Well would ya look at that. The men told all!
Or at least some of the men told some, and we will not lie about the fact that we did a lot of yawning tonight. We’re just really tired in general, but we just also found ourselves a little bored by some of tonight’s “confrontations” between people we had pretty much forgotten about.
That’s always the weird thing about the tell alls, though. They feel late, addressing things that happened several months ago in real life and several weeks ago on TV, giving a platform to people we’d long forgotten about. Were any of us hankering for an explanation for Jean Blanc professing and then un-professing his love to Becca? We, at least, were not.
But someone who works on this show must have known about the things we actually personally cared about, because they dedicated 45 minutes (of a two hour show!) to Jordan, followed by Grocery Store Joe, followed by Wills. Thank you, Bachelorette gods. You made this night worth it for us.
It was so nice to see Jordan again, and watch him shut the other, less confident, less positive, less fashionable men down with wisdom like, “I don’t have a fear of being me, because if I walked around as a hologram of a man, or as a skeleton of a man, where is that gonna get me?” and “You could literally put me in a cardboard box and I would have the best time.”
He’s reality TV gold in gold underwear the other guys are clearly just jealous.
That was originally going to be the end of our Jordan tribute for today, but Jordan just kept going, refusing to let himself be brought down by the holograms of men around him. Jason even joined Team Jordan, pointing out that Jordan didn’t really do anything to David, but David sure did go after Jordan.
“Bullying’s not cool,” he explained. No, it is not.
Jordan then equated himself to a guy driving a Rolls Royce who rolls the windows down to make sure everybody sees that he’s driving a Rolls Royce, which was ridiculous but also made sense?
Anyway, Jordan’s 45 minutes culminated in him undoing his pants to show off the golden underwear once again. And honestly, it was exactly what we needed from Jordan. He’s totally nuts, but it’s a fun kind of nuts, you know?
Grocery Store Joe was up next, and we learned he’s a man of few but honest words.
“It was pretty bad,” he said of his time on the show. “I went home right away. It really went, like, horribly.”
What a guy.
Joe was followed by Wills, and by that time we were thinking this was the best time we’ve ever had watching men tell all, even if the majority of Wills’ time on the couch was very sad. He fell in love with Becca when he discovered she had grown up with the same lullaby, and he was heartbroken when she sent him home.
Colton then also sat down and cried over rude comments other guys said about his virginity (very rude, to be fair) before Jason tried to figure out what went wrong in his relationship with Becca.
Then Becca actually sat down with Chris Harrison. She hugged Jason, defended Tia’s feelings, listened to Jean Blanc’s apology, said hello to Joe, listened to Chris’ apology (and his gospel choir), and gushed about how much fun Jordan truly was, which was really the thesis of the night.
Jordan is ridiculous and full of himself, but in a land of insecure bros, he was also a refreshing and (relatively) harmless bit of comic relief. Hopefully he keeps it up in Paradise.
The Bachelorette finale will air next Monday at 8 p.m. on ABC.