WITH APOLOGIES TO DR SEUSS
Every coach down in Coachville liked Christmas a lot
But the Pep who lived just outside Coachville did NOT!
The Pep hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season
For to take attention from football was treason
He had lived in some countries whose greatest mistake
Was to each year declare a midwinter break
In this nation the programme it never abated
But good cheer and big lunches Pep never had rated
It wasn’t by chance that last year, so downhearted
He declared that “the process of goodbye has started”
He told football writers, “of this I am sure,
My career will last just a year or two more”
Now a year it had passed and despite some achievements
This season for him was the worst of bereavements
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the coaches
Who to him were no better than Christmas c0ckroaches
For he knew every coach down in Coachville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath
And plotting, as sure as one breathes and exhales
To improve their poor teams in the January sales
Then he growled, with his Pep fingers constantly drumming,
“I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!”
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
The Pep got a wonderful, awful idea!
So to give their morale the most terrible bushwhack
He called up his old friend Khaldoon al-Mubarak
“I know how to destroy these most horrible men
“I will sign up not for one more year but 10!
“My rivals will surely all choke on their turkey
“If they knew I would be here for longer than Fergie!”
And before the coaches’ last cracker had gone crack
He’d verbally agreed a new 20-year contract
He’d stay there forever, he’d stay there for sure
Til José Mourinho Mourinhoed no more
Til the dreadful and ghastly Antonio Conte
Said “uh oh, uh oh, oh no, no” like Beyoncé
When the newspapers carried this news, it was true
That every coach down in Coachville cried Boo Hoo!
And what happened then? Well, in Coachville they say
That Pep’s head it grew three more sizes that day
But perhaps nobody should mind what he said
For next year he’ll say something quite different instead
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Simon Burnton from 8pm GMT for hot MBM coverage of Everton 3-0 Swansea City.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We always judge sports people, and footballers in particular, by the games they play, what trophies they win. But in the end we’re all judged as people, and what was clear from the tributes across the game was the respect for Ugo as a person, his nature, his humility and his values. I wish I’d had the chance to sit and have a beer with him and tell him what I thought of him. His death made me think about how often, if ever, we let people know that we love and respect them. I would have loved the opportunity to tell him” – in his tribute to the late Ugo Ehiogu, England manager Gareth Southgate delivers some beautifully selected words.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
We go behind the scenes on Birmingham derby day with fans and the police.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
FIVER LETTERS
“I’m asking questions about commentators’ ‘cliché of the year’. Are there any answers?” – Brian Chadbourne.
“I was pleased to hear that Plough Lane is actually in Merton (Friday’s Fiver letters). I’m sure that helps their attendance figures since, as we all know, one does not simply walk into Morden” – Scott Pratt.
“I see that Peter Oh (last Wednesday’s Fiver) makes reference to Weird Uncle Fiver missing the most memorable American celebration in almost 20 years. Perhaps Weird Uncle Fiver should speak to Shortbread McFiver about Alex Schalk’s celebration in the 2015 Scottish League Cup final?” – Sean Atkins.
“As well as its 100 best footballers in the world, I do hope Big Website will be doing its ‘100 best footballers announcing retirement that you had assumed retired quietly five years ago’. If so, they can add Kaká to the list. At this rate I’ll be looking forward to Andy ‘Andrew’ Cole retiring from England duty again” – Noble Francis.
“Please could the Football Weekly guests be listed so that I do not have to go to the trouble of downloading and listening to the introductions if there is someone I do not enjoy. More often than not a good listen. Many thanks” – Lee Pettifer.
Send your letters to [email protected]. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Scott Pratt, who wins a copy of Matchdays: The Hidden Story of the Bundesliga, by Ronald Reng. We’ve got more prizes to give away though, so keep typing.
THE RECAP
Get the best of Big Website’s coverage sent direct to your inbox every Friday lunchtime (GMT). Has the added bonus of being on time. Sign up here.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Antoine Griezmann has belatedly done that not-really-apologising thing, despite posting an image of himself on assorted social media disgraces with his face and body painted black as part of a party costume. “If I offended some people I’m sorry,” he parped.
Greater Manchester police are investigating an incident of alleged racially aggravated assault on Raheem Sterling. “Officers are treating it as a hate crime,” said a spokesperson.
Crystal Palace will decide whether to fine Jason Puncheon after the club captain was charged with assault and possession of an offensive weapon following a night out at trendy Reigate nightspot Mishiko.
Migrant workers constructing stadiums for the Qatar World Cup continue to be trapped in a vicious cycle of debt and exploitation, according to new research by Amnesty International. “Nepali migrant workers are being systematically and mercilessly set up,” said the organisation’s James Lynch.
Mikel John Obi insists he won’t be leaving Tianjin Teda to join Everton in January. “I want to stay in the Chinese Super League and play for Teda,” he tooted. “I’m sure there will be lots of speculation about me as the transfer window nears but this is a false rumour.”
West Ham boss David Moyes seems surprised by the FA’s decision to charge Manuel Lanzini for diving to win a penalty at Stoke. “The referee was 10 yards from the ball with nothing blocking his vision,” he blabbed. “It is clear to see the defender makes an attempt to go for the ball and doesn’t get it. From my point of view, they are going against the referee, whoever the panel were.”
And it’s finally over at 69, after Hearts ended the Queen’s Celtic’s unbeaten run with a 4-0 gubbing at Tynecastle. “They were the better team,” smiled Brendan Rodgers. “But I also want to congratulate my players. They have been absolutely amazing over those 18 months.”
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Get yourself some fresh Football Weekly in this general direction. Max Rushden, Barry Glendenning, Jonathan Wilson and Philippe Auclair, Lee.
STILL WANT MORE?
Get your 10 Premier League talking points while they’m toasty.
Milan are in quite the funk, reports Paolo Bandini.
Get a load of all the late <hands to face>drama!</hands to face> in the Bundesliga, with Andy Brassell.
Las Palmas could be hurtling towards relegation amid their maverick address-book appointment efforts, so says Sid Lowe.
Florian Thauvin’s Tyneside tux seems a long way away, write Adam White and Eric Devin.
Jeremy Alexander checked in on the AFC Wimbledon party and found a Jacobs cracker.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!