on the map than we were already. I didn’t realise there were so many Stephen King fans going about” – Buckie Thistle’s director of football, Graeme Tallis, on news that the author has referenced the team in his latest work, If It Bleeds.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Football Weekly Extra is right here, while here’s the second part of our Forgotten Stories of Football podcast on Dundee United’s glory years under Jim McLean.
Forgotten Stories of Football
RECOMMENDED BUYING
David Squires on … the life and times of Jack Charlton, plus this classic Gerry Cranham print.
FIVER LETTERS
“Mention of brainy footballer Steve Coppell (yesterday’s Fiver letters) got me reminiscing of playing against him twice at Liverpool University in 1974-75 when he captained ‘ComEcon’ and I was captain of ‘LawSoc’. On the first occasion he was still on Tranmere’s books. It didn’t take us long to work out who was the professional as he rifled in four goals from distance in the first half. Having been previously unbeaten, it was gutting for us to lose 6-0. We got our revenge on the return fixture however, as by that time Coppell had signed for Manchester United and was presumably banned from playing as an outfield player. Instead he was in goal, and since he stood at 5ft 7in, this wasn’t a very clever decision. We won 2-0” – John Myles.
“On the topic of academically minded footballers, my personal favourite is Arjan de Zeeuw. No mere bachelors degree here, but a doctorate in medical science, a career as a forensic detective and nowadays CSI-ing it around the mean streets of Alkmaar (in a rather fetching cardy). Cue massive power chord from Pete Townsend” – Derek McGee.
“With reference to Nick Kinsella’s suggestion of a transfer deadline day-inspired metal band (yesterday’s letters), having recently been reminded of the infamous Darren Bent Twitter rant it struck me that it would fit well to the tune of Chop Suey by System of a Down. I’d get out more but I’m waiting on a delivery of masks” – Ed Taylor.
“I had a feeling that Barcelona’s run of La Liga titles would end, Osasuna or later” – Peter Oh.
“Well done to Philip Cocu for a successful first year in English football and by not putting the Derby faithful through the gut wrenching pain of yet another play-off disappointment. With three games to go and just three points outside the ‘zone of misguided optimism’ he managed to pull things back just in the nick of time. Bravo. It’s this kind of community-led spirit that will endear him to the city and its worldwide fanbase” – John Szparaga.
Send your letters to [email protected]. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … John Myles.
BITS AND BOBS
Fans could return to grounds in England on 1 October amid the latest unicorn proclamations from the prime minister.
As teed up on Thursday, Real Madrid winning La Liga has properly set the funk off at Barça, starting with Leo Messi going into Roy-Keane-with-tooth-abscess mode. “We are a weak team who can be beaten with enough intensity and enthusiasm,” he fumed. “We have lost a lot of points which we shouldn’t have done [and] been very inconsistent. We need to be self-critical, starting with the players but also across the entire club. We are Barcelona, and we are obliged to win every game.”
Jude Bellingham will become the latest youngster heading to the Borussia Dortmund finishing school, after a fee of £22.75m was agreed with Birmingham.
Andre Schürrle has hung up his boots aged 29. “The depths became deeper and the highlights less and less,” wailed the former Chelsea and Fulham forward.
It’s not quite his famous Manchester United critique, but David Moyes is less than chuffed with West Ham’s season.
And substitute Trent Buhagiar scored a late double to give flamin’ champions Sydney FC a 3-1 win over Wellington Phoenix after the A-League’s four-month hiatus.
STILL WANT MORE?
Real Madrid are campeones again. Sid Lowe details how Zinedine Zidane revived his ageing crop of stars.
What’s in a number? Anthony Martial has thrived in Manchester United’s No 9 shirt this season, writes Ed Aarons.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!