DRIVEN TO DISTRACTION
Do Liverpool wingers Sadio Mané and Mo Salah like each other? Is Everton midfielder Ross Barkley going to sign for Chelsea on the cheap? Are Liverpool going to buy a spanking new goalkeeper? Who’s upset Sam Allardyce with rumours about fit-again Yannick Bolasie’s future? What’s the latest on Philippe Coutinho’s move to Barcelona? And with so much behind-the-scenes intrigue bubbling around Merseyside’s two top-flight clubs, which numpty decided it would be a good idea to schedule a distracting FA Cup third-round match between the pair tonight, when stressed out supporters of both teams have so many more important things to worry about.
In a month when watching football seems to have been relegated to the status of largely second-rate entertainment behind tedious speculation about the buying and selling of those who play it, tonight’s Merseyside derby at Anfield should throw up some interesting talking points. Having finally secured the services of Virgil van Dijk from Southampton, Liverpool’s defence has now developed an air of impregnability that suggests there is a very good chance they will never, ever concede another goal. The giant Dutch portcullis has yet to make his Liverpool debut since signing for £75m and may do so tonight. With Liverpool having paid top dollar, expectations are high and Virgil will be expected to add some much-needed steel to a porous defence … much like highly regarded central defenders Dejan Lovren, Ragnar Klavan and Joël Matip were before him. That worked well.
Meanwhile, at Everton, Sam Allardyce has announced he’ll field the best side available to him, despite admitting that he doesn’t yet know what it is. Sadly for the few football fans among us who don’t pretend to watch Besiktas’s every game and are hoping to get our first look at new striker Cenk Tosun, the Turkey international will not be available for selection as he has not yet finalised his £27m move to Everton. “You can’t not go with your strongest side to Anfield,” said Allardyce. “We want to pick the best team we can to compete against Liverpool, but I can’t honestly tell you what my best team is yet.”
Despite escaping with a point after being hammered 1-1 at Anfield in one of Allardyce’s first matches in charge, Everton have not beaten their city rivals in more than seven years and can hardly rely on the rope-a-dope tactics they just about got away with four weeks ago. Such an approach would almost certainly see their hosts advance to the fourth round, while Big Sam and his squad advance to the now customary Allardyce-ian mid-winter warm-weather team-bonding session in Dubai.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’ve been invited by George to Liberia to attend the day where he will be made president. I believe I will be busy. But maybe if I’m suspended I’ll have time to go” – Arsène Wenger gives himself no excuse not to attend his old Monaco No9’s inauguration after admitting a misconduct charge that has earned him a three-match ban.
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FIVER LETTERS
“As David Ford admitted he won’t be reading yesterday’s Fiver, in which he won prizeless letter of the day, until at least the end of the month, couldn’t you have awarded him a special prize of, say, FIFA2018 with accompanying console and enormous TV, provided he claimed it by the end of next week? Just for comedy value, or ‘bantz’ or something?” – Robin Hazlehurst.
“One could be fooled for thinking Manchester Ciy’s Vincent Kompany had turned into a Manc version of Robin Hood, after demanding that Premier League ticket prices be significantly reduced. Just as we began to well up with admiration for the stopper, he revealed that he bases his argument on the fear that the prestige Premier League “product” could be damaged in the eyes of the broadcasters by football tourism and the like. Heaven forbid anyone would actually spare a thought for the blue-collared Citizens who are being financially stretched to follow their team. Priorities eh?” – Johnny Connelly.
“So on Wednesday night we can look forward to the sight of Arsène shouting at a video recorder. Truly Philip K Dick’s world has come to pass” – Philip Gibbs.
Send your letters to [email protected]. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Philip Gibbs.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Grown man Antonio Conte has said that José Mourinho is acting like he has “demenza senile” after taking the bait and reacting to recent provocative gum-flapping from the Manchester United boss.
Crystal Palace club captain Jason Puncheon is to stand trial in June for allegedly using his belt to assault a nightclub doorman. Puncheon denies all charges.
Ross Barkley has coughed for the doctor and done star jumps in his pants at Chelsea before a planned £15m move from Everton. “For sure he is a good prospect for Chelsea,” cheered Antonio Conte.
West Brom have been put on alert after news that Lionel Messi is available on a free!*
Ailsa from Home and Away says he won’t field a weakened team for Stoke’s 3-1 defeat at Coventry tomorrow. “Everybody’s gearing up for a potential upset, but we’ll have something to say about that,” he honked. “I’ve always gone strong in cup games.”
Carlos Carvalhal says he’s on a budget at Swansea. “I do look at the lobsters and sea bass, but we may have to buy sardines,” he trawlered. “We have money for sardines. But sometimes sardines can win games.”
Chris Hughton has “categorically” denied Brighton have got their feelers out for Celtic’s Moussa Dembélé. “There hasn’t been any communication between the clubs, hence he’s just one name,” he henced. “There are numerous other names, too.”
Crystal Palace manager Mr Roy says he’s not sure about having a video referee watching Monday’s game against Brighton from a cupboard in Heathrow. “How many times are you going to need to see an incident before you have an opinion?” he honked. “That’s my fear.”
And forget 2017’s bronze bust furore. Here’s Him fashioned from ice in Moscow.
* Lionel Messi is available on a free, if Catalonia cedes from Spain, Barcelona exit La Liga and then fail to join either the Premier League, the Bundesliga or Serie A as an alternative, which would trigger a reported zero-fee contract clause. In the unlikely event that those circumstances don’t arise, you’ll have to meet his €700m release fee instead.
THE RECAP
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STILL WANT MORE?
“In Dante’s Inferno hell is portrayed as a place where sinners enter a special cell designed to aggravate and mock their own worst excesses … thieves have their souls stolen and flatterers are pelted – quite literally – with bull sh!t. Welcome then, José, to your own Danteian circle.” It’s Barney Ronay!
Ten things to look out for in the 1,123,457 FA Cup third-round ties this weekend.
Mo Salah’s African award is just another step in his turbo-charged quest for a place in history, writes Gary Al-Smith.
Big changes at Norwich leave fans cold as Chelsea arrive in the Cup, writes Paul MacInnes.
“When I saw Arsenal lifting the FA Cup I started crying my eyes out.” Michael Butler gives Curtis Davies a shoulder to cry on.
David Moyes parked the bus at Spurs and canny West Ham swallowed the keys, writes Jacob Steinberg.
“Jamie Vardy helped get us where we are today,” says Fleetwood’s Nathan Pond in this chat with Louise Taylor before his side take on Leicester in the Cup.
If, like a dance-talent scout, checking out moves is your thing, our shiny transfer interactive is back with the latest January action in Europe’s top five leagues.
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