BIG CUP RUNNETH OVER
As fans of lower league clubs will no doubt agree, the struggles of Premier League sides in Big Cup in recent seasons is no laughing matter. National pride has taken a fair few dents on the continent in the five years since Roberto Di Matteo’s Chelsea defied logic by beating Bayern Munich in the final, from Louis van Gaal subbing on Nick Powell for Juan Mata when Manchester United needed a goal in Wolfsburg to Arsenal’s annual last-16 farce, to King Brenny playing the reserves at the Bernabéu and Claudio Bravo pretending to be Leo Messi at the Nou Camp, which has led to a sombre mood up and down the count … hang on a minute! Wipe that smirk off your face! Stop giggling, the lot of you! It isn’t funny! It’s a national tragedy! Ask anyone from Portsmouth or Blackburn or Hartlepool, they’ll tell you how much pain it causes to see the big clubs suffer in Europe. Honestly, some people. No respect.
Not that the haters and traitors have had much to cheer this season, what with Our Brave Big Cup Boys finally realising that their European foes aren’t all they’re made out to be. There have been shellackings for powerhouses Napoli and Atlético Madrid, whoppings of whipping boys Maribor, FC Qarabag and Real Madrid, unceremonious dismissals of the likes of Benfica and Borussia Dortmund, and let’s gloss over what happened to Chelsea in Rome because that doesn’t fit with The Fiver’s narrative. This is indisputably a wonderful state of affairs, and all we’ve needed to get to this point is bundles of television cash, an influx of oil-drenched moolah, the arrival of several top managers, and the staunch patriotic backing of $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver, who never gave up hope of a better future, even when David Moyes unleashed Marouane Fellaini on Pep’s Bayern.
It’s all brought us to the point where tonight is set to be a night of pride for English football. Tottenham can seal top spot in Group H by condemning struggling Bundesliga hipsters Borussia Dortmund to the League of Arsenal, Liverpool can secure their place in the last 16 by becoming the first away side to win at Sevilla since 22 November 2016 and Manchester City can continue their emphatic progress by showing Feyernoord – and, indeed, every other fallen power from a poorer league – that it isn’t 1970 any more. Make no mistake, this is a time of deep joy, and anyone who argues otherwise, suggesting that this is all coming at the expense of variety and sporting fairness, that financial inequality doesn’t seem to matter so much now it isn’t just being implemented by Barcelona, Bayern and Real, will be deemed guilty of treason and subjected to a course of re-education at $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver’s local.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I came to England and I had never spoken English very well. Some guys said to me ‘if the gaffer comes to the dressing room, say to him ‘Scottish b@stard’, you know like ‘hello Scottish b@stard’. I said it and everybody was laughing. [Lord Ferg] as well. He smiled because he understood I didn’t speak English very well” – Andrei Kanchelskis lifts the lid on some mid-90s Manchester United dressing room b@ntz.
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It’s your boy Squires on Chris Coleman, Sunderland and Tony Pulis.
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FIVER LETTERS
“So disgruntled Hammers fans have been dialing ‘999’ to complain about their team’s poor form [Monday’s Fiver]? May I suggest that the emergency number that their [flamin’] Australian-based cousins call is somewhat easier to remember: ‘000’ (nil, nil, nil)” – Allastair McGillivray.
“A panel of experts is being convened purely to judge on whether Everton’s striker dived? Niasse work if you can get it” – Jim Hearson.
“Picking up one of the gauntlets thrown down by Mr Markus in Monday’s Fiver letters, who asked: ‘who improved their team-mates the most?’ Can I nominate Thomas Brolin. The expansive Swedish international, not only made his footballing peers at Nasty Leeds and Palace appear to be so much better, but fitter too” – Danny Fox.
“Re. Colchester’s missing drum [Monday’s Fiver]. With the festive season approaching you may get to revisit this story, and quote some anonymous club suit thus: ‘We are confident we will find the Little Drummer Boy,’ he parupapompommed” – Declan Houton.
“One thing I’ve been amazed at since Pep Guardiola took over at City is how easily he seems to be amazed. He’s amazed at how gentle Tony Pulis is. He’s amazed at Fabian Delph playing at full-back. From a man who’s worked with Lionel Messi, his frames of reference are all over the place. Looking forward to him declaring tonight’s routine home win against Feyenoord ‘my greatest night in football’” –David Hunter.
“It’s good to see that the Chris Coleman, the new Sunderland manager, is vowing to introduce a ‘no excuses’ culture. Anyone else wishing to join him on the hypocritical highway (not a real motorway or A road) may wish to note this” – Noble Francis.
Send your letters to [email protected]. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Allastair McGillivray, who wins a copy of Football Manager 2018, thanks to the good people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got plenty more to give away, so keep typing.
THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
The FA has charged Everton’s Oumar Niasse with simulation after the striker was deemed to have channeled his inner Tom Daley to win a penalty in Saturday’s draw at Crystal Palace.
Amanda Staveley’s Dubai-based financial advisory something-or-other-insert-acronym-here-and-partners has formally offered Mike Ashley around £300m for Newcastle United. Mike Ashley has formally told her to do one.
Sydney FC completed a domestic treble after beating Adelaide 2-1 in an FFA Cup final that jumped to life in extra-time when a flamin’ ball boy who refused to do his job was bundled to the ground by Adelaide galah Michael Marrone, leading to a mass brawl involving Australian fuzz. “I said sorry to the boy and his dad — what happened was not in the character of Mickey, he is a very quiet boy,” sniffed Adelaide boss Marco Kurz.
Fifa’s ethics committee has probably hit the pub for congratulatory drinks all round after giving life bans to the former presidents of the Guam, Nicaragua and Venezuela football associations for corruption.
Chris Coleman reckons that by sacrificing himself for the doomed Sunderland cause no one can accuse him of putting any more pressure on under-fire Premier League managers. “I’ve seen it before where managers are struggling, managers out of work in directors’ boxes smooching around directors because they’re looking for that job with the guy in the dug-out going through absolute hell,” he blathered. “Not one person can point a finger at me and say: ‘He’s a vulture’.”
And Fraserburgh chief suit Finlay Noble added a refreshing dose of realism to news that his Highland League side had drawn Newc Pope’s O’Rangers in the Scottish Cup. “We are under no illusions about this, we will lose the tie for sure,” he deadpanned.
STILL WANT MORE?
Big Cup previews! Get all your Big Cup previews here.
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Chelsea and Manchester City are transforming the women’s domestic game in England, writes Suzanne Wrack, which combined with the switch to a winter season is making the top English sides a force to be reckoned with in Europe.
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