From Prevention
You know how uncomfortable you start to feel when a coworker hovers over you as she looks at something on your computer screen? Or how you start to back up and scan the room for an exit strategy when a friend of a friend gets too close as he talks to you at a party?
All of us cringe when someone invades our personal space. Heck, it can even feel icky when we watch it happen to someone else. (Case in point: touchy-feely politicians on both sides of the aisle.) But there’s a good reason things get awkward fast when someone busts through that buffer, says Michael Graziano, PhD, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Princeton University and the author of The Spaces Between Us.
“Our unconscious understanding of personal space is not only a fundamental way we protect ourselves,” he says. “It’s also one of the dominant influences on us, shaping our interpersonal behavior and our judgment of others.” Once you understand how it works, you can be more aware of what’s actually happening when someone gets a little too close—and that can help you know how to respond.
Why the Brain Creates a Buffer
There’s a good chance that you think about personal space only when someone gets strangely close and it makes you squirm. Yet there are brain regions that are almost always sizing up the space around you: the parietal cortex (which processes sensory information) and the premotor cortex (which plays a role in generating movements). “These areas of the brain have neurons that fire to let you know if something or someone is getting too close, and you unconsciously respond by squinting, scrunching your shoulders up toward your ears, or moving out of harm’s way,” says Graziano. “I call them ‘bubble wrap’ neurons, and they align your vision, hearing, and sense of touch to build a multisensory map of space
that helps you create a bubble wrap of safety around your body.”
The brain handles the space around us in two ways:
• It notices external landmarks, like the shape of a room or the locations of chairs around a table.
• It figures out where things or people are in relation to your body. For example, you can easily register that your coffee cup is to the right of your elbow, you know how to gauge where your fork is in relation to your mouth as you eat, and you understand when you’re standing next to a stranger versus a friend.
This spatial calculation helps us do simple things, like move through a room without bumping into objects. It also helps us navigate social interactions, such as knowing where to stand with respect to other people at a party. Having this unconscious sense of the space around the body helps us feel safe, says Graziano. And it turns out we crave that margin of safety for others too—in fact, those “bubble wrap” brain neurons also fire when we see someone else’s personal space invaded, he says: “You cringe because you’re simulating what it would be like if it was happening to you—and all the same brain mechanisms are activated.”
This ability to gauge the space around us is very important for survival, says Daphne Holt, MD, PhD, a psychiatrist and an associate professor at Harvard Medical School who studies personal space. Her research shows that the parietal and premotor cortexes become more active when something or someone is moving toward the body than when it’s moving away. “Having an awareness of objects that are near or approaching us, possibly about to hit us or harm us in some way, lets us generate a defensive response, like blocking the object or running away from an impending threat,” she says.
Of course, our survival depends on other things as well. Eating, nurturing and social interactions, and sex are hugely important to our well-being—and we wouldn’t know how to do them if we weren’t able to closely monitor and continuously adjust the amount
of personal space around us.
So How Close Is Too Close?
Though you logically understand that the close talker at a cocktail party isn’t going to sink his teeth into your carotid artery and kill you, your brain still responds as if he might—which is why it creates bubbles around you as safe zones. Research from the 1960s, which scientists agree still holds up, identified four of these, each reserved for different people in your life.
• “Intimate space” is the bubble closest to you, extending up to 18 inches from your body; it’s reserved for family, lovers, and close friends.
• “Personal space” extends between 1 1/2 and 4 feet from the body; you’re likely comfortable with friends and acquaintances entering it.
• “Social space” extends from 4 to 12 feet out; that’s where interactions with new acquaintances and strangers can take place.
• “Public space” is beyond that; anyone can enter without setting off those “bubble wrap” brain neurons.
However, these distances are averages that can vary based on past experiences, culture, personality, and gender. One study found that anxious people tended to need a larger personal space; other research shows the same may be true for those who’ve experienced trauma. In one study, women sitting at a table were more inclined to protect the space next to them, while men were more apt to protect the space in front of them. And people in authority or those who are highly confident tend to have the smallest buffer zones, which may prompt them to get too close without realizing their actions may be cringe-inducing.
“Think of these personal bubbles as having a volume knob,” says Graziano. “When your emotional volume is turned up, your buffer extends farther out. When the volume is lower, it shrinks.”
Guarding Your Personal-Space Bubble
Whether you are cornered at a networking event with someone’s arm around your shoulder or surrounded by strangers on a subway car, there are tactics that can help you feel more comfortable:
Use your body language. You probably already do the instinctual backing up when someone gets too close. Yet you can also try to head off an unwanted breach of your comfort zone before it happens. If it looks as if someone’s coming in for an uncomfortable hug or kiss on the cheek, reach out your hand for a handshake. If you know that a neighbor or a coworker has a tendency to get too close, try to stand where there’s a barrier between you, like a mailbox or an office chair. “Often you can avoid unwanted touch or closeness simply by saying ‘Back off!’ with your body language,” says Jane Adams, PhD, a psychologist and the author of Boundary Issues.
Keep it light. Let’s say you feel awkward when a close-talking colleague doesn’t pick up on your body language. Try saying something about your discomfort with physical touch or closeness, says Tanya Menon, PhD, an organizational psychologist and a professor at Ohio State University. “You might say something like ‘I’m a germaphobe,’ ” she says. “When the personal-space invasion isn’t inappropriate, just uncomfortable, you might want to focus on your personal preferences or upbringing.”
Choose to bear it. If a close encounter feels harmless—not intentional, sexual, or like some kind of power play—doing nothing may be your best bet, says Menon. “Maybe there are cultural differences that explain why someone gets too close,” she says. In those circumstances, you can repeat a silent mantra to help you stay composed during the
awkwardness or remind yourself that the interaction will be short-lived.
Tap into your imagination. Feeling crowded in a public place, like an elevator or a train? Imagine you’re in a bubble, says Adams, which can help you calm down and feel safe. Another tactic: Pretending that people around you are inanimate objects, like walls or trees, can also tamp down anxiety about strangers getting too close.
Be direct. “If you’re not OK with someone’s closeness or touch, it is perfectly acceptable to name it and ask that person to step back,” says Adams. So if you find yourself getting an unsolicited shoulder massage or feel an unwanted hand on your lower back and the invasion crosses a line, let that person know he or she is too close for comfort. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is to let someone else know his or her behavior is creeping people out.
Stay updated on the latest science-backed health, fitness, and nutrition news by signing up for the Prevention.com newsletter here. For added fun, follow us on Instagram.
You Might Also Like