PHILGOOD FACTOR
Following his team’s painful victory over Cameroon in the last 16, England manager Phil Neville felt so much shame on behalf of his vanquished opponents that he needed to do something radical. He had to find a way of cleansing himself, lest he be deflected from his crusade to make football pure again. Undignified reactions to agonising defeats were never tolerated by Lord Ferg or David Moyes, so Neville would be damned if he was going to let the behaviour of frustrated Cameroonian players stop him from saving football, especially women’s football. Little girls around the world are depending on him! “Help us, Phil Neville,” they say like so many tiny Princess Leias. “You’re our only hope!”
So before his team’s showdown with Norway in Thursday’s World Cup quarter-final, Neville decided to visit a French barber. And by the looks of it, that barber used something alarmingly close to a guillotine. “A disaster!” yelped Neville when displaying his new coiffe at the pre-game press conference. No doubt he must have felt ashamed for the hairdresser. This barnet is going out all across the world and just look at the bloody state of it! “I needed an interpreter,” sniffed Neville, though he managed to come up with a term for the do. “It’s called a 10-day haircut, which means in 10 days it will be better.”
That means it should look wholesome just in time for the World Cup final. Canny Neville! The hair will be ready, the waistcoat is sorted and the tone is high and mighty; now all England have to do is win enough matches to get to the final. It’s four from four so far and Neville sees that hot streak continuing even if Lucy Bronze, Millie Bright and Steph Houghton lose their races to be fit in time to take part against Norway. “I’m a great believer in looking in my players’ eyes,” gabbled Neville, as Pep Guardiola and Arrigo Sacchi rushed for their notebooks. “The look in their eyes today is relaxed, happy and like they’re ready to win.” That, of course, was the day before the actual match, and possibly before they saw Neville’s haircut. But the manager revealed that his wife, Julie, has lit candles and prayed for his team. And good must prevail. Unless it comes up against better.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Paul Doyle for hot and steamy Africa Cup of Nations MBM coverage of Senegal 1-1 Algeria at 6pm BST, followed by Norway 1-1 England (aet, 3-4 pens) in the World Cup quarter-final with Barry Glendenning from 8pm.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Maybe one of the challenges that we face is we’re not a big glossy charity event, we’re not a corporation. This isn’t a PR exercise. We’re literally asking for people who believe in the project to come join us” – Equal Playing Field’s Maggie Murphy on plans in Lyon to break the world record for the biggest football match.
FIVER LETTERS
“I see press reports that Manchester City are going to sign England’s Cricket World Cup psychologist. Presumably we can expect them to finish outside the top four next season” – Simon Cherry.
“I write to protest at your demonstrable ignorance of the superb tiffin that is the Tunnock’s caramel wafer biscuit (yesterday’s Fiver). Your description of them as ‘chocolate-coated soft marshmallow on a biscuit base’ clearly indicates that you know as much about great British sweet treats as you do about football. Just as Brexit means Brexit, so a teacake is a teacake is not a wafer biscuit (and vice versa or something similar). Numerous supermarket chains have attempted to imitate this edible icon with their own (cheaper) brand versions but my research reveals that none come close to Mr Tunnock’s singular balance of chocolate coating, thin caramel layer, and light yet somehow soft wafer that those not born around 1952 and of a less discerning palate could easily mistake for staleness” – Ronald Jugg (and 1,056 others).
“Thank you Fiver for informing me that I was born in the same year as that wonderful Scottish confection Tunnock’s. Moreover, I have just returned from a Fiver-free respite in that wonderful country, and what was there to greet us at our holiday abode but a six-pack of the aforementioned delicacy. And it was gratefully consumed, I can assure you” – Mike Miles.
“On the subject of nominative determinism (Fiver letters passim), it doesn’t always work. About 40 years ago I was introduced to a man called Arthur Brain and, if memory serves, he was quite intelligent” – Robert Blanchard.
Send your letters to [email protected]. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Simon Cherry.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Egypt’s Mo Salah has rallied behind forward Amr Warda after he was expelled from their Afcon squad following allegations of sexual harassment. “Women must be treated with the utmost respect,” he tooted. “I also believe that many who make mistakes can change for the better and shouldn’t be sent straight to the guillotine, which is the easiest way out. We need to believe in second chances … we need to guide and educate. Shunning is not the answer.”
Back to nominative determinism and Barcelona have brought in goalkeeper Neto from Valencia.
Meanwhile, Barça suit Jordi Cardoner insists the club aren’t trying to bring Neymar back from PSG. “We have not put that topic on the table,” he sniffed.
Liverpool have agreed terms to sign highly-rated Dutch whelp Sepp van den Berg from PEC Zwolle. “I couldn’t believe it, I thought it was a joke,” honked the defender.
Chelsea have money to burn and a transfer ban to wangle themselves around so will splurge £45m on making Mateo Kovacic’s loan a permanent deal.
Joe Aribo has done one from Charlton to join the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers for around £300,000, leaving Lee Bowyer in a right funk. “Joe should have stayed in England,” he parped. “Brentford came to us two days ago asking about Joe. They said they tried for him. Joe wasn’t even aware Brentford were interested in him. His [Mr 15%] should have told him. Brentford make players better and then sell them to the Premier League. Joe has done financially well out of this but so has his [Mr 15%].”
Decent.
And Australia have held flamin’ talks with Indonesia about making a joint bid for the 2034 World Cup, despite another 10-team bid already being prepared involving … Indonesia.
STILL WANT MORE?
USA! USA!! USA!!!’s outspoken and insightful midfielder Megan Rapinoe embodies the best of America, writes Gemma Clarke.
Floating brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson warns Brazil and Argentina that they should be afraid of Paraguay and Venezuela, their respective Copa América quarter-final opponents.
Giles Richards on Rocky of the Rovers, the cartoon sensation of the Women’s World Cup.
Marcus Christenson profiles Caroline Graham Hansen, whose tirelessness can cause England problems, while Louise Taylor has the lowdown on England.
Aaron Wan-Bissaka can thrive at Old Trafford, but patience will be needed, reckons Dominic Fifield.
Lars Ricken gets some Dortmund academy chat on with Alex Clapham.
Rooney, from the halfway line, and a choice pick of other similar efforts, are among the gems in this week’s Classic YouTube.
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