The Fiver | No involvement with the continent come the end of March

OVER AND OUT?

In just over a month, this shrivelled sack of an island, this miserable hovel for duped deplorables, this wee jobbie bobbing up and down near the Irish Sea, will leave the EU. But it goes without saying that The Fiver loves this country. Of course! What a glorious nation! And there would be nothing better than seeing our lads do a number on Johnny in Big Cup come May. Yay us! Morris dancing! Malnutrition! Commando magazine! Mark Francois! Do one, industry! OK, if we’re being honest with ourselves, The Fiver’s still not quite over last Thursday. Give us a little time, will you.

Whatever, it looks like where politicians lead, the stars of soccer follow. Because there’s a fair chance most, if not all, of our clubs will have no involvement with the continent either come the end of March. That’s because the Uefa draw this morning has done a right number on us, with champions Liverpool facing a tricky tie in Big Cup’s Round of PSG (Formerly Known as the Round of Arsenal) against Atlético Madrid. Admittedly their fans will get the opportunity to revisit the Wanda Metropolitano, where they won the competition against a Harry Kane Benefit XI back in June, so that’ll be nice. But given Liverpool was one of the few cities that didn’t fall for it, this isn’t much of a reward for remaining nice.

Elsewhere, Tottenham and Humility Man™ are likely to take Bundesliga leaders Leipzig too lightly while Frank Lampard’s Slowly Imploding Chelsea meet Bayern Munich in a replay of the 2012 final, which the Blues won, and that’s where the comparisons will end. But the plum tie pits usual winners Real Madrid against Manchester City, whose fans will continue to disingenuously affect nonchalance towards the competition, although you can be assured that their manager, formerly of Barcelona, will be a little bit more engaged than that. The Fiver is already looking forward to witnessing the spectacular jets of steam coming out of Pep’s lugs when City go two down after 15 minutes of the first tie, and the glazed expression on his face when the third flies in on the half hour. We wouldn’t be hoping for such dreadful things if City supporters actually cared, of course. We’re just responding to the will of the people, that’s what The Fiver’s all about.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

“This pitch shouldn’t be part of our league. Our league deserves better standards and I think Liverpool Football Club – champions of Europe – should provide their women’s team with significantly more than they’re doing. I think the quality of that pitch – the worst in the league – is a stain on their football club” – Chelsea boss Emma Hayes was feeling fresh and funky over the state of the turf at Prenton Park after her club’s 1-1 draw with the struggling Reds.

Prenton Park



Prenton Park, the state of. Photograph: Richard Sellers/PA

FIVER LETTERS

“So Big Cup has paired Jürgen “B0llocks” Klopp against Diego “Cojones” Simeone. Sounds like a complete b@lls of a draw to me” – Mark McFadden.

“I know what Steve Branch is talking about with his cheap subscription to Optus Sport because I have one. I should point out to readers that Optus has succeeded where The Fiver has failed in its STOP FOOTBALL campaign. All live broadcasts run for only a maximum of 11 seconds before the frame freezes, thus stopping football! Minutes later, football starts again for 11 seconds before succumbing to STOP FOOTBALL and it will repeat and repeat until I scream and throw my shoe at the television and then switch off. The only consolation is that, the day after, I am able to watch Mini Matches (20 minutes duration) showing the high- and low-lights all in glorious standard (fuzzy) definition. I suppose that’s what one gets for getting the Premier League and Big Cup on the cheap” – Richard Fernandez.

“So we have discovered a new Fiver relative, cousin Fiver Responsibly. Are there any more genealogical surprises lurking in the background? I think I may have found another but like so many other aspects of the Fiver it seems to promise more than it might deliver” – Stephen Hodgson.

Fiver



Other forms of satisfaction are available. Photograph: Stephen Hodgson

Send your letters to [email protected]. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Stephen Hodgson, who bags a copy of Tackled. We’ve still got more prizes to give away, so get scribbling.

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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Piping-hot Big Vase last-32 draw, right here folks!

Nearly three weeks after sacking Unai Emery, Arsenal have decided that they should probably step up their manager search. Club suits were seen shuffling out of Mikel Arteta’s pad on Monday morning.

Everton scouts are yet to determine where Carlo Ancelotti lives, but they have sent a hastily-worded email to his Mr 15% asking for a meeting.

Click here for a picture that looks like it could launch Manuel Pellegrini’s bid for the next USA! USA!! USA!!! presidential elections.

Magnus Carlsen, chess grandmaster, is currently ranked No 1 in the official fantasy football standings, but could be overhauled on Monday by second-placed Nick Tanner, the former Liverpool defender, with his team “winorloseonthebooze”.

A Spanish second division match was abandoned at half-time on Sunday after Albacete forward Roman Zozulya was subjected to offensive chanting from Rayo Vallecano supporters, who accused him of being a Nazi.

Completely normal behaviour in China.

And Ole Gunnar Solskjær admitted Manchester United lacked the “ideas” required to beat Big Dunc’s Toffees, momentarily forgetting that he was the person that was paid to provide them.

STILL WANT MORE?

One of the English Big Cup representatives will not be with us by the time the quarter-finals rolls around – that’s your tie-by-tie clickbait from floating-football-brain-in-a-jar Jonathan Wilson.

Thibaut Courtois did a save and then ran ran ran to do a goal-spawning header at the other end. Now Valencia are sad. Sid Lowe has 1,300 words on a 1-1 La Liga thriller.

Thibaut Courtois



Come on, you love to see it. Photograph: Alberto Saiz/AP

Memphis Depay’s knee-knack spells further bad things for a tailspinning Lyon side, collaba-toot Adam White and Eric Devin.

A cautionary tale to Everton – Gennaro Gattuso has to pick up the post-Ancelotti pieces to conduct one heck of a rebuild job at Napoli, tuts Nicky Bandini.

Andy Brassell on Köln’s Markus Gisdol rolling the dice to see his club’s kids kickstart a Bundesliga survival bid with a derby win over Bayer Leverkusen.

Colchester forward Luke Norris baits his hook before his side face Manchester United on Wednesday: “There’s one fish I’m after and I think if I get that fish I’ll move on,” he double-meanparps to Simon Burnton.

Craven Arsenal abandon Mesut Özil over his stance on China’s Uighur persecution, says Sean Ingle.

Vivianne Miedema is dead good and FOUR more talking points from the WSL action.

Newcastle look shot-shy and NINE more talking points from the Premier League.

Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!

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Football and the election: it’s the latest David Squires cartoon. We lost it at Gordon the Gopher. And you can buy a copy right here.

source: theguardian.com