The Fiver | The enraging power of the Redz effect

ETHICS WORLD CUP DRAW

Fifa’s Fiver-baiting with a deadline-ruining 3pm GMT kick-off for its Russia 2018 draw means that, at the time of sending, nothing has happened. For all the latest news from Moscow, join Simon Burnton’s plastic-ball-by-plastic-ball coverage.

PEP TALK

The Fiver likes to cultivate an arresting organic fragrance that, if we were to bottle it, would best be marketed under the brandname Eau Good Grief. But we know that other people prefer factory-made aromas, the sort you see promoted in TV ads in which one spray of the whiffy concoction turns a seemingly ordinary man into such a desirable hunk that women are instantly liberated of their senses and clothes and go running through barbed-wire fences just to rub themselves against the sweet-smelling Apollo. Eau Give Over, and things like that.

The Fiver has never been persuaded to fork out for such a product. But that’s only because Nathan Redmond has never made one. If Eau de Redz ever became available, you’d see The Fiver pegging down to the shops faster than a post-op Benny Mendy in search of a photo op. Because something about Redmond gives off a heck of a pull, causing normally lucid people to do and say the strangest things. For instance, no sooner had Claude Puel, Monsieur Murmur himself, got a nostril-full of Redmond than he started raving loudly about the young Englishman being the second coming of Thierry Henry; and then, on Wednesday, Pep Guardiola was so overwhelmed by admiration for Redmond that he could not keep his hands off the player following Manchester City’s victory over Southampton, simultaneously brushing against him and bawling at the 23-year-old for being so irresistibly dashing.

Guardiola made quite the spectacle of himself, suggesting that he is integrating well into England, a country where even cricketers greet each other with headbutts. But apparently one national organ was not convinced by the manager’s account of events, so The S*n commissioned a lip-reader to give the real skinny on what Guardiola had said. And The S*n then went and published the lipreader’s version even though it claimed that the Catalan: a) insulted the winger by calling him something that sounds like winger but contains an ‘a’ and a ‘k’; and b) accused him of trying “to make a mug of me”. Perhaps, given the lingo he was apparently speaking, the Catalan concluded by saying “c’mon geezer, I can ‘ardly Adam and Eve it, innit”.

“I want to make it absolutely clear Pep Guardiola did not say what The [S*n] is falsely claiming,” piped up Redmond on social media atrocity Twitter. “Yes, he was very passionate, intense and aggressive but he was only complimentary and positive to me … He commented on my qualities as a young English player and how he wanted me to attack his team more during the game, in a similar way to last season.” All of which might not be considered to be complimentary or positive to Southampton’s manager, Mauricio Pellegrino, who was effectively publicly reprimanded by Guardiola for misusing his £10m player. On the other hand, perhaps it was a complement to Pellegrino, whose job was, after all, to drive Guardiola potty. The FA has asked City’s manager to explain his action in more detail. All Guardiola has to do is invite testimonies from Southampton fans, who can all vouch for the enraging power of the Redz effect.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Obviously I’ve never done anything like this before. But it got better the more I did it. I think there are a lot of very funny moments. I love the Jungle Book and I’m delighted that Disney asked me to play a role in Coco. What I like about the film is that it’s very funny, but also very emotional. In particular, the skeletons in the land of the dead are really funny” – Peru striker Claudio Pizarro, 78, takes a break from warming the Cologne bench to voice a skeleton who really wants to watch a football match in the German language version of the upcoming cartoon.

Some new bones, earlier.



Some new bones, earlier. Photograph: Pixar/AP

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FIVER LETTERS

“You often hear older folk stating that they had it tougher in their day. Consider the lot of the small boy or girl who is an avid English footie fan now. In our day you had 92 clubs who maybe had a new member every three or four years through re-election and who always played at the same ground. Therefore once you knew the teams, nicknames and grounds of the Football League, your work was done. Now you have two new clubs every year through promotion and many clubs who move to a new ground. On top of that, and worst of all, clubs regularly change their ground name due to sponsorship. Now that’s tough. Hats off to the young folk who manage to keep up with that. I would have offered a ‘shout out’ but you have to draw the line of sympathy somewhere” – Jack Mignall.

“Now that Sadiq Khan has taken over Taxpayers FC’s home, surely it should be called ‘the Mayorcanã’?” – Jim Hearson.

“Based on recent form, surely West Ham’s ground should be referred to as ‘Estadio de Lose’” – Lucas Telfer.

“Plastic bottles, paper, gold watches, Diego Maradona … OK, Fifa knows how to throw a recycling party (yesterday’s Fiver), but does it reuse those draw-balls? If not, could they send them my way so I can use them for my upcoming draw for the 1994 World Cup finals? That’s the point in football history I have reached since deciding to recreate the English and Scottish league seasons plus European club championships, European Championships and World Cups since the 1983-84 season by dice throw. Who would have thought England would defeat Belgium on penalties in the final of the 1986 World Cup? The dice do not lie” – Kevin McKee.

“Re: yesterday’s Fiver and its assertion that no footballing legend wants to see an arena strewn with empty crisp packets; can I be one of the 1,057 to point out that this scenario would probably please the co-hosting Gary Lineker hugely – providing the empty packets were his brand of choice” – Ben Williams (and 1,056 others).

“Re: rubbish ‘derby titles’ (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Before anyone dare suggest it, the Pompey v Saints derby is not known as ‘El Coastico’ and don’t even get me started on the media-invented ‘Dockyard Derby’. Birmingham is closer to us than Plymouth” – Ben North.

Send your letters to [email protected]. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Jack Mignall, who wins a copy of Football Manager 2018, thanks to the good people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got plenty more to give away, so keep typing.

THE RECAP

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BITS AND BOBS

A “catalogue of errors” and “bungled” decision-making means running the Dild0d0me is costing the taxpayer £20m a year, so says a report instigated by Lahndan mayor Sadiq Khan, who has taken over the running of the stadium from Newham Council. Surely this shambles can’t be true, Boris? Boris? Boris! “We welcome the mayor’s decision to step in,” cheered a Taxpayers FC statement.

Shocked.



Shocked. Photograph: Tony O’Brien/Reuters

Gordon Banks has revealed his disgust at the absolute states of people who reported fake news of his death. “It was a disgrace. I just could not believe anybody would think of doing something like that,” he said. “It’s absolutely ridiculous. My great grandson saw it at school. One of the children told him and he couldn’t stop crying. What a thing to happen. It was disgusting. Nobody has apologised.”

Stoke boss Ailsa from Home and Away reckons referee Martin Atkinson’s failure to send off Simon Mignolet means he should be stripped of his whistle this weekend. “I don’t see why he should be refereeing,” he fumed. “It was a pretty straightforward decision in my view and it wasn’t made.”

Oxford City boss Mark Jones hopes barber Godfrey Poku and his fellow part-timers can prove to be … wait for it … a cut above in Saturday’s FA Cup second-round game at Notts County. “Godfrey, our central midfielder, has done great for us over the past couple of seasons,” tooted Jones. “He is a barber in south London – although judging by his own barnet I am not sure how many clients he gets.”

And EhJohnEhBarnes says the reason he nailed his World in Motion rap was because he’d been on the Tin. “I was p!ssed … we were all drunk and just did it. It’s not a hard thing to do, is it?”

STILL WANT MORE?

Ten things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend, including Mauricio Pochettino attaching some jump leads to his spluttering Spurs side.

How do you like these apples, roars our 32-team Ethics World Cup guide.

Here you go.



Here you go. Photograph: Getty Images

Russia’s systematic doping at Sochi 2014 hastaken the gloss off the draw, writes Martha Kelner.

Barney Ronay on Gary Lineker and said tombola.

Working out what to do with all 997 of Everton’s No10s and the problem of having former Liverpool player Sammy Lee as his assistant are just two of five key things for Sam Allardyce to address at Everton, writes Paul Wilson.

Nemanja Matic’s simple but effective work at Manchester United reminds us that all great teams need a midfield water carrier, writes Liam Rosenior.

A few alleged dinosaur managers may be back in town but the Premier League is not Jurassic Park – it’s open and progressive, cheers Sachin Nakrani.

Arsenal have found their groove but, remember, they’re still Arsenal and could fall apart like a clown’s car at anytime, is the general gist of this Jonathan Wilson piece.

Luke Shaw to Newcastle? A “magician” to Manchester United? It’s the Rumour Mill.

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ONE MORE STADIUM TALE FOR THE ROAD. BEST OF LUCK, OWEN