The Fiver | Biannual dignity vacuum

TRANSFER DEADLINE DOOM

Roll up! Roll up! Roll up! Welcome ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, to the greatest non-football football show on earth. Get your tickets here, for the biannual dignity vacuum that is transfer deadline day, an event that quite literally has something for everyone. Well, everyone apart from Newcastle or Sunderland at the time of writing, but it’s still quite early.

Are you an anonymous Twitter fan of a massive club with morally questionable owners? Get yourself on mum’s computer and bicker tediously with anonymous Twitter fans of other massive clubs with morally questionable owners over whose morally questionable owners are the most morally questionable!!! Better still, get yourself to an actual football match – it’s not as scary as some say and who knows, you might just like it.

Is your team’s manager about to pay up to £90m for another team’s star player because his own star player is temporarily knacked? Get down the pub to where the men are talking and interrupt by saying “yeah, but what about …”, pointing out that “these days £500m isn’t actually a lot of money” and asking one of the lads to sub you a tenner because you’re a bit strapped until Friday.

Are you a newspaper journalist claiming to have informed sources who can be trusted to keep you in the know, when in fact you’re really just some Mr 15%’s stooge? Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with The Fiver.

Are you a broadcast journalist with ambition, a smart suit and an expensive media studies degree you’re still paying for 15 years after graduation? Get yourself down the car-park of the Hawthorns to stand in the wind and rain for 14 hours, hoping nobody sticks a d1ldo in your ear as you breathlessly report your fleeting glimpse of a sullen teenager wearing a backwards snapback cap and ripped jeans climbing out of an expensive car holding a designer wash-bag as if it’s one of the most important things you’ll ever do.

Are you a sullen teenager wearing a backwards snapback cap and ripped jeans climbing out of an expensive car holding a designer wash-bag? Why didn’t you lose the millinery and put on a suit and tie out of respect for your new club and all associated with it – you’re about to sign a multi-million pound contract, one of the most important things you’ll ever do.

Are you an Arsenal fan whooping and hollering with delight because Henrikh Mkhitaryan made his debut last night and your club has just announced Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang? Get in front of the mirror and remind yourself that your team got tonked by Swansea because they’re incapable of defending. All yer Mkhitaryans and yer Aubameyangs in the world aren’t going to change that.

Are you an Everton fan licking your lips at the prospect of the club you love making successful last-ditch swoops for Eliaquim Mangala and Daley Blind? Good for you, but don’t forget how pleased you were during the summer when they signed Sandro Ramírez and Davy Klaasen. How did that work out?

Or are you in a minority who have decided all the hoop-la, white noise and Sky Sports News baloney is beneath you, choosing instead to controversially wait until tomorrow to find out who went where and for how much? Good for you – there’s lots of football on tonight, even if it does play second fiddle to all today’s deadline day delirium.

Roll up! Roll up! Roll up! Or in the case of one Britannia Stadium deadline day favourite … just roll-up.

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE

Join Scott Murray from 8pm GMT for hot MBM coverage of Tottenham 1-1 Manchester United, while Barry Glendenning will be getting his Clockwatch on to cover tonight’s other six matches. Meanwhile Steve McMahon’s mate Nick Ames will clack the keys on the deadline day liveblog despite what we’ve just written about deadline day.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“It would be funny if somebody calls about Ingsy – I would love to respond: No chance! We will see what happens but there is no chance that Ingsy is on the market – only if I’m unconscious. Maybe something happens” – what is Jürgen Klopp talking about?

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FIVER LETTERS

“Mewn gwirionedd, dylai Neil Warnock fod wedi dweud, ‘Mae hyn yn Gymru’” – Matt Dony.

“I noticed that The Fiver, perhaps under the influence of Tin, again used ‘wrack’ when it ought to have written ‘rack’ [Tuesday’s Fiver]. For its benefit the rack was that thingy that stretched you until your arms and legs were pulled off (unless you gave up first) and wrack is seaweedy rubbish chucked up on a beach often after a storm” – Richard Fernandez [and no other pedants].

“Re. Euro Tin (Fivers passim): if we take yachting as the example then we could just name it after the first winners, like The America’s Cup. So the German’s Cup it is then” – Ian Crossan.

“The Interbloato seems like an apt name, while giving a hat tip to Uefa’s most recently discontinued, didn’t-even-seem-like-a-good-idea-at-the-time tournament” – Dean Hegazi.

Send your letters to [email protected]. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our llythyr di-wobr o’r dydd is … Matt Dony.

THE RECAP

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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Mesut Özil has agreed a new three-year £350,000-a-week deal at Arsenal but has yet to dot the i’s and o’s on an actual contract.

Darren Ferguson’s pockets have been lightened to the tune of £1,000 after he said he would “shoot” League One’s “appalling” referees in a comment he later said was “tongue in cheek”.

Po’ Christian Benteke’s a-cold. Po’ Christian Benteke wants a-company. “Hopefully [Crystal Palace] can bring another quality player in,” he sobbed. “Have I missed playing with another striker? I felt I was lonely.”

Former Italy coach Azeglio Vicini, in charge of the team at the 1990 World Cup, has died at the age of 84. “[His] was a national team which played with heart, passion and entertained the Italians,” said the Italian FA.

And Tim Cahill will have to wait for his flamin’ Millwall debut because of puff-knack. “He’s not going to be fit for a couple of weeks,” parped manager Neil Harris. “He’s not done a lot in the last seven weeks since leaving Oz.”

STILL WANT MORE?

A transfer window for managers? It’s inevitable, but will happen for the wrong reasons, writes Marina Hyde.

Josh Harrop scored on his Manchester United debut but 33 days later he was a Preston North End player. He tells Ben Fisher about that decision and about his mum’s chicken stir-fry.

If Arjen Robben and Franck Ribéry leave Bayern Munich, they will depart as legends, so-says Jason Humphreys.

Footballers scoring past their siblings in competitive matches? It’s this week’s The Knowledge.

And, remember the day a non-league defender marked Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang.

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YUP, CHEERS