GALÁCTIC-WOES
Six months ago, Zinedine Zidane strode big-leggy back into town, a modern-day John Wayne returning to save the day. His wasn’t an arrogant strut: the poor man had no option but to walk in a preposterously mannered style because of the fruitbowl-bothering, midlife-crisis kecks he was wearing. The best-left-to-teenagers strides were also the reason he had to leave the Harley Davidson at home. Well you try mounting a hog in a pair of please-tell-me-those-shrunk-in-the-wash-and-you-didn’t-as-a-46-year-old-man-actively-choose-such-a-style tapered breeks! It was all he could do to stand uneasily at the podium, propped up like a half-squeezed tube of toothpaste by the bathroom sink, while promising to bring the glory days back to Real Madrid. So let’s give him a break, eh.
But Zidane doesn’t currently look likely to bring the glory days back to Real Madrid. The long-suffering fans at the Bernabéu haven’t won Big Cup for 481 days now, and patience is understandably wearing thin. Especially in the wake of Wednesday night’s non-performance in Paris, his players stumbling around aimlessly, relying on reputation alone, bloated, unable to get even the most basic handle on continental affairs, bereft of any coherent plan, no thought having gone into anything, a monumentally confused look spread across their complacent faces, a massive Mark Francois-shaped hole in midfield. It’s almost as though over-romanticised memories of the past count for nothing in the modern free-thinking Europe.
To be scrupulously fair, Madrid had several of their big names out, which might have negatively affected their performance in a way Kylian Mbappé and Neymar’s absence for PSG did not. And as bad as the Spanish side were, they still had two goals controversially disallowed, and caused PSG no end of panic during the three (late) second-half minutes in which Karim Benzema was awake. So talk of crisis is relative. Then again, this is Real Madrid, so if Zizou’s men lose to high-flying Sevilla at the weekend, there’s a fair chance the returning hero will be sent skittering back down the road on the seat of those ill-judged pantaloons. His most likely replacement? Thomas Tuchel of PSG. Of course it is.
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Join Simon Burnton and Scott Murray from 5.55pm for hot clockwatch coverage of Big Vase, including, deep breath … Eintracht Frankfurt 2-1 Arsenal, Rennes 3-0 Queen’s Celtic, Manchester United 2-0 Astana, the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers 1-2 Feyenoord and Wolves 1-1 Braga.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We are not scared of anyone with this manager. The vibe here is very good. Because we press high, it doesn’t matter if it’s Chelsea, Liverpool or Wolverhampton, we try to do the same things with the same attitude and the same energy. I think the bravery of this coach is much bigger” – Southampton’s Jan Bednarek gets his chat on with Ben Fisher.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Reading James Grieve’s letter about ringing Jim Jefferies out of the blue (yesterday’s Fiver letters) reminds me of when I found Peter Bonetti’s phone number in the book and rang him up. This was around the time Chelsea beat Dirty Leeds in the replayed FA Cup final. The Cat was perfectly happy to have a chat, but not best pleased when I rang him a second time because my school friend Neil didn’t believe I had actually spoken to him” – Jason Steger.
“Re: Pukki pies. Yes, Robert Smith (yesterday’s letters) wasn’t the only one to think that, but the clever ones, like me, worked out a special-edition reindeer pie can’t be produced until after Christmas” – Alfie Yarmouth.
“This Tumbleweed is better than your tumbleweed (Fiver letters passim). Get it on” – Reece Neale.
Send your letters to [email protected]. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Jason Steger.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Former England and Newcastle forward Peter Beardsley has been suspended from all football-related activity for seven months after being found guilty of making racist comments by an independent regulatory commission.
Former Burton Albion defender Kelvin Maynard has died after a shooting in Amsterdam. The 32-year-old had been playing for non-league side Alphense Boys.
Thousands of migrant workers in Qatar are still being exploited despite repeated promises to improve workers’ rights in the lead-up to the 2022 World Cup, according to a new report by Amnesty International.
Penalty wizard Harry Kane is ruddy well fed up of Spurs not doing the Big Cup biz after Tottenham spurned a 2-0 lead to draw at Olympiakos. “We’re not young any more, we’re not inexperienced,” he huffed. “We’re still making similar mistakes to the ones we were in “[Pochettino’s] first year.” Poch, meanwhile, has his own thoughts.
Manchester City, still very good at playing a group game.
Virgil van Dijk, at fault for Napoli’s second goal in Big Cup, has channelled Bobby McFerrin in analysing Liverpool’s defeat. “There’s no reason for panic,” he whistled.
Mesut Özil, a veteran of 71 minutes this season (and plenty o’rest over the international break), has been, um, rested by Unai Emery for Arsenal’s Big Vase game against Eintracht Frankfurt.
And culture secretary Nicky Morgan has called for equal free-to-air TV coverage for major women’s competitions, like we had during the World Cup.
STILL WANT MORE?
The death of Fernando Ricksen brings both heartbreak and relief, writes Stuart James, who met him earlier this year.
Max Rushden on existential crises and his world of amateur football.
Kieran Trippier is continuing to do bits for Atlético. Sid Lowe catches up with him after the 2-2 draw with Juve.
Floating footballing brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson scolds a decadent, deficient Real Madrid.
Omar Saleem on the rise of Roma’s Nicolò Zaniolo.
Astana sense a “great chance” of an upset after their long, long Big Vase trip to Old Trafford, reports Nick Ames.
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