Fifty Shades Freed reviews are TERRIBLE: ‘Laughable’ ‘Just NOT SEXY’ ‘Too little too late’

Devoted fans of the books and movies will already expect the critics to have their knives sharpened.

The first movie is the highest rated on a measly 25% on Rotten Tomatoes, with Fifty Shades Darker languishing on 10%. The final outing in the franchise (so far) currently rates as a disastrous 17%.

Perhaps the most shocking consensus across the reviews so far is how repetitive and unsexy the sex has become, even with the inclusion of fancy glass-blown buttplugs this time around.

Critics still reserve praise for Dakota’s Johnson’s charming presence and concede that the hardcore fans will go away content, while regular cinema-goers may be less tempted than before. The first movie banked $571million worldwide while the second dropped to $381million. Will the third go out with a bang or a whimper?

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The Hollywood Reporter: Seriously, is this the best we can offer adults who don’t want to watch Marvel movies?

In terms of drama, or melodrama, or just bad drama, Freed rarely delivers the goods while trying hard to give fans what they came for: more visits to the “playroom” for some lightweight sadomasochism, more eye-rolling plot mechanics involving Christian Grey’s troubled past, more reactionary views on love and marriage, more money shots of sports cars, private jets and vacation homes that only the 1 percent can afford, and more attempts to turn what may be one of the duller couples to ever grace the screen into two captivating characters. For good measure, the filmmakers also toss in a butt plug.

Indiewire: Compared to how submissive and sapped of all agency the character was in her two previous outings, Ana does seem extremely mischievous in “50 Shades Freed,” the third and presumably last entry in this kinky franchise. Yet all in all, she’s only asking for the respect that she rightfully deserves. In any case, the mutual participation at play in this sex scene makes it a lot more exciting to watch than any of Christian’s theatrical BDSM tricks, and the rest of the movie follows suit.               

This lighter approach to sexual intercourse seems to lift the spirits of the characters along with the tone. Johnson, radiant and committed, gives Ana a certain confidence and ease that she’d never had before, and Christian, the man of steel himself, proves he has a few decent jokes in him.

Herald Sun (Australia): Prepare to turn the lights way down low in the bedroom of your mind. Then set your expectations even lower. The end to the most trouser-troubling trilogy in motion-picture history is upon us. The whole experience has been like a bad Tinder date that lasted three years.

The best that can be said of Fifty Shades Freed is that it offers the lasting relief of knowing the franchise won’t ever be calling for another hook-up. So by all means, plonk your money down on Fifty Shades Freed, and cop the punishment you undoubtedly deserve.

Screen International: Less a film than a closing coda buffed up, blinged out and spread thin throughout a feature-length runtime, Fifty Shades Freed offers fans of the three-strong series a chance to send off their favourite characters with all the opulence and tastefully soft-core decadence they’ve come to expect from previous installments, gorging on the series’ luxurious embellishments while all but jettisoning any hint of narrative tension or engagement along the way.

Variety: Every word is a safe one in “Fifty Shades Freed,” a Swarovski-dipped series closer that takes no chances, and spares no luxury expense, in giving Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey the dream wedding and nightmare honeymoon period their fans have been anticipating for years. 

By round three, there’s nothing left to discover in Anastasia and Christian — characters who, even at their most engaging, weren’t exactly Chekhovian to begin with. With the root of his sadism, her masochism and the mood music their combined issues make together all adequately explored, we’re left mostly rehashing old tensions that, with familiarity, have gone a little slack.

Perhaps the lone surprise of “Fifty Shades Freed” is just how incidental its erotica has become: There’s no shortage here of lightly spiced bump and grind, staged and shot with salted-caramel smoothness, with nothing more than Johnson’s nipples or a fleeting brush of Dornan’s pubic hedge to prickle delicate sensibilities.

Sex is just a thing Anastasia and Christian do now, as it is for many a married couple until, in some cases, it eventually isn’t even that any more.

The Wrap: “I feel like I’ve been here before,” says Anastasia Steele, now Grey (Dakota Johnson), wandering through the forest to an old abandoned mansion. So do we, Ana.

“Fifty Shades Freed” is being sold as the sexiest, most explosive of the series (“Don’t miss the climax,” pleads the tagline), but for the third time the film fails to capitalize on what made the books such runaway successes in the first place: the sex. At this point we’ve been in and out of the red room so often that it’s completely lost its intrigue (Ana even manages to catch 40 winks in there), and the sex scenes feel more like an afterthought, inserted to remind us of the reason the series became such a phenomenon.

Although it tries to hide it by cramming in fist fights, car chases and kidnapping, “Fifty Shades Freed” suffers from a lack of rhythm, moving from plot point to plot point with as much spontaneity as meal-planning for one’s luxury penthouse household with one’s housekeeper. It’s clichéd, stodgy and overly faithful to the original books.

FIFTY SHADES FREED IS OUT ON FEBRUARY 9