ABC
Another journey to find love has begun, and thus so has our journey to deal with the mountains of secondhand embarrassment that come with one guy dating 30 women at once (and with a live show filled with Bachelor franchise stars).
To be totally fair to the participants on The Bachelor, that’s a tough situation for anybody. We wouldn’t know how to handle it, and we’re quite sure if there were cameras in our face we would also end up handing a man a box of no underwear or a bag of nuts or a balloon shaped like an apple (not a cherry). We too would also probably end up giving him our dog out of last minute desperation, though we’d immediately want that dog back.
It was clear throughout tonight’s big season 23 premiere some of the contestants and also Colton Underwood himself had succumbed to the naturally awkward nature of dating on TV, so we’ve compiled a ranking of the night’s most interesting decisions, from least to most awkward.
ABC
The Sloth
You’d think this were one of the more awkward choices of the night, but Alex D.’s commitment to the life of a sloth (walking slowly, talking slowly, hanging out in trees) made this work weirdly well, especially when the mask was removed and she revealed that she’s actually the fastest talker of them all. She may have walked away without a rose, but we’ll never forget her.
ABC
This Dancing
Katie loves to dance, that’s for sure. It’s also for sure that she’s a better dancer than we are, but is she an objectively good dancer here in this clip with some royalty free background music that doesn’t go with the moves? We can’t say she is.
ABC
The Box of Butterflies
Super cute concept and idea (and Colton clearly enjoyed it), it was a real awkward moment with the fake butterflies just sort of falling on the ground. *sad trombone music*
ABC
This Relatable Dental Experience
It’s so awkward when dentists talk to you with their hands in your mouth! You can’t respond!
ABC
This Bag of Nuts
Sure, sure, her last name is McNutt…but the Bachelor’s not gonna call you that, Erika.
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The Fake Australian Accent
She pulled it off, but how long can she keep it up?
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This Photoshop Job
This nice lady photoshopped her dog and Colton’s dog into a picture together, which is at least less creepy than photoshopping herself into a pic with Colton.
ABC
This Intense Pressure
This girl quit her job (as a dancer) to meet Colton! That’s a lot to deal with in the first moments you’re meeting someone.
ABC
This Cinderella Failure
Colton greeted the girl in the horse-drawn carriage, he picked up her shoe, and yet he didn’t give her a rose. Sad.
ABC
The “Cherry” Balloon
This girl handed Colton this balloon, popped it, then said she popped his cherry. Colton thought it looked more like an apple, and we agree.
ABC
The Live Show
What an interesting experiment ABC conducted tonight, employing former stars of the franchise to awkwardly talk to people or awkwardly sit in hot tubs (for three hours! Were Chris and Krystal not entirely prunes by the time the show was over?) or stand by as commoners proposed to each other. It took over an hour for a girl to step out of a limo and by the time it finally happened, we were tired, hungry,
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Chris and Krystal’s “Baby” Announcement
They’re getting a puppy. And they announced it from the hot tub they had to live in for the whole night, which was situated sexily out in a LA parking lot.
ABC
This Empty Underwear Box
Hey Hannah? We didn’t want to know that Colton doesn’t wear underwear, but thanks for that. If we were him we would have been more weirded out by that, but he gave her the first impression rose so guess we don’t know anything.
ABC
Catherine Giving Colton Her Dog
Why.
ABC
Catherine’s First Interruption
Krystal from last season, is that you?
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Catherine’s Second Interruption
Yes, Catherine, we mind.
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Catherine’s Third Interruption
Scuse me, yes, apparently you can, because you got the final rose.
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The First Proposal
Please make a note to never propose to us in front of a crowd of strangers on national TV.
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The Second Proposal
Please make an even bigger note to never propose to us in front of a crowd of a group of our own friends plus some Bachelor franchise stars on national TV after another common couple has already done the same thing!
ABC
The Most Awkward: This Line
“I have not dated a virgin since I was 12” is upsetting for multiple reasons that should be obvious but mainly relate to 12 being the age of A CHILD. A CHILD!! We don’t want to know your dating history at this point, Demi.
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
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