The Fiver | The kind of footballing hard man other footballing hard men kneel before

SOMEONE YOU WOULD NOT FORK WITH

In his book, I Think Therefore I Play, Andrea Pirlo recalls his b@nter-tastic times with the Italian national team and one particularly jolly jape he and Daniele De Rossi used to play on another team-mate. One would hide under the player in question’s bed while another would go in his wardrobe, then the pair would wait as long as it took for the player in question to enter his room and get ready for bed and slip between the covers. “Just as he was about to fall asleep, Daniele would reach up from under the bed and grab his sides, while I’d burst out of the wardrobe like the worst kind of lover, making horrendous noises,” wrote Pirlo. Considering the target of their practical joke was Gennaro “Rino” Gattuso, one can’t help but wonder who the real victims were. “Rino took it really well, despite risking massive heart-attacks,” wrote Pirlo. “First he’d beat up Daniele and then he’d do the same to me, just to prove he was even-handed.” On other occasions, Pirlo added, Gattuso would stab team-mates making fun of him during meal-times with a kitchen fork, sometimes causing wounds so serious the objects of his revenge were unable to train.

The kind of footballing hard man other footballing hard men kneel before in supplication, Rino Gattuso wasn’t so much born as quarried in the small town of Corigliano Calabro, whose location on Italy’s boot perhaps offers some explanation why its most famous son became so good at kicking people for a living. Never the most skilful of players, the Italian remains a cult hero at the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers, where he spent a season before eventually rocking up at Milan, where he spent 13 more. With the Italian side having failed to score at home in four consecutive games and already 18 points off the pace being set by Serie A leaders Napoli, Gattuso has been put in charge after the club hierarchy lost patience with manager Vincenzo Montella and promoted the bearded terror from their youth set-up. Nobody seems quite sure whether or not Rino (the Italian for “rhino” and an homage to his nuanced style of play) has got the gig permanently and chances are everyone with an ounce of sense is afraid to ask. Of course, like Duncan Ferguson at Everton, it would take an exceptionally brave man to tell him his services are no longer required.

With mystery continuing to surround the exact probity and origins of the Chinese finances with which Milan supported their massive summer splurge on several big-name stars, only to get considerably worse, Gattuso is probably a good man to have in charge. Should results continue to go badly, he will need a hide similar to that of the animal from which his nickname derives. During a fairly undistinguished managerial career to date, Gattuso took charge of the Greek side OFI Crete, who were beset with financial difficulties and stony broke. On one occasion, he went full Rino, ranting and raving about how lazy his players were and demanding they “show some balls” … before revealing they were playing without actually getting paid. Milan’s under-performing players are likely to be subjected to a similar volley of abuse in the coming days and any who don’t listen will run the risk of a violent four-pronged assault in the training-ground canteen.

QUOTES OF THE DAY

“I wanted a new challenge. The rugby club has a banqueting facility and is opening up a new restaurant. I wish [Morecambe] all the best luck in the world. It was one of the best parts of my career. I hope everything works out for the club” – after jumping ship to Kendal Rugby Club, expect muted celebrations from Morecambe’s former award-winning pie chef, Graham Aimson, if the pastries at his new job beat the offerings from his old one.

Our search for a suitable picture took us to Morecambe’s last game, a 1-1 draw with Carlisle at Brunton Park, where they bring out stuffed animal Olga the Fox before kick-off. For more details, search for ‘Harry Pearson’, ‘Carlisle’ and ‘dead animals’.



Our search for a suitable picture took us to Morecambe’s last game, a 1-1 draw with Carlisle at Brunton Park, where they bring out stuffed animal Olga the Fox before kick-off. For more details, search for ‘Harry Pearson’, ‘Carlisle’ and ‘dead animals’. Photograph: Paul Currie/BPI/Rex/Shutterstock

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FIVER LETTERS

“I read Barry Glendenning’s article on the entertaining conflict between Proper Football Men and sentient stat-borgs with interest. In the USA! USA!! USA!!! we’ve been having the same argument for going on 20 years, and the stat-borgs ultimately won. However, I found the description of the what the stat-borgs do as ‘sabermetrics’ unsettling. As you are no doubt aware, the term arises from the Society for American Baseball Research, which is a completely inappropriate term for football research. The best I could do was ‘Football In-play Values Research’ so I could call it ‘Fivermetrics’. I leave it to the Proper Football People to find something better” – Rick Collarini.

“I was very disappointed on Friday to read you referring to Taxpayers FC’s home ground as the ‘D1ldoDome’. I would have thought The Fiver’s world-beating laziness would have meant you conflate these words to simply the ‘D1ldome’? Or was it just a case you were too lazy to take a short-cut? If that is the case, I doff my hat to you in recognition of your new high standards of laziness” – Declan Keane.

“In the five or so years since I first started reading The Fiver, the reactions it has drawn from me usually range from nothing to a small sigh. However, Friday’s entire opening gambit on Taxpayers FC and the optimism being knocked out of them in a manner similar to the Andy Carroll special, resulted in a slight, half-grin at the corner of my mouth. Excellent work, have a Tin on me and let’s toast to the next five years of mirthless emails” – Byron Adu-Boakye.

Send your letters to [email protected]. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Rick Collarini, who wins a copy of Football Manager 2018, thanks to the good people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got plenty more to give away, so keep typing.

THE RECAP

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BITS AND BOBS

For Pete’s sake, someone give David Unsworth a hug. “It’s killing me,” Unsworth said about the uncertainty over his position after his Everton side were given another chasing at Southampton. “The club has to decide and the sooner that happens the better. The players need this resolving.”

Wait? What’s tha … BAH GAWD! THAT’S BIG SAM’S MUSIC!

Oh Everton.



Oh Everton. Photograph: James Marsh/BPI/Rex/Shutterstock

Petr Cech thinks Arsenal can still fight for the title, which is pretty adorable.

Romelu Lukaku will not find himself on the naughty step after suggestions he hoofed Brighton’s Bong up the hole at the weekend were ultimately unfounded.

Eden Hazard has revealed he saw Danny Drinkwater in Chelsea’s midfield at Liverpool and decided he’d be better off trying to dribble through his opponents rather than passing. “Danny Drinkwater was on the pitch … the only player around me was Álvaro Morata, so if we wanted to win we had to do something together, just me and him,” he spouted.

This might not be the most shocking thing in the world, but the gender pay gap in football is wider than pretty much any other industry, according to a survey.

Put on those dancin’ shoes, West Brom fans, Handsome Pards could be back, back, back, after having talks with the Baggies about taking their managerial gig.

Fresh off that shellacking in Paris, the Queen’s Celtic romped to Skol Cup glory over Motherwell. “A fourth trophy in 12 months is a phenomenal achievement,” whooped Brendan Rodgers.

And York City striker Gary Martin, who only joined the club earlier this month, has left the club over “a disciplinary issue”, amid reports he’s also been playing for a Sunday league team.

STILL WANT MORE?

Need some opinions to pass off as your own? We’ve got 10 of them here, all about the Premier League weekend just gone. You’re welcome.

Ten [talking points vidiprinter].



Ten [talking points vidiprinter]. Composite: Getty Images, Reuters, Rex/Shutterstock

A few months ago Peter Bosz was the man who put the fizz back into Ajax. Now he’s the man who forgot to put the lid back on Borussia Dortmund and left it out on the side, so they’re all warm and flat.

It doesn’t seem long ago that Gary Neville was doing his thang at Valencia. Sid Lowe pitched up at Mestalla to see them push Barcelona all the way.

Paolo Bandini on the great Milan regression.

Which side is Barry Glendenning on in the aforementioned great war between stats poindexters and thigh-grabbing b@nter merchants? The answer lies within …

Kylian Mbappé is playing like the really good kid at school who’s better than everyone else and won’t pass the ball. So say Adam White and Eric Devin in our French football round-up.

Grrr. That’s the sound of some terriers being all terrier-y and gruff. That’s Huddersfield, that is, and Paul Doyle is here to tell you all about them.

Do you reckon ‘El Glosico’ will catch on? Hopefully not. Jeremy Alexander was there to see the first Gloucestershire derby in the Football League between Forest Green Rovers and Cheltenham Town.

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