Following the appalling travesty of having a goal given against them last weekend, Liverpool have moved quickly to avenge. Ever since Jordon Ibe left for Bournemouth, Anfield has lacked a winger with his precise qualities: name beginning with J; unusual spelling; “on” ending. As such, they will nause up Manchester United by signing Jadon Sancho from Borussia Dortmund.
United, meanwhile, are keen to solve their goalscoring crisis by buying Mario Mandzukic. The 67-year-old striker is not deemed good enough for Juventus’ Champions League squad, but after studying 8,034,612 different options, the club’s scouts have concluded that he is the only one desperate enough to sign for them. “Yet another triumph for Ed Woodward,” Ed Woodward will doubtless recommend is written about Ed Woodward.
Across Manchester, Pep Guardiola is looking for a new midfielder he can force himself to play in defence. A club scout was sent to watch Sandro Tonali, Brescia’s 19-year-old prospect; Paris Saint-Germain were there too, with Inter, Juve and Milan also interested.
Real Madrid, meanwhile, are looking to get shot rather than get in. Brahim Díaz, the 20-year-old midfielder snatched from Manchester City, has been told he can leave, and Isco has also accepted that his time at the Bernabéu is over. Meanwhile, Unai Emery is having so much fun messing Dani Ceballos about that he’d like to do so permanently. Arsenal have offered £26m for the unlucky blighter, but Madrid are holding out for £30m – bounty they will spend on not signing Paul Pogba.
Arsenal are one of five clubs watching Aaron Hickey, Hearts’ tough 17-year-old full-back. Manchester City, Newcastle, Liverpool, Southampton and Norwich love his bite too.
Also shopping in Scotland are Crystal Palace and Aston Villa, who are competing for the signature of Rangers’ Alfredo Morelos. Morelos, for his part, is torn: brilliant though Selhurst’s Tasty Jerk is, and brilliant though Villa Park is, he, like all his teammates, has a soft spot for being publicly blamed every time Steven Gerrard gets his tactics wrong.
Elsewhere, Tottenham would like to buy Carles Aleñá from Barcelona. Mauricio Pochettino wasn’t able to shift Christian Eriksen in the summer window but hopes that by buying his replacement in January, the, er, hirsute playmaker will get the message. Aleñá, meanwhile, has made just one appearance this season and his situation is also being monitored by Real Betis.
For their part, Barcelona have paid Atlético Madrid €15m for first refusal on Saúl Ñíguez and José María Giménez, should they ever fancy hanging about till Lionel Messi does something of a weekend. They have denied reports that the cash was actually sent to resolve a row over the Antoine Griezmann transfer.
Atléti, though, are not sitting still. They – and Juventus – like the look of West Brom’s Nathan Ferguson. The 19-year-old defender, who can play anywhere across the back four but is most comfortable on the right, will presumably be flattered by the news, but may find it hard to forsake the tremendous indoor Indian barbecue served at The Vine pub, just a mile or so’s stagger from the Hawthorns.