MÜLLER > KLAVAN > KANE > MESSI
2017 was a great year for Harry Kane, who achieved quite a high number in Random Stat Pulled Out Of Thin Air Six Years Ago To Establish Lionel Messi As A More Windswept And Interesting Character Than Gerd Müller (a process which was numerically but not spiritually successful, a fact on which The Fiver is sure everyone will agree). Kane’s RSPOOTASYATELMAAMWAICTGM tally of 56 goals, all for teams destined to fall agonisingly short in perpetuity, was simply stunning. But this calendar year has seen his form fall off a cliff. No goals and just one delightfully judged crossfield assist in 22 minutes of football at Swansea, which means in the 2018 scoring chart he lags behind Ragnar Klavan, while he’s only set up as many as Dejan Lovren. Bah, what a 12-month wonder! Bang go England’s hopes of a good World Cup. Shame on you, Harry.
Kane’s startling decline is perhaps the only big story of 2018 so far, with the rest of the Premier League action since the turn of the year being a tad underwhelming, that is if you ignore Ailsa from Home and Away nearly getting himself sacked, civil war threatening to break out at Southampton and Jake Livermore wandering into the crowd with a view to dispensing righteous justice. So here’s hoping Wednesday’s showdown between Arsenal and Chelsea throws up some entertainment. A bench-emptying brawl, perhaps, or a free-flowing end-to-end spectacular, for those who think of the kids. Anything is possible when these two clubs meet, after all. The last 11 matches alone have thrown up a 6-0 win for Chelsea, a pyrrhic 3-0 victory for Arsenal which inspired the vanquished to the league title, a double-denying FA Cup for Arsenal, and six red cards, one awarded through mistaken identity. More please, everyone!
Ah, but let’s not get our hopes up too much. While Arsenal have scored in each of their last 24 Premier League games at the Emirates, they’ve failed to find the net in seven of the last nine league matches against their Fulham Broadway foes. Chelsea meanwhile have conceded just one goal in their last five outings, and when the teams met at Stamford Bridge earlier in the season the match petered out into a goalless meh, despite the late over-excited stylings of David Luiz. Arsenal will hope the Rumour Mill’s Mesut Özil passes a late fitness test, for they really need the win. Anything else would cut them adrift in sixth, potentially as many as five points behind fifth spot should Tottenham bring the festive period to a close on Thursday with victory over West Ham. Of course, that particular outcome would require useless old Kane to finally rediscover his mojo after his long barren spell. And what a story that would be. The comeback of 2018? It’d be in the bag already.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Scott Murray from 7.45pm GMT for hot MBM coverage of Arsenal 1-2 Chelsea.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“My main focus at the moment is to help Preston climb the Championship” – even after scooping €1m in the Irish lottery – with a ticket given to him as a Christmas present by his uncle – Preston North End’s Kevin O’Connor remains unflappable in terms of footballer-speak.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
FIVER LETTERS
“You said yesterday that you had a break over Christmas period. Sorry, but I missed it. Can you repeat it please so that I am up to date?” – Skip Koblintz.
“It says a lot about the bland comprehensively mid-table football served up under Mark Warburton at the City Ground that he was left off The Fiver’s Christmas Done One List. Mind you, ‘Forest sack manager’ is a 21st century ‘Dog bites man’ headline” – Andy Taylor.
“Re: Phil Coutinho and that Nike ad (yesterday’s Fiver). Coutinho is perhaps the third best player at the fourth-placed club in the Premier League. Meanwhile, Barcelona have a nine-point lead in La Liga. If Nike feel Barcelona are so lacking in stars they need to build a campaign around a transfer target, aren’t Barça the offended party? Also, will the actual Coutinho shirts end up in the Arda Turan discount pile in two years?” – Christopher Smith.
“Can you tell me what Max Branning was doing holding a ‘Hughes Out’ paper banner (yesterday’s main picture) when he should be busy down the East End sorting out problems at Walford and the local club. That Wilmott-Brown fellow taking over the Community Centre along with the chippy, the caff and The Vic has had me worried all over Christmas. What next, a middle eastern potentate taking over the Rovers Return?” – Peter Johnson.
Send your letters to [email protected]. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Andy Taylor.
THE RECAP
Get the best of Big Website’s coverage sent direct to your inbox every Friday lunchtime (GMT). Has the added bonus of being on time. Sign up here.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Jake Livermore has told West Brom officials that a remark directed towards him in relation to his baby son, who died in 2014, prompted him to become involved in an altercation with a West Ham fan during the Hammers’ 2-1 win.
David Silva has announced his son is “fighting day by day” after being born prematurely. “I want to thank all of you for the love and good wishes received in the last few weeks,” he said.
Falkirk have apologised after Dunfermline’s Dean Shiels – who lost an eye in 2006 – had fake eyeballs thrown at him during Tuesday’s game. “This needs to stop now,” said the club. “We will look to take action against anyone identified from [the] game and will not allow this disgraceful behaviour to be repeated.”
Fifa is now investigating after Rhian Brewster told the Guardian his England team-mate Morgan Gibbs-White was racially abused by a Spanish opponent during the Under-17 World Cup final.
Liverpool, who want at least £130m from Barcelona for Philippe Coutinho, will be without the Brazilian in Friday’s FA Cup third-round derby against Everton as he continues to receive treatment on thigh-gah.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year: Premier League winter break chat. “We are going to kill [players],” parped Pep Guardiola after Manchester City’s 3-1 win over Watford saw Kyle Walker suffer thigh-ouch. “The bosses have to reflect. It’s not normal to play 31st [December] and two days later. It’s not basketball or tennis – the players need recovery.”
January = Bayern Munich further reinforcing their Bundesliga dominance, hence their impending snaffle of Leon Goretzka.
And Villarreal’s top scorer Cédric Bakambu is heading off to Beijing Guoan. “It is in the interest of all parties,” cheered coach Javi Calleja.
STILL WANT MORE?
Which three footballers appear on the cover of Definitely Maybe? The Knowledge has the answer.
Our shiny transfer interactive is back with all the latest January moves in Europe’s top five leagues.
And the Mill has more Arda Turan chat, among other things.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!