STATEMENT BATON: ROUGE?
The Fiver would like to offer its warmest congratulations to Manchester City, winners of the 2020-21 Premier League if we’re reading the current mood in the room correctly. It’s a most dramatic development, given neighbours United had all but been awarded the title two days ago when everyone was yammering on about their statement victory at Brighton. However on Thursday night City put in a bravura flag-planting performance of their own, strolling their way through, around and over a contemporary dance collective from Merseyside who were, in a live world exclusive, showcasing their brand-new interpretive dance routine about a yawn.
Still, Liverpool’s week-long reign as undisputed champions, as per junior-school playground rules, was good while it lasted. And having tasted Premier League success, they’ll be wanting some more of that sweet, sweet nectar. They’ll have to play better than they did on Thursday, of course, else they end next season rock bottom with no points and a goal difference of minus 152, becoming the first reigning champions to go down since City, under their previous Keystone Studios ownership, managed it in 1938. But that sort of capitulation isn’t very likely, is it? You only have to consider the way Jürgen Klopp stared at Geoff Shreeves, while breathing slowly through his nose in the simmering style, to realise that won’t be an option for the lads going forward.
So with this in mind, Liverpool will be hoping to wrest the Statement Baton back from City on Sunday, when they welcome Aston Villa to Anfield. On the face of it, the 2019-2020 champs should be no match for relegation-threatened Villa, who at times have plumbed Sherwoodian depths this season. But Villa have a reasonable record at Liverpool, winning two and drawing two of their last five visits, and boss Dean Smith is in bullish mood. “They will be a little bit sore from getting beat 4-0, but we have a chance. We made them work really hard at Villa Park and were three minutes away from getting the victory ourselves.” At which point they fell to bits like wet cake, of course, but you get the general gist.
Should Villa make a point of their own in their battle against the drop, thus denying Klopp the opportunity to wave around the Statement Baton like Stevie Nicks in the video for Tusk, the post-match interviews will be interesting. The Fiver advises Geoff Shreeves to wear a suit of armour to work that day, just in case he phrases another question incorrectly.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I want to finish the last year of fifth grade, considering how my parents have been breaking my b@lls for 30 years” – Gigi Buffon says he will be going back to high school when he retires. Now if ever there was a documentary series that would be worth watching …
FIVER LETTERS
“Not sure if it’s me but next year Everton appear to be sponsored by Vince Clarke and Alison Moyet (now, there’s a reference for younger readers)” – Noble Francis.
“It’s moments like this that I realise that the mid 90s weren’t a couple of years ago, and my football knowledge may be seated mainly in the past, but to put Peter Oh’s mind at rest (Thursday’s letters), any footballer worth his salt from about the mid-90s onwards (for at least 10 years) yearned to have that piece of elastic holding down the tongue. Özil’s nod to 98 should be praised and not questioned. Don’t @ me” –J Moseley.
“Can I be the first of 1,057 people to direct Darren Leathley’s attention skywards, towards the cultural reference that flew way over his head? Presumably his preferred Greasy Chip Butty involves triple-cooked, hand-cut chips and sourdough bread” – Ed Taylor (and 1,056 others).
“How funny that you should link Neil Harris and Frank Lampard’s Chelsea’s Frank Lampard concluding that Harris ‘didn’t go to the right school as a player’. They both went to the same school, Brentwood, and were just one year apart but will have played in the same school team together as FLC’s FL was in the first team from the age of 13” – Jack Mignall (and 1,056 others).
“Re: ‘We can’t get Championship games on the TV here in Jacinda’s blessed shining isles’ (Thursday’s letters). Yes we bloody can! Sky Sports 7 (not Murdoch owned, don’t worry, we have standards) if Christopher wants to give me a shout we can line him up for when the inevitable happens at West Ham” – Andy, also in New Zealand.
Send your letters to [email protected]. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Noble Francis.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Leroy Sané has made his move to Bayern Munich official, signing a five-year contract. The winger will take the No 10 shirt from the on-loan Philippe Coutinho, who is set to amble back to Barcelona. “I want to win as many trophies as possible with Bayern, and the [Big Cup] is the top priority,” Sané cackled.
Taxpayers FC are not expecting further action from Fifa despite Eintracht Frankfurt making a complaint about the late payment of a £5.4m slice of Sébastien Haller’s transfer fee.
Phil Foden for England? Pep Guardiola certainly reckons so. “I think that Gareth Southgate has an incredible talent in his hands for the national team,” he Pepped. “ I have trained incredible, incredible players and Phil will be one of them.”
Jürgen is still feeling fresh and funky after that defeat and insists he won’t just throw in the kids for the remainder of the season. “I don’t think these kind of questions will be asked to Frank Lampard and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer,” he growled. “We don’t give Premier League games as Christmas presents. We cannot do that.”
Daniel Farke has said he turned down bigger clubs to try and keep Norwich in the Premier League. “If I’m honest, it’s not a secret that I turned several offers down and I could have made my life easier with more money,” Farke sighed. “But my feeling was it was totally the right decision, because I have too much love for this club.”
And with his own future in doubt at West Ham David Moyes has pointed out that you can teach an old managerial dog new tricks – and Bernard Cribbins’s fine work at Newcastle is evidence of that. “[Cribbins] has done an incredible job and anyone who doubted him has been proven wrong,” cheered Moyes.
STILL WANT MORE?
Their home city of Bergamo having suffered a similar coronavirus death toll to London, Atalanta continue to delight amid such trauma. Nicky Bandini on Serie A’s most thrilling team.
Jamal Musiala is the latest Bayern Munich wunderkind, with the potential to be the cherry on the icing on the Dr Oetker’s, but he is also an England youth international and former Chelsea player. Here’s Ed Aarons with a handy profile.
Guard of honour completed, Manchester City played like princes, made Liverpool gasp for air and handed out a thrillingly fluent, thrillingly pointless 4-0 thrashing, writes Barney Ronay.
Can Ole Gunnar Solskjær sustain his latest Manchester United revival, asks Jamie Jackson.
The brutal, bizarre collapse of Wigan Athletic, as told by David Conn.
Quiz! Quiz! Quiz! Can you match the club to their cardboard cutout fans?
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