HE’S OLE GUNNAR DONE IT
Alt + quote mark = æ. Now that Ole Gunnar Solskjær’s been given the Manchester United manager’s job on a full-time basis, The Fiver thought it was finally time to stop relying on copy-and-paste and actually learn the key code for the æ that appears towards the end of his name when it’s written in his native language. For as long as he remained in the role on an interim basis we simply weren’t prepared to use up precious space in our addled brain, but if United have decided to go all in and take a leap of faith, then The Fiver is prepared to join them.
On Thursday morning it was announced that United had abandoned their summer succession plan and instead offered their Norwegian caretaker a three-year deal. Whether or not he’ll actually get to see it out remains to be seen, considering the contract they gave David Moyes, his predecessor’s predecessor’s predecessor, still has about six weeks to run.
“This is the job that I always dreamed of doing and I’m beyond excited to have the chance to lead the club long-term and hopefully deliver the continued success that our amazing fans deserve,” whooped Ole, who was originally brought in to cheer everyone up and start getting some sort of tune out of the team, a task which was always going to be fairly straightforward when you consider the human embodiment of self-absorbed misery he was replacing. But now his honeymoon period is over and, as he takes a more long-term place at the wheel, his first job will be to show how resilient his team can be in the face of two consecutive defeats, before securing Big Cup football for United next season.
“More than just performances and results, Ole brings a wealth of experience, both as a player and as a coach, coupled with a desire to give young players their chance and a deep understanding of the culture of the club,” cheered United suit Ed Woodward. “This all means that he is the right person to take Manchester United forward.” Of course, as somebody who has previously described José Mourinho as “quite simply the best manager working in the game today”, Louis van Gaal as “the perfect choice” and David Moyes as “having all the skills needed to build on United’s phenomenal legacy”, Woodward’s encomiums should perhaps be taken with a pinch of salt. But for now, the good ship Manchester United and all who sail in her are happy with Ole at the wheel, as he’s done a cracking job so fær.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Why he risked it at this stage of the season, I don’t know. We spoke before the game about the magnitude of the games and the pressure to make good decisions. And I said it again to him in there as he’s a big enough boy to take it. If we’re 3-0 up in the first game of the season with 10 minutes to go and he tries something like that, you can accept it. But where we are and how the goal would have been for us, it’s crazy” – Oran Kearney, manager of Scottish Premiership bottom side St Mirren, was not particularly impressed with Simeon Jackson’s botched Panenka at 0-0 against St Johnstone on Wednesday. St Mirren went on to lose 1-0.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Football Weekly Extra will be in this neighbourhood.
FIVER LETTERS
“While one can sympathise with the travellers who went to Edinburgh instead of Dusseldorf (yesterday’s Fiver letters), I’d much rather be in their situation than the chap in this week’s other report of a work-scheduling error” – John Caley.
“I don’t mean to go all Roy Keane, but the sight of stewards in neon bibs and stiff suits awkwardly kicking tennis ball after tennis ball off the pitch in Dublin (yesterday’s Fiver) made me groan at the FAI’s utter lack of preparation. If they knew that fans were likely going to litter the pitch with little fuzzy yellow balls, the least they could have done to prepare was to make sure they had a tennis ball basket handy” – Peter Oh.
Send your letters to [email protected]. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … John Caley.
BITS AND BOBS
Move over the Education Funding Agency, the European Film Academy and the European Free Alliance: the FA is set to rebrand as the EFA in a bid to shed its “arrogant” image. Nothing says humility like a glossy corporate rebrand, eh?
Chelsea are in Women’s Big Cup semi-finals thanks to Maren Mjelde’s late clincher and PSG remaining a byword for PSG.
WSL club Yeovil Town Ladies have been docked 10 points after going into administration, leaving them even further adrift at the bottom on -6.
Manuel Pellegrini has cast doubt on West Ham’s ability to hold on to Declan Rice. “It is just a matter of price,” he yelped.
It’s fair to say Wifi-banning Southampton manager Ralph Hasenhuttl isn’t a fan of computer games. “I did it in my last club, we had also problems with players, they were playing until three o’clock in the morning before a game,” he tooted. “You have to be active and to help protect them because it’s not a small problem because if you are honest it’s the same as alcoholism or getting addicted to drugs.”
To the great joy of Shortbread McFiver, Alex McLeish is heading for ominous “talks” with the SFA.
Uefa has charged the FAI with the “throwing of objects” after fans lobbed tennis balls on the pitch in protest during their Euro 2020 qualifier against Georgia.
Former Aston Villa striker Savo Milosevic has been appointed head coach of Partizan Belgrade.
Alexandre Pato is back at São Paulo after a two-year stint with China’s Tianjin Tianhai.
And in it’ll-all-end-in-tears news, Plymouth Argyle have banned local paper, the Herald, from speaking to manager Derek Adams before matches.
STILL WANT MORE?
Actua Soccer memories and a Patrik Berger pearler from 2004? It must be this week’s Classic YouTube.
Manchester United’s 1999 Champions League winners: where are they now? Let’s have a look.
Next on Ole’s in-tray.
Real Madrid have Zidane. Manchester United have Ole. Where does that leave poor ol’ Mauricio Pochettino? David Hytner ruminates.
The Premier League run-in: who will be each club’s most important player? Big Website writers investigate.
Does football have a concussion problem?
Football is tackling mental health but more can be done, reports Richard Foster.
The incredible story of Bert Trautmann. By Simon Hattenstone.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!