The Fiver | A phonecall from Vorsprung durch Tin und Lederhosen Fünfer

BAY WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY

The Fiver’s German cousin, Vorsprung durch Tin und Lederhosen Fünfer, was on the blower this weekend, reader, and what a giddy mood he was in! At first, we assumed he’d been on the WeissTin again, because he was just making noises, but then he stopped speaking German and explained that Bayern Munich had given their manager Niko Kovac a kick up die hintern and marched him out of the door marked Do One. And according to Fünfer, all this means that for the first time in yonks the Bundesliga title race may resemble something more than a season-long Lewis Hamilton victory lap. Bayern’s 5-1 shellacking at Eintracht Frankfurt on Saturday left last season’s double winners languishing … um … four points off the top with a dire record of … um … 10 wins, three draws, and three losses in all competitions. To add to their shame, they are only five points clear at the top of their Big Cup group, too! Manchester City, Barcelona and Real Madrid all have similar records this season but none of them have hoofed their managers yet, have they?

“The performances of our team in recent weeks and the results have shown us that there was a need for action,” blabbed chief suit Karl-Heinz Rummenigge, while triple-bolting the Allianz Arena exit door behind him. Kovac must have been fuming. “I think this is the right decision for the club at this point in time.” Ah. Perhaps not. Which makes The Fiver believe that not only do we know nothing about human feelings but we also know nothing about just how intensely the humourless Bavarians hate their team being laughed at. It’s hypocritical really, considering they have made ridiculing their players an annual tradition by dressing them like garden gnomes, giving them oversized tankards of Tin and making them pose for Oktoberfest photographs.

The Fiver can’t help but think that the timing of the decision may have had as much to do with the club’s super chief suit Uli Hoeness’s upcoming departure on 15 November as it does with the quality of Bayern’s football. Hoeness, who has never been one to keep his trap shut when headlines can be made, said only two days ago that decisions taken at the club were “always about FC Bayern and not individuals”. Unless that individual is him, which may explain why he tapped into his inner Jack Nicholson, grabbed his axe, and decided to go out swinging. Hoeness now has just enough time to have a say in who replaces Kovac and the chatter on Monday was that there are four leading names: Max Allegri, Ralf Rangnick, Erik ten Hag and, wait for it, Arsène Wenger!

Yes, sorry José, Wenger’s ability to speak German has made him a very real contender for the Bundesliga’s biggest job. In 2017, Wenger’s Arsenal were on the end of two 5-1 thrashings by Bayern Munich in the space of a fortnight. He knows all about turning an ailing mega-club around after being humbled by such a scoreline doesn’t he? Oh.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“The ‘people’ of this curva who made the monkey chants. Shame on you, shame on you, shame on you. In front of your children, wives, relatives, parents, friends and acquaintances… shame” – Mario Balotelli posts a message online after being abused with monkey chants during Brescia’s defeat against Verona. You can read Nicky Bandini’s thoughts on another dark day in Serie A right here.

Mario Balotelli looks to the Verona fans after booting the match ball into the stands in frustration.



Mario Balotelli looks to the Verona fans after booting the match ball into the stands in frustration. Photograph: Filippo Venezia/EPA

RECOMMENDED LISTENING

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RECOMMENDED ATTENDING

Tickets are now available to see Barry Glendenning (among others) in a Santa hat at Football Weekly Live Christmas Special, hosted at Indigo at the O2 in London on Wednesday 27 November.

FIVER LETTERS

Niklas Bendtner [Friday’s Fiver] always struck me as briefly diverting if there was nothing else on right at that very moment, but irritating on prolonged exposure, and always mysteriously overrated. It’s like asking a wedding DJ for “something a bit alternative” and getting Love Shack” – Jon Millard.

“I think Oliver Billenness (Friday’s Fiver letters) might have overestimated the amount of readers The Fiver gets etc and so forth …” – Jon Haskoll.

“Would the Fiver be kind enough to give me the names of the four tea-timely emails that I apparently prefer to this “fifth favourite.” [Friday’s Fiver]. I’ve got to launch a few quick subscriptions. And one cancellation” – Mike Wilner.

Send your letters to [email protected]. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Mike Wilner. The man has told us he’s got ‘a haul’ of prizes to give out starting from tomorrow, though, so get your letters in.

NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Everton have confirmed that André Gomes “is expected to make a full recovery” after surgery on his broken ankle “went extremely well”.

Cardiff have been told they face a three-window transfer ban unless they pay the first instalment of the transfer fee for Emiliano Sala to Nantes.

Gareth Barry, 78, has re-joined West Brom on a contract until the end of the season.

Chelsea will be in court on 20 November for their appeal against Fifa’s transfer ban.

Leeds goalkeeper Kiko Casilla has been charged with using abusive language of a racist nature towards Charlton’s Jonathan Leko, something that the Spaniard “strenuously denies”.

Jürgen Klopp has said that Sadio Mané is “not a diver”, in quotes which Big Website subs have placed under a picture of Sadio Mané doing what seems a lot like a big dive. “Maybe it was not a penalty but there was contact,” grumbled Klopp.

Sadio Mané hits the deck.



Sadio Mané hits the deck. Photograph: Nick Potts/PA

STILL WANT MORE?

Sid Lowe on the Osasuna Film Festival. Sort of.

PSG lost! Adam White and Eric Devin have more.

Sebastian Polter roars into the spotlight in Union Berlin’s derby triumph, writes Andy Brassell.

Ten! Ten! Ten! Ten! Ten! Ten! Ten! Ten (10) Talking Points from the weekend Premier League action.

Paul Wilson on VAR and why it provided at least some entertainment at Goodison Park.

Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!

RECOMMENDED BUYING

Last week’s David Squires cracker is available to buy and you can get your hands on some of his other favourite cartoons at our Print Shop.

source: theguardian.com