The Fiver | Good luck to the English Franz Smuda

HONEY TO THE BEES

As you will obviously already know, Franz Smuda is manager of Widzew Lodz in the Polish third tier. He’s doing very nicely too, taking the side famous for pulling Manchester United’s pants down all those years ago to the top of the league, and looking good for promotion. This is Smuda’s fifth spell in charge at the club, the siren call once again guiding him home last year, drawn back again and again to the team he first managed in 1995.

That is one of many, many things that Poland’s third-largest city and national cultural hub has in common with Barnet. For this morning Martin Allen, no doubt in tribute to Smuda’s success this season, was appointed the Bees’ manager for the fifth time, making him the fourth manager to try lifting the side away from the perils of relegation from the Football League this season.

Now, to the untrained eye, a single club having that many bosses in one campaign might suggest an organisation more suited to the business of face paint, flowers that squirt water and buckets that they pretend contain water, but are actually filled with glitter. Not so, according to chairman Tony Kleanthous, who released a statement explaining why the season had panned out as it had, revealing himself to be such an adorable optimist that he appointed one of the four managers in the full knowledge that everyone would hate him.

So it came to pass, and Allen is back, continuing the eternal love story between man and club, who try to exist apart but end up falling back into each other’s arms again and again. The Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton of the football world: unable to live with each other but completely incapable of imagining life without each other.
You can picture the scene this morning as a man and a club stood staring out over the still, glistening vistas of Edgware, sighing and weeping slightly, as one mumbles: “I wish I knew how to quit you.” Actually, maybe they’re closer to the noted chaotician Dr Ian Malcolm, who when asked in the documentary Jurassic Park if he was married, quipped: “Occasionally.”

Perhaps understandably given his multiple spells with the Bees, Allen has never been a man to set down roots too quickly. When he took over at Notts County in 2011, he used their website to ask the locals if anyone had a spare room he could kip in.

“I don’t like these posh hotels,” he said. “I don’t want nothing flash. If you know anyone, it’s for me and my dog Monty who is a very good boy. I need somewhere, preferably on the south side of Nottingham to kip, have a bit of food maybe and kind of be a dosser who will keep himself to himself, who works long hours.”
Perhaps this is why he keeps going back to Barnet: he’s such a frequent visitor that he at least has a strong handle on the local property market. Still, if anyone has a spare room in the north London area for a very good boy called Monty and his owner, drop Barnet a line anyway.

But for now, let us wish good luck to Martin Allen: Mad Dog, occasional Barnet manager and most importantly of all, the English Franz Smuda.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“One has to take advantage of the fact that the forwards can not touch attackers inside the area. So I played a little bit with the vividness and I let myself fall” – Universidad de Concepción forward Jean Meneses says he did not commit one of the worst dives in history to help his side to a 2-1 win over Colo Colo, but simply played with everyone’s mental perception of gravity.

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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Danny Welbeck will not face retrospective action for his tribute to Greg Louganis during Arsenal’s 3-1 Big Vase win over Milan, Uefa has confirmed.

After José Mourinho upped his trolling of Luke Shaw by offering Ashley Young a one-year contract extension at Manchester United, the 22-year-old played his Winston Bogarde card and suggested he may see out the final year of his contract at Old Trafford whether he plays or not.

Chelsea’s Andreas Christensen turned to EFLJT for advice after his mistake led to a Barcelona Big Cup goal. “I have realised it, looked at it and now I have moved on,” shrugged the distrait Dane.

And the chief executive of US Club Soccer says the rest of the world will soon follow USA! USA!! USA!!!’s ban on youths heading footballs. “No one really knows what are the consequences of heading a ball at this young age,” said Kevin Payne.

STILL WANT MORE?

Fans of conversations about sharp objects will be upset to learn this Talking Points blog is about the weekend’s FA Cup and Premier League football.

Nick Ames takes a trip into Albania’s dark side and discovers Skenderbeu is where it’s at if match-fixing’s your jam.

“Game over man, game over,” reports Sid Lowe of La Liga.

Relegation battle specialist Bruno Labbadia can’t keep Die Wolf from the door to the second division, reckons Andy Brassell.

Spal/SPAL/S.P.A.L.’s battling 0-0 draw with Juventus has breathed life into Serie A despite the fact nobody knows how to write the club’s name is not quite what Paolo Bandini has filed but it’ll do for here.

The general laying on of hands following Lyon’s win over Marseille is actually a good thing, say both Adam White and Eric Devin.

He was sent off (wrongly) for kicking a referee up the hole in the 1974 World Cup, and since then tragedy has stalked Ndaye Mulambu’s life. Paul Doyle investigates.

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