The Fiver | Oh Ireland!

WHEN IRISH EYES ARE CRYING

Republic O’Ireland manager Martin O’Neill is never slow when it comes to blowing his own trumpet, but was left playing a sad trombone on Tuesday night. The man who famously reminded Fabio Cannavaro and Patrick Vieira he’d won two Big Cups before asking “how many have you two won?” during a stint of World Cup punditry was left harking back to former glories once again after watching his team get ripped asunder by a combination of his and their own ineptitude, plus a free-scoring Christian Eriksen at the Aviva Stadium.

Quizzed by RTÉ’s man Tony O’Donoghue about the tomfoolery that involved the removal of both his central midfielders at half-time, in the process granting Eriksen the freedom of the pitch, it was put to O’Neill that O’Ireland’s efforts descended into “something of a shambles”. Was it in fact “a humiliation”, the visibly chippy manager was asked, by an interrogator whose performance was arguably the most committed of any O’Irishman in the stadium.

Unimpressed with the shoeing he was getting when he was already down and out, O’Neill was prepared to grudgingly concede that “we were well beaten”, before reminding O’Donoghue that O’Ireland actually beat Germany not so long ago … albeit by fluke in a totally different competition. He then gave him his filthiest of stink-eyes before scampering off with the air about him of a man who’s just remembered those World Cup 2018 punditry gigs are likely to be snapped up fast and he should really get his Mr 15% on the case.

Quite what the long-term future holds for O’Neill or O’Ireland remains to be seen. Tuesday’s slaughter could spell the international end for several senior players, while many of the self-styled best fans in the world demonstrated their loyalty by rushing to the exits with more than 15 minutes to go. At a World Cup in a country where where fan violence is actively encouraged by some government officials, the heartwarming comedy relief provided by Theme Pub O’Fiver and his wacky compatriots is bound to be sorely missed. Whether it’s creepily scaring elderly nuns on trains or young women in the street, the Green Army pride themselves on the kind of joie de vivre that was in decidedly short supply when Nicklas Bendtner completed their humiliation.

But with the Irish bandwagon ground to a halt the Danish one has just got rolling. “Just to say, ‘Thank you very much for giving us space,’ because [O’Ireland] locked us down in Parken very well and Eriksen was very much out of the game and today he was fantastic,” said Danish manager Age Hareide. They were cruel parting words for poor beaten Paddy to take, but at least he’ll always have Martin O’Neill’s Big Cups as consolation.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Who wins more?? Let’s draw our conclusions, I’m mad because they give away our prestige, but the players are not the ones to blame, I WANT TO RETURN!!!” – Diego Maradona gives Jorge Sampaoli this ringing endorsement after Argentina’s 4-2 defeat by Nigeria.

Diego Maradona



‘Just when I thought I was out …’ Photograph: Mike Hewitt/FIFA via Getty Images

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FIVER LETTERS

“In response to Jimmy O’Brien’s request for any football-related Neighbours stories (Fivers passim): my daughter used to play in a juniors team here in Melbourne, with the daughter of Australian comedian Greg Fleet, best known to Neighbours fans as the man who killed Daphne. I also once saw Stefan Dennis, aka Paul Robinson, kicking a ball about in my local park, does that count?” – Tim Grey.

“Re: Tuesday’s Bits and Bobs, Arsène Wenger would be a great choice for England in 2022. Given the lack of success we’ve had over the past several decades, the fourth place trophy would be positively spiffing” – Stephen Yoxall.

“David Broome wanting to see what optimistic panic looks like (Fivers passim): try here” – Alan Belton.

“Italy’s failure is indeed humiliating, but it launches a new competition. Weighing the, erm, weight of their pedigree against USA! USA!! USA!!!’s failure to win their crunch match against Concacaf giants Trinidad & Tobago versus the difficulties of the respective groups means that the greater embarrassment remains American. Nice try Italy, but leave it to USA! USA!! USA!!! to always win a battle for underdog status” – Matt Richman.

“As sad as it is that Didier Drogba is retiring after this campaign, it does seem as though this is the season of players retiring who we all thought had finished years ago but, apparently, he still plays for Phoenix Rising, which is ‘Arizona’s Highest Level Professional Soccer Team’ although it sounds more like a terrible 1980s action film” – Noble francis.

“Daniel Whipp got the Letter o’ the Day because he was sad on his birthday? I have a worthy reason to receive today’s award: I’m waiting for my fourth niece to be born within the next six weeks. A copy of Football Manager would be an excellent Christmas gift: one never is too young to learn football” – JJ Zucal.

Send your letters to [email protected]. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Stephen Yoxall, who wins a copy of Football Manager 2018, thanks to the good people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got plenty more to give away, so keep typing.

THE RECAP

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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Liverpool manager Jürgen Klopp is in hospital after falling ill and is due to be released this evening.

The flamin’ Socceroos have only gone and qualified for the Ethics World Cup, a Mile Jedinak hat-trick seeing off Honduras in their play-off second leg in Sydney.

Australia



Flamin’ celebrations, earlier. Photograph: Mark Kolbe/Getty Images

José’s sometime star pupil Marouane Fellaini could do one from Manchester United in the summer with club suits still unable to reach an agreement on a new deal with the Belgian midfielder.

And exciting times for Shortbread McFiver as Scotland make their move for Norn Iron Nil’s Michael O’Neill to be their next manager.

Sergio Agüero has been cleared to fly home after fainting at half-time during Argentina’s 4-2 friendly defeat by Nigeria.

Former senior Fifa suit Julio Grondana allegedly took at least $1m in bribes to vote for the Human Rights World Cup, a witness has testified in court.

Please don’t go, pleaded

KC and The Sunshine Band
Wales fans to Chris Coleman during the 1-1 meaningless friendly draw with Panama. “It’s a funny one because I don’t know what’s going to happen,” the manager non-committed.

And Sam Allardyce has ruled himself out of the Everton job, having not at all spent the past few weeks tossing out come-and-get-me pleas left, right and centre. “I think when you’re sat in my position you want people to be decisive and feel like they want you. I didn’t get that feeling overall,” he sobbed.

STILL WANT MORE?

Mauricio Pellegrino tells Gregg Bakowski all about Virgil van Dijk, taking risks on the motorway and returning to Anfield with Southampton this weekend, before playing in a match against him and other hacks (the journos lost 2-0).

Gregg Bakowski



Gregg was also outed by eagle-eyed readers for wearing ancient boots in the match against Saints coaching staff. Photograph: James Bridle/Southampton FC via Getty Images

Think Jermain Defoe and Peter Crouch. Let’s talk height disparity between goalscoring team-mates in this week’s nerd-fest, the Knowledge.

Ireland were truly overwhelmed by Christian Eriksen and Denmark, writes Louise Taylor.

Neymar produced glimpses of magic at Wembley but was tamed by England’s next generation, so-says Barney Ronay.

Joe Gomez? Definitely. Tammy Abraham? No. Ruben Loftus-Cheek? Possibly. Which of England’s World Cup wannabes should be on the plane?

France’s forward line is a force to be reckoned with, and puts them among the favourites for next year’s tournament in Russia, argue Adam White and Eric Devin.

Martin O’Neill’s midfield tinkering was a mess and gifted Denmark the game. It’s time for fresh ideas, writes Paul Doyle.

Will Joe Hart be England’s No1 and should we be optimistic about the World Cup next summer, ponders Sachin Nakrani.

The United States are looking to the future after failing to qualify for Russia, writes Sam Lehr.

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