How to celebrate women’s imperfections

From the women who brought us the term, and the website The Midult, their book I’m Absolutely Fine! A Manual For Imperfect Women does exactly what it says on the tin. 

Annabel Rivkin and Emilie McMeekan’s book is an irreverent, sassy rage against perfection, in praise of The Midult – a woman aged between 35 and 45 – and Love Island, as it turns out, was right in their cross-hairs. 

“I sat looking at the 20-year-olds with their perfect breasts, lips and cheeks and I just thought, ‘What a shame not to accept yourself and your imperfections’,” says Annabel. 

“I was talking to a friend who wanted to have a nose job in her 20s and now thinks her nose is her best feature. If you have all that work done when you’re young, you have no time to grow into yourself.”

She believes this need to strive for excellence, both physically and personally, is dangerous. 

“Perfection is an act of self loathing,” she says. 

“It is an extension of self-care not to push ourselves to believe we can be perfect all the time.” 

Aimed at the so-called worry brigade whose every waking moment is spent fretting about careers, money, sexual fulfilment, hairy chins and bat wings, the book, Annabel insists, has a serious undertone. 

“We talked to a lot of women as part of our research for the book. I remember one particular dinner during my summer of anxiety when I wasn’t sleeping, I was overwrought and there were all these glamorous women there, and once we started talking it turned out they too were having equally difficult lives. One didn’t want to go home to her husband as they got on so badly, another was on medication, another thought she was going to die. It’s a kind of glue that binds us together, the sharing, it makes us feel safe.” 

Although the book is often written in the first person, it is never explained whether the “I” in question is Annabel or Emilie relating a personal experience. But between them the best friends, both 43, have had their share of problems.

“We have had alcoholism, eating disorders, PTSD, panic attacks, single motherhood, bitter money worries, nuclear break-ups, insomnia, dead dads, nervous breakdowns, drug addictions and decades of therapy,” they write in the book. 

For Annabel’s part it was the end of a long-term relationship leading to three difficult years in which she suffered from anxiety and chronic insomnia, coupled with a desperate desire to become a mother that she feels makes her qualified to write the manual. 

There are few subjects that are off-limits but parenthood was a notable exception. 

“We don’t write about children or husbands because we didn’t want to cause any pain,” says Annabel. 

“We don’t want women without children to feel unlovable. We are all-loving, just with sharp corners,” she says, laughing, before adding, “Besides, there are plenty of other mum-centric websites out there.” 

She eventually had a son, Bluey, four, with a close male friend.

He lives with his mum in west London but sees his dad every weekend. 

Emilie lives close by with her husband and two daughters, Esme, nine, and seven-year-old Agnes.

THE title for the book came from a conversation at a school concert when, instead of replying, “I’m absolutely fine!” when asked how she was, an unknown parent revealed that she might need a hysterectomy. 

Such is the candour with which women confide in Annabel and Emilie two years after the advent of The ­Midult. 

Initially anonymous, the website contains features and listicles aimed at like-minded women. 

Among the talking points online are the male anatomy and sex in middle age, as well as the essential 23 Best Divorce Lawyers in the UK. 

The 20,000 subscribers to the daily newsletter include their core demographic but as the brand expands, the women are noticing a new trend. 

“We are attracting younger women, in their 20s and 30s,” says Annabel.

“They’ve told us, ‘Thank God for telling the truth.’ Grown-up women laugh harder, their relationships are deeper and they have the wisdom that comes from that.” 

Both attended St Paul’s Girls’ School – Annabel was in the year above – but their friendship blossomed working together at a magazine. 

Describing themselves as “ridiculously compatible”, Annabel says they came up with the idea for the website and book because they felt middle-aged women were being sentenced to a life of solitary angst. 

“Nobody was listening to us, nobody saw us any more. We wanted women to feel recognised because there’s a certain time in your mid30s when you start to feel invisible. There’s the old saying that men feel more distinguished, women more extinguished with age and we wanted to reverse this,” she says. 

“Men are becoming more like peacocks, so we’ll leave the boob jobs and diets to them,” she adds. 

“It’s about time women had a rest from it all.”

20 THINGS YOU KNOW IF YOU’RE A MIDULT

1. Nothing good happens at three in the morning.

2. You should never buy the smallest size you can get into.

3. Everyone needs therapy.

4. Grey hair is beautiful, grey roots make you look deranged.

5. Time flies.

6. You are probably a little bit of an alcoholic. Unless you are actually an alcoholic, in which case you may have given up drinking.

7. You are always hungry.

8. If you check out of technology, you are checking out of life. Don’t do it.

9. If someone has no old friends, there is a problem.

10. Infidelity doesn’t necessarily mean it’s over. Contempt does.

11. Things get stuck in your teeth.

12. Something always hurts.

13. And then you think it’s cancer.

14. You know more and less at the same time. You think they might cancel each other out. So where does that leave us?

15. Good sleep is better than good sex.

16. Moths make you panic. Even talking about them: panic.

17. You have 25 different kinds of herbal tea. You don’t much like any of them. You’d rather have a Diet Coke. But you probably won’t.

18. Swearing f***ing helps.

19. This is the rush hour of life: we have spots, wrinkles and possibly braces.

20. If you need to cancel, you need to cancel.

10 THINGS MIDULTS DO WHEN THEY LOOK IN THE MIRROR

1 Pulling the skin taut around the cheekbones. Gently, kindly, lifting the skin and thinking, “I wonder what it would be like if I had a facelift, or a brow lift at least, or a bit of filler but of course I wouldn’t but doesn’t that make my nose look nobler, and look at my nasolabial lines and I can’t believe I’ve thought the word nasolabial.’

2 Pigmentation examination. Find worst mirror. Ramp up the strip lighting (maybe need a head torch). Touch nose to glass. Allow eyes to refocus. Examine funny patches of colour all over your face.

3 Jawline prod. Not a prod, rather just applying a little pressure to the jaw. Firm. Like when we squeeze an avocado. Checking for what exactly? Flim flam that’s what. Loss of the… will to carry on.

4 Chin hair inspection. You can feel the little blighter so why can’t you see him? For once you’ve got tweezers to hand and you’re not just “worrying” the stubble with your middle finger. But you can’t see it. Can it be blonde? Oh dear Jesus it’s grey isn’t it? A grey chin hair that evades capture.

5 Teeth check. Is there anything stuck in your teeth? There is always stuff stuck in your teeth. And why are they going so snaggly? Braces? Just on the bottom? Yes. Braces. It’s all the rage. You wonder how much they cost.

6 Turning head slowly from side to side. This way you can fully inspect your chicken neck. And how much, er, definition there is left between jaw and neck. Stretch a bit. A bit more…

7 And then stroking that bit between your neck and chin. Is it getting bigger? Is it getting flabbier?

8 Raising eyebrows and then seeing how quickly the creases go back on your eyelids. Maybe you’ll start timing it.

9 Shooting yourself a winning smile – you know the kind: super-dynamic, irresistible, there’s practically a twinkle. Ting.

10 Wave at yourself (both hands) and quietly watch your arms appear in the breeze.