9 tips for talking politics (or anything else) with people you disagree with

And it can deepen your personal relationships to have those conversations and come to a better understanding of the people you spend your time with.

“Often times topics like politics and religion get to the core of someone’s identity,” adds Matteo Trevisan, an executive coach and leadership trainer at Fearless Future Coaching. “One could argue that if we don’t talk about these things, then we don’t really know each other.”

Here’s how to disagree with grace

Whether you’re disagreeing with your partner about when you want to have your first child or disagreeing with a friend of a friend you’ve just met at a dinner party about income tax, the skills required to make both of those conversations worthwhile ones are pretty much the same, Weeks says.

“It’s not that the skills are different,” she says. “But the emotional load that the conversations carry is different, and is what makes them feel so different.” (And therefore the costs of those conversations going poorly feels very different, too, she says.)

Here’s how she and others suggest doing it better.

1. Decide if you want to go there

Step one is deciding whether that conversation is even worth having, Weeks says. If it’s an argument with your spouse over whether one of you is going to accept a job offer that will require the family to move, you will need to have that talk. But if it’s a matter of asking a friend why she believes abortion should be banned (and you very much disagree), it’s worth asking yourself first why you want to have that conversation. Do you want to learn why your friend feels the way she does? Do you want to change her mind?

“I don’t have to have a conversation with someone I disagree with to know something about their perspective,” Weeks says. You can read about it or find out about it from someone else. If you’re trying to change that person’s mind, however, the goal of that conversation is not then learning and understanding, Weeks says. “That’s not really a conversation; that’s a lecture.”

Think, too, about how the conversation will be received. Some people love getting into complex discussions, Weeks says. But for some people, some topics just feel like you’re pushing their buttons — which doesn’t necessarily make for pleasant dinner party conversation or coffee klatch. It’s okay to not go there, or when someone else brings up the topic to tell them you don’t want to go there.

2. Ask if you can ask about it

Still not sure if a topic you want to broach is too sensitive of one? “Just ask,” says Georgie Nightingall, a conversation coach and founder of Trigger Conversations, a London-based organization dedicated to teaching people how to have better and more meaningful conversations. “You and your conversation partner can make that decision together.” Simply stating that you know a topic is a challenging one and asking if they prefer avoiding it shows up front that you’re making potentially volatile territory safe and that you care about their perspective.

Note if the other person hesitates or answers in a guarded way, Nightingall says. That may be a reason to move on.

And perk up your ears to emotional intensity, Heitler adds. The tone of someone’s voice and absolutes like “absolutely hate” or “idiot” or “moronic” can usually tip one off that the person you are talking with doesn’t likely want to hear an alternative perspective.

source: nbcnews.com