TO BELFAST!
These are mixed times for the Home Nations. Shortbread McFiver, our stereotypical Scottish cousin, is nearing breaking point. First there was the indignity of Wee Gordy’s genetics lesson in the wake of failing to qualify for the World Cup, before David Moyes decided that replacing Slaven Bilic at Taxpayers FC was a better option than managing Scotland. Finally, in another major triumph for masculinity in 2017, Thursday night’s failure derby with Holland at Pittodrie will feature the spectacle of friendly text message b@nter’s Malky Mackay taking caretaker charge against D1ck Advocaat’s Total Shambles.
But not many people in Scotland are laughing and the situation is similar in Wales, where Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Fiver is still licking its wounds, tenderly stroking a tear-sodden poster of Gareth Bale, wondering how to sell those plane tickets to Russia and swearing vengeance on James McClean, David Meyler and the rest of those wretched Irish brutes. Po’ Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Fiver. Po’ Chris Coleman. Po’ Joe Allen. They were so sure it was their time. Best not to disturb them at the moment. Although try telling that to schadenfreude’s $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver, who’s well aware of the need to make the most of Scottish and Welsh suffering before England show themselves up next summer.
Overall, then, there isn’t too much cheer for Britain at international level at the moment. But wait, it’s not all doom and gloom. Because in a rare example of positivity, Norn Iron 1-0 are bidding to reach their first World Cup in 32 years! And The Fiver has absolutely nothing snarky to say about this development! Aww! Look at little Norn Iron 1-0! Aren’t they the cutest! Coochy coochy coo! Who’s the most adorable little team in the world! Who’s the pluckiest little collection of underdogs who ever did take to a football pitch! That’s right, Michael O’Neill’s Norn Iron 1-0 are going to be patronised to within an inch of their lives if they manage to win their play-off against Switzerland, who can expect to concede at least two goals in the first leg at Fortress Windsor Park as a direct result of gawping Granit Xhaka idly watching events unfold in his own area through a pair of binoculars. Even The Fiver has chosen to ignore O’Neill’s tactical and motivational triumph and instead focus on the cuteness overload. It’s almost enough to make them want to join Scotland and Wales in misery corner. Almost.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Jacob Steinberg from 7.45pm GMT for hot MBM coverage of Norn Iron 1-0 Switzerland.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“If I listened to my ego then Sweden would, of course, be a better team with me” – Zlatan Ibrahimovic not taking heed of his ego is the big takeaway rather than him ruling out a return to international football even if Sweden make the World Cup.
THE RECAP
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RECOMMENDED LISTENING
This way will lie Football Weekly Extraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Should also mention that last handful of tickets are available for this.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I keep seeing adverts for this ‘Justice League’ but can’t find any indication of what the promotion/relegation rules are. Can your readers help?” – James Vortkamp-Tong.
“Your reporting on the Sheilaroos’ latest flamin’ cultural cringeworthiness (yesterday’s Fiver) was excellent, barring a couple of minor details: Network 10 is the channel, not the show (which is called The Project); it’s on in the early evening, not late night; and it’s a general current affairs show, not a sport show. Sorry to nitpick. Righto, I’m off to watch popular mid-afternoon presenter Phillip Schofield’s new gardening series, ‘ITV’” – Mike Hopkin.
“The Project replaced Neighbours at 6.30pm, ending the soap’s 19-year run in that channel’s time slot. This was considered a flamin’ outrage by some, though in truth it was just the deserved demotion of a show that hadn’t been even mildly entertaining or original in years. Which reminds me …” – Callan McDuff.
“So comedy’s David Moyes says he’s ‘only ever wanted to be involved in attacking, entertaining football’ (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). If only he’d had five full-time, professional football manager jobs before this one, in which he might have exerted some kind of influence over a team of football players. If only someone had given him huge sums of money to impress his opinions, tactics, and preferred style of football on to those players, again and again, over nearly 20 years” – Andy Leigh.
“I was wondering, can my letter be put forward for a prize? If I win the prize, I can send said item or prize offshore and then ask a company of my choosing to lend the prize back to me, thus I will avoid paying any tax that may be incurred by winning the prize. Yours in anticipation” – Chris Hampson.
“Following a nasty bout of kidney stones-arrrrggggggghhhhh back in January, a 10-week backlog of Fivers had built up in my work email account (I never read The Fiver on my own time) and, despite my best efforts, I wasn’t able to catch up fully … until today! What a time to be alive. I feel like I’ve really accomplished something. It was a strange experience at times, travelling through time from my office chair. I often marvelled at the scattergun prescience of the score predictions and spent more time than I’d like to admit coming up with witty retorts and responses that would surely have scooped several letter o’the day titles. So here I am, back in the present day, like a dog that has caught up with a car it’s been chasing. I’m not sure what to do next so, er, keep up the mediocre work” – Frank Joyce.
Send your letters to [email protected]. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … James Vortkamp-Tong, who wins a copy of the excellent new David Squires book, The Illustrated History of Football: Hall of Fame. We’ve one more to give away, so keep typing.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
New England head coach! The Revolution have appointed Brad Friedel.
Hong Kong fans got stuck into China’s national anthem before their 2-0 home defeat by Bahrain, defying Beijing days after Communist leaders tightened penalties for disrespecting it. “They want to criminalise having an opinion, this is not correct for a free society,” said one supporter. “Of course I am scared, the government is very powerful and I’m just an ordinary citizen.”
Eni Aluko has spoken about the lack of support received from England colleagues over her allegations against former manager Mark Sampson. “I should not be sat here saying I haven’t had any communication from my team-mates, bar the Chelsea girls,” she said. “Is the togetherness we keep banging on about actually being put into action or is it just a hashtag?”
Fifa has been urged by its own advisory board on human rights to press Qatar’s government about the impact of the kafala system on workers building stadiums for the 2022 World Cup, which campaigners have described as modern slavery.
Assorted knack and the state of international friendlies mean Ruben Loftus-Cheek will make his England debut against Germany on Friday.
Dulwich Hamlet are urging fans to raise money and help secure the club’s future after being caught in the middle of a dispute over their Champion Hill ground between Southwark council and property developers Meadow Residential.
Chelsea are closing in on the last eight of Women’s Big Cup after sweeping Rosengard aside 3-0 in their first leg. “It looked like a training performance from my team,” tooted manager Emma Hayes.
And the Football League has appointed Ben Toner to referee Blackpool v Portsmouth on Saturday.
VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!
Big Paper, Football Weekly, David Squires and Jonathan Wilson are all up for gongs at the upcoming FSF Awards and you can vote for them here, should you wish.
STILL WANT MORE?
Oh Ronaldinho, you came and you changed our world. Daniel Harris reminds us of the Brazilian’s genius by reliving a goal like no other.
Oh Andy Pirlo, you … well, you get the picture. Here are five of the Italian pass master’s best assists.
From the Theatre of Dreams to the Temple of Dild0. Barney Ronay peels back David Moyes’s journey to the London Stadium.
Gigi Buffon’s sweet revenge, Luka Modric in the last-chance saloon and a Wilfried Zaha rescue act. It can only be 10 things to look out for in the World Cup play-offs and final qualifiers.
If the Best League in the World™ is so strong, why are Brighton, Huddersfield and fellow new boys Newcastle resting easy in mid-table, ponders Paul Wilson.
Ashley Young struck a conciliatory tone on his return to the England squad after his run-in with Dele Alli. “It would be nice to see him,” soft-shoed the Manchester United wing-back.
The last time Norn Iron reached the World Cup they did so courtesy of a 0-0 draw at Wembley against Hoddle and Lineker’s England in front of home fans crying: “It’s a fix.” Steven Pye has the story.
Tim Cahill’s ankle is the flamin’ budget version of David Beckham’s metatarsal. David Squires lays bare the hysteria, and Mário Jardel even gets a mention.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!