PHIL AND FASHION
When it comes to getting Manchester United, nobody gets Manchester United more than Not José. The Fiver is inclined to trust that, having put a smile back on the face of every United supporter, Not José was being totally honest while discussing Phil Jones’s new deal. “Phil knows what it takes to be a Manchester United player,” Not José said, going a little red in the face as he tried to stifle a giggle and stop his sides from splitting. “He has won the Premier League, FA Cup and Big Vase and is now one of the senior players within the team. He is coming up to his 27th birthday and entering into his prime years as a centre half. We are delighted Phil has committed his future to the club.”
There you have it: Not José is delighted that United fans will be treated to several more years of gurning, knack lay-offs, botched penalties and comedy own goals. It was all very professional from the United boss, who delivered the kind of straight talk which underlines why he’s won January’s manager of the month award. Nothing wrong with bigging up Jones, even though there have been times when the defender’s looked about as light on his feet as that miserable Portuguese bloke on an ice-rink red carpet. But The Fiver is going to start worrying if Not José announces plans to make Massimo Taibi his goalkeeping coach, asks William Prunier to have a chat with Victor Lindelöf and shows Paul Pogba a few clips of Eric Djemba-Djemba at his rollicking best. Sometimes the laughter has to stop.
If only Fulham’s defenders were capable of realising that, though. Claudio Ranieri’s side have the worst defensive record in the Premier League and are looking destined for the drop as they prepare for Saturday’s home game against United. Languishing seven points off 17th place, Fulham are struggling to find an identity and Ranieri has alarmed supporters by saying he wants his team to be more direct. “Keep possession, go forward,” the Italian dilly-donged. “Don’t keep possession and go back.”
You probably won’t catch Pep Guardiola offering up that kind of chat. The Manchester City manager likes to take a few risks, which he demonstrated by turning up to his Friday press conference wearing David Seaman’s psychedelic England kit from the Euro 96 semi-final against Germany. Is it a sign that the pressure’s getting to Pep? Or was he trying to get inside Jürgen Klopp’s head before Liverpool host Bournemouth on Saturday? The Fiver promises to report back with the answers on Monday. As long as it can tear itself away from the photos of Pep’s technicolour jumper.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I didn’t know it. What? [Eff]. I’ll have to install [Instachat]” – Guardiola, in a brief press conference moment when he was audible over the sound of his sweater, was quite surprised to be told Benjamin Mendy tagged himself in Hong Kong this week.
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The world of football has been paying tribute after Emiliano Sala’s body was recovered from the Channel and formally identified.
A fire at the training centre of Flamengo has killed 10 people and injured at least three others.
Arsenal will meet Manchester City in the Continental Cup final after beating Manchester United 2-1 with two Vivianne Miedema goals. “You put Viv anywhere around the goal and she will score,” cheered Joe Montemurro.
Liverpool have reported a world-record £125m profit for the 2017-18 financial year. “This growth and increase in revenue has enabled us to significantly reinvest both in the playing squad and the football operational infrastructure!” whooped a club suit.
The longest running will-they-won’t-they story since Mulder and Scully seems set to run and run after Mauricio Pochettino confirmed it will be “tough” for Tottenham to move into their new stadium before the end of the season.
… expected to take charge of Oldham in the next 24 hours … SKY SPORTS YELLOW BREAKING NEWS TICKER OF DOOM … Paul Scholes is …
STILL WANT MORE?
Eddie Money might have two tickets to paradise but we’ve got 10 things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend.
To press or not to press? That is the question for Maurizio Sarri. Floating brain-in-a-jar Jonathan Wilson has the answer.
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