Whatever the intention, phoney wars don’t end up much sillier than this World Cup warm-up. Jos Buttler offered a spectacle with a whirlwind half-century, after Steve Smith had done the same with a hundred, while a close finish provided some fun as England were bowled out 12 runs short of Australia’s 297.
Admittedly England playing Australia in any cricket match has cachet. The prospect of this dominant England side getting one over its biggest rival drew 10,000 people on the pilgrimage to the Hampshire Bowl outside Southampton.
They got moments of theatre and enjoyed the day out. But it is hard for any practice match to feel like the real thing, and this contest soon became more farce than fierce. Australia went into the match intending to field 12 players, leaving out Mitchell Starc and Pat Cummins, as well as their most damaging batsman, Glenn Maxwell.
England started with intentions to play 11, but went through 15 in the field as injury precautions reduced them to using fielding coach Paul Collingwood for much of the afternoon, one day shy of his 43rd birthday.
England captain Eoin Morgan was already missing with a fractured finger, as was leg-spinner Adil Rashid with a sore shoulder and Jofra Archer who was rested. Chris Woakes had to fill in for Morgan but as a non-bowler to protect a tricky knee.
The parade of chaos in the match started with Mark Wood pulling up sore in his fourth over and going for a precautionary scan on his ankle. Archer came on as a substitute, then went off after a heavy fall on the boundary. Joe Root had been given a free day after the death of his grandfather but had to field for Archer, then when Liam Plunkett went off for treatment the clarion call extended to Collingwood to put on Wood’s shirt.
With England playing in a retro uniform it worked to use retro players. Collingwood hasn’t lost any spryness, and plenty in the crowd relished the sight of him stationed at backward point once again. In a world where nostalgia is lucrative business, perhaps he should come out for a few overs in every England match.
But the medical ward wasn’t done. Jason Roy took a blow to the forearm at cover and probably would have gone off if that had not meant finding a kit for the team nutritionist. Reserve spinner Liam Dawson cut his finger while fielding and was excused from batting.
In the end England officially used 13 players, sending in Rashid and Archer late with the bat to try to get over the line. The end came with Archer, who wasn’t listed to play for England, being run out by Maxwell, who wasn’t listed to play for Australia.
The pantomime nature was also apparent in the response to Australia’s batting. The spectator wearing an inflatable cricket ball costume and a hat made of sandpaper rather summed up the local attitude. David Warner was booed to the crease, then a more enthusiastic chorus of derision greeted Smith.
Smith gave the crowd the most opportunity to voice that displeasure as he reached fifty, then his century. After risk-free accumulation Smith eventually hit carnival mode, slashing Ben Stokes high over backward point for six, then stepping across to ramp Plunkett over the wicketkeeper. Only an odd caught-and-bowled call on 116 from third umpire Joel Wilson saw the back of him.
Nonetheless, Australia weren’t trying their hardest, stacking the middle order with sedate strokemakers in Shaun Marsh and Usman Khawaja. Warner’s 43 was the next best score on the day, while wicketkeeper Alex Carey’s late 30 from 14 was the most aggressive. Australia’s vulnerability looks like their lack of power hitting.
England would fancy themselves to chase 297 most days, regularly running down bigger scores in recent years. But after their shambles in the field, they weren’t switched on for the chase. The batsmen who have put bowlers to the sword couldn’t remove the scabbard. None of Roy, Stokes or Jonny Bairstow could find timing and all fell forcing the pace.
Holding the innings together fell to the man slated to miss most of the tournament as a back-up, James Vince, who assembled a composed 64 before steering Jason Behrendorff to short third man.
By then Buttler had come and gone for 52 from 31 balls, including 24 from one Nathan Coulter-Nile over. At 171 for three England were cruising, but Australia kept pegging back wickets at the right time.
Only the man who used to love a pantomime wasn’t interested today. Warner did as he’s done during his suspension, keeping his head down and treating his game as a job to be done. When Bairstow caught Warner running around the boundary in the first innings, the Englishman saluted to the crowd and raised a cheer. When Warner caught Bairstow he strolled in to the huddle with minimal celebration.
If the focus on Smith and Warner isn’t already tedious, it soon will be. One thing was notable on a day when the cricket wasn’t too serious. While some booing greeted Smith’s century, it died out before the applause did. Acclaim can outlast derision, even when the stakes are low.